100 Things About Soulless
Last updated 2005-06-17 0638
01. What is your favorite food?
I love crunchy, salty snacks. I often make myself a big bowl of popcorn before watching TV, and of course it's a must at the movies.
I love French fries. Hot and salty. I prefer no coating or breading, thank you very much!
Absolutely love a good steak, cooked rare, served with a baked potato smothered in butter and sour cream.
I love Panang Curry dishes.
I love tortilla chips with salsa.
I love Indian food.
I love Thai food.
I love Mexican food.
...
I also adore a juicy peach.
02. Where do you live?
Minneapolis, Minnesota is as specific as I care to get at the moment. People do talk like in the movie Fargo. You can hear it a little in my speech, but I'm not *that* bad.
03. Who do you write about?
The short answer? You.
It's been a long time since I've written, which makes me sad.
The person to whom I direct my writing often changes. It changes based on my infatuations, who turns me on, who I'm involved with, and who encourages me.
That I keep a 'secret' blog, I owe that idea to Girls in the Bag. Ditto for the sexuality component. Emmy used to write a great deal and frankly about exactly what she was thinking, which I treasured. For a while, it seemed like she read my blog and commented via post on hers. While most of this connection was likely all in my head, nevertheless I began to assume personal interest on her part. Classic male error, but I made it nonetheless.
That I started to write erotic stories or situations when I did, I credit to X. She countered an erotic haiku I wrote with one of her own, which blew me away. Hers was some of the first direct feedback I got. She told me about some things she liked and encouraged me to write a complete story, which I did. I incorporated elements of my real life and emphasized details that I thought she would like.
A feedback loop was born.
About the same time I found Devi and Eden and Neeraja and began to feel like I was part of something, where I could be frankly sexual and appreciated for it and where there were men and women who were also very frank and open about their own sexuality. It was very liberating. I believe I took suggestions from all of them--directly or indirectly--about things to write about. I began to envision myself in ways I never had before, doing things I had never done, and imagining what it would feel like or exactly how I would want it to be.
LVR introduced me to sex via IM. Everything she wrote was perfect. Everything I wrote was... trying to keep up. And also? Horrible. I didn't get it right, that time. Fortunately she didn't laugh at me--not that she ever admitted. But I learned more about what you can do with words and the power they have to invoke amazing sensation.
Some of the stories were for me alone. My female partner was some mythical every-woman. Other times, I wrote things because I knew I might make someone hot and bothered. Sometimes I wrote about things I had done with my ex-wife. When I found the Poetess, things changed a bit. For a very long time, the majority of what I wrote was tailored for she and I. Sometimes I put her front and center in the writing, to let he know I empathized with her, or wanted her to feel empowered--or at least turned on.
When Quiver and Cee found me, things changed again. I began to really understand for myself things like the eroticism in control, possession, and pain. Quiver always encouraged me to go farther. I would never have believed how powerful it could be. Some of the long IM sessions she and I had moved me past my horror about how gleefully aggressive and violent I could be. My real life experience is only now beginning to catch up.
But enough naming names... I write because I want to turn you on. I write when I'm turned on. The thought of you getting off on what I write? Ooh, baby!
04. What makes you hard?
Breathy whispers in my ear. My nipples getting tweaked a little too hard. Curvy hips. Lots of leg. Cleavage. Stilettos.
05. How old are you?
36, as I write this.
06. What is your favorite spice?
Pepper: Jalapeño, Habañero, Chipotlé, Arbol... and on and on.
07. Silk or flannel sheets?
I've never tried silk sheets, but I would love to. Flannel is wonderfully warm and comfortable here in the midwestern winters. I think silk would be sexy as hell in the right circumstances.
08. What part of a woman is most appealing?
Everything starts and ends with the eyes. Of course I love a curvacious figure... breasts, hips, legs... But I love to look into your eyes.
09. What makes me shiver?
Breathy whispers in my ear.
10. What is the most alluring fragrance on a woman?
One of my first girlfriends wore an Estée Lauder purfume called Cinnabar whose effects I have been unable to shake to this day. Oriental perfumes are... bliss.
11. Warm bath or steaming hot shower?
Alone? I'll take the shower. With you, a bath sounds like more fun!
12. Stay out of the rain or play in it?
I like to watch rain storms from the shelter of an overhang or an open window. I've never played in the rain that I can remember... But I love to play in the runoff of melting snow in the springtime.
13. What color do you feel the most and why?
Grey is the color of depression. Black is the color of self hatred. Red is the anger that takes me there. Hence my color-scheme.
14. What musical instrument pulls at you the most?
I would rank the beat of the drum as first, with the suggestiveness of the bass as a very close second
15. Skinny dipping in a lake or hot tubbing in the mountains?
Yes. Please.
16. Vacation for luxury - where and why?
Exactly where does not matter, but somewhere near an ocean where the beach is sandy and the currents allow you to swim if you like. Doesn't even need to be tropical. But I was recently reminded that I really love that.
17. Vacation for purpose or to help others - where and why?
I think I might try to help stop the spread of AIDS in Africa, where it seems to be doing significant damage. I don't know what I could do. Help to educate? Help to care for the infected?
18. Why pink?
Pink reminds me of bare skin. It's warm. It's soft. It makes me see through a fuzz filter.
19. Are you still inhibited?
Sometimes I worry about my performance, which takes me out of the moment. When I am worried I withdraw emotionally. So, yes. Sometimes.
20. Which is better, being free and dating multiple girls, or being in a really excellent monogamous relationship?
I don't know. I tried a very long-term relationship with marriage and it didn't work for me. Being single can be lovely in terms of being completely self-directed, yet it can also be lonely. I might just be a fickle bastard.
21. When you touch yourself, do you use one hand or both?
Since my discovery of erotic imagery, I tend to use my left hand on my cock to stroke and my right hand to turn pages or use a mouse.
In my youth, in my parents' home, in my dark bedroom at night, I would quietly stroke my cock with my left hand and use my right hand to caress one or the other of my nipples.
22. Do you like to be begged?
Yes, of course, Angel.
23. What sounds do you make when you cum?
I don't use four-letter words. Those come easily with anger, but sex for me has not typically been from that headspace. You might hear me inhale sharply, or say "Oh!" or "Oh, My God!" I will try to tell you when I'm going to come. After that, there aren't words so much as sounds like "Oh!" or "Ooh!" or "Ungh!" over and over again until the spasms stop.
And then I speak of bliss and gratitude.
24. I am a divorcé.
25. I was married seven years.
26. I was with the same woman for 10 years before that.
27. I felt repressed and bored and controlled.
28. Existing outside of that control now is very, very odd. I have to discover who I am.
29. This is a time of experimentation for me.
30. When all is said an done, I still want to have a family.
31. A second marriage is not out of the question, but I am not now looking for a wife.
32. I would be OK with not getting married again.
33. I would be OK if I did not have a child of my own.
34. I am open to whatever the future brings.
35. I wanted to be an atheist, but then I decided that there is too much that I do not know. I choose to believe that God is all-that-exists.
36. I was baptised and confirmed as a Lutheran, but now I do not go to any church or subscribe to any system of belief. I've tried, but I can't.
37. My marriage was a civil ceremony in a victorian bed-and-breakfast.
38. My divorce was strictly a matter of filling out and filing the correct paperwork and paying the filing fee. The decree came in the mail a few weeks later. I never appeared in a courtroom, nor did I hire a lawyer.
39. I never expected the single life to be any sort of sexual free-for-all, but I absolutely cannot complain about what I have been gifted with.
40. Nothing about sexuality or the BDSM lifestyle has been shocking to me. Nor is it simple titillation for me to see. I find it warm and welcoming and profound.
41. I think women are beautiful.
42. I think sex is the most amazing experience I have ever had.
43. I crave physical contact, even if it is not sexual.
44. Sex is really on my mind almost all of the time.
45. I give really excellent massages.
46. I love cunnilingus. You know... making you come with my tongue.
47. I want you to keep coming.
48. I like to nibble and bite.
49. I enjoy leaving marks.
50. I'm not afraid to pull your hair really hard.
51. I want to learn to do rope bondage really well.
52. I like to tease you.
53. I think ball gags are sexy.
54. I think feet are sexy, but I don't like foot-fetish pornography.
55. I adore your legs in heels.
56. Well, I really adore legs. But I don't like fetish porn.
57. I've seen bare breasts of all ages at topless beaches in France. I used to think I was immune to breasts. I was wrong. Breasts are so riveting!
58. I love womens' abdomens and hips. I prefer hips in fact. Please advertise your hips!
59. God bless low-rise anything!
60. And the way you move when you walk is sexy, too. When you try and when you don't.
61. I don't want to hurt you, but I want you to feel. And I will go as far as it takes to make you feel what you want to feel. And then I want to go farther than that.
62. And I will be here when it is over.
63. And I want you to tell me if it was good.
64. And I will learn what was good so I can do it again.
65. And I will twist it so that it is not the same.
66. I promise.
67. Jesus, will I squirm if you whisper in my ear!
68. If you kiss and lick my ear I will shudder and tremble.
69. My nipples are small and damned sensitive, but seem to be connected to my cock.
70. You can bite them.
71. That will make me shudder, too.
72. I have never been penetrated.
73. I have never had anal sex.
74. My left ear is pierced twice, and my right ear once.
75. I am considering other piercings.
76. Once a woman asked me if I had a cock full of metal. In that moment I would like to have obliged her although really it's not a goal of mine.
77. I have no tattoos.
78. I plan to get tattoos. One woman suggested black ink was the sexiest. I'm inclined to agree.
79. I am suggestible.
80. And distractable.
81. These can be used against me.
82. I am not circumcised.
83. The head of my penis is so sensitive that almost all direct stimulation is nearly painful--until I approach orgasm.
84. I do take care to keep myself very clean.
85. I groom the hair in my pelvis. I like it better that way.
86. The medications I take change the way my orgasms feel. Wellbutrin, when I took it, made them better. Strattera, which I take now, makes them harder to achieve and dulls them.
87. By the way, I am likely bi-polar. A rapid-cycler. And I tend to be depressed. It just is.
88. My attention issues? I've been diagnosed with ADD. Is it co-morbid, or are the attention issues strictly a result of the depressive and bi-polar episodes? No one knows.
89. No one thought I lived up to my potential. When I was 26 I was finally diagnosed. I'm not hyperactive. No one thought to check me for that.
90. Sometimes I test with genius level IQ. Not always.
91. When I was seeking answers about ADD, my mother lightly smacked the back of my head and said, "There's nothing wrong with you!"
92. Heh. My father does not share that opinion.
93. I had hoped diagnosis would be a solution. It isn't. Although knowing can help wih strategies.
94. I had hoped meds would be a solution. They are not, although they help with symptoms.
95. Talk therapy has provided most of the relief I have ever felt, finding out that I'm no freak--even if I'm unusual.
96. Changing my thoughts about myself (and my reactions to what I perceive are faults) has proved to be the most effective strategy I have followed.
97. Thinking I was a sex addict for nearly a year was perhaps one of the most emotionally destructive things that has happened to me.
98. I think 12-step groups are an insidious form of thought-control.
99. I am grateful to be alive and to think my own thoughts.
100. I am grateful you read this blog, and grateful for your thoughts and support.
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