I'm bored as fuck and I already masturbated a few hours ago.
Now back to your regularly scheduled randomness.
April 2003 Archives
Soon it will be over.
When you gonna make it work?
-Tears for Fears
You were right.
You're right on schedule.
I don't understand
What destiny's planned
I'm starting to grasp
What is in my own hands
I don't claim to know
Where my holiness goes
I just know that I like
What is starting to show
Sometimes
May I just say that I am indignant, embarrassed, angry and sheepish.
I know that emotions are nothing to be understood. Not really. But I am very nearly always surprised at the extent to which I am swept away by them.
When I look at the last two years of my life, I am frankly embarrassed by the way I have been carrying on.
I feel fortunate at this point that I didn't throw everything away.
I did want to die.
I did want to fuck the mysterious girl who threw innuendo my way.
I did.
I wanted to die over that.
I thought I was such a despicable human being for wanting her despite all of the benefits of the relationship I am in.
I wanted her because of the relationship I am in.
I wanted the relationship I am in to be an excuse.
It was all me.
My illusion. My fantasy. My version of reality, distorted as it was.
I'm still upset that she would have gone after a married man, but I guess that maybe that's just what she does. She doesn't have it and she thinks that she can get it by taking shortcuts. Don't think for a minute I can't comprehend it. I understand. I know what it's like to be bored, girl. I understand. I know you don't think you deserve it or that you can't find it. You won't find it in me, or him, or him. Just like I wouldn't find it in you.
I always believed it would not have worked. Or rather, despite whatever initial lust and excitement I felt, I would in the end have all of the same problems that I have now. Of that I am absolutely certain. It's not sour grapes because I know who I am. I know what I was thinking. I was completely off my rocker.
I don't know what it was the kept me hanging on, other than that love is truly like a drug. I have been completely stoned off my ass, so I know it's not the same as pot or mushrooms, but I think love is even more addictive. I wanted more than anything for those feelings to continue.
I don't have those same feelings in my relationship now, but thank God. Because I can't handle it.
Anyway, there are beautiful and intelligent women everywhere. I guess I can't know them all.
Not that I wouldn't mind trying now and then, but I have got more than I can handle.
If only I could add to that by becoming a father, then perhaps I would be truly overwhelmed.
I am so lucky to even still have a chance to make my marriage work.
Today was fine. Tomorrow will be fine.
Life is too fucking short.
I want to leave work earlier than you. Do you even work 40 hours a week? Do you work an 8 hour day? Ever?
Not that I'm free of intrusive thoughts, but I don't feel so god-damned crushed all of the time. Icky.
No wonder you women run from us. How can you stand when we think like that?
Well, you can't... that's just it.
But anyway, in some respects I feel more sane than I have in a long time.
The proof will be in the pudding. Watch this space for developments.
As in: I can't believe I have let this crap rule my life for so long.
I hope it doesn't ever happen again. I don't know if I could take it.
From Pussy Ranch
Topic Du Jour: Voyeurism And Exhibitionism
1. Given the resources and the guarantee your mom would never find out about it, would you do any of the following: a) pose nude tastefully, b) be a stripper, or c) be a porn "star".
C, for the sex with the beautiful and the sleazy. But I don't do anal. Unless you want me to.
2. Does the idea of being seen in public naked or partially clothed or partially exposed or some other variation turn you on? Why or why not?
Um, mostly the idea frightens me. However I could imagine it to be very erotically charged under certain specific circumstances. In the heat of the moment I could see really getting off on it.
3. Have you ever watched (or heard) two other people have sex (as a non participant)? Yes, college counts. Did it turn you on? Again, why or why not.
Not a turn-on. He wanted to get off. She wanted a baby. They were totally using each other.
We suppose mom and dad count too, but EW.
Yeah, that one time I was home from college and heard a repetitive sound I could not readily identify for some reason. I started to walk around the house to find the source of it until I realized... mattress springs.
4. If you could watch any two people in the world have sex, who would you choose? You can go ahead and pick a setting too if you like.
I can think of a ton of porn starlets who are beautiful, and plenty of female celebrities who are also beautiful. But I don't want to see the guy. Not any.
5. Guys: do you other check out other guys' junk while peeing? Girls: do you check out other girls' bodies in the locker room?
Speaking as a guy, it's more interesting to observe how uneasy people are, or how they finish, if they only stare at the wall, or if they always spit into the urinal first. Besides, it's better if I watch my own junk to guard against splashing, over spray or drips.
Can't bear to look?
I should talk.
See you on the flip side.
Putting 2+x together, I'm getting four.
Joke's on me.
Nice.
But that simplifies things entirely.
I am glum. I know what I have to do. I still really want something else.
That is the source of all of my pain.
I have ADD. I want to be normal.
I have a wife. I want a different one.
That's all.
I'm doing a real good job of hiding it.
I wish that she would stop being beautiful.
The self-hatred returned in a flood this morning.
I had the desire to drive into oncoming traffic—despite my rider and whatever innocent soul I took out from the other direction.
Good morning!
Hmmm. The w.bloggar app will allow me to post without opening a browser. Very work-safe. Most Excellent!
Testing a new posting system.
Mamma's gonna worry
I been a bad bad boy
No use sayin' sorry
It's somethin' that I enjoy
-Ozzy Osbourne
Oh, there's no turning back.
If you fuck with me (you know you want to),
If you want to open that door (you know you want to),
If you think you know me (you don't),
Then bring it. Bring it all.
I have so much hunger.
Darker than night
Furnace of my desire
Come to me.
I won't tell her a god-damned thing.
What do you want me to do about it?
Is it fucking funny? Where the hell would this lead?
Do you understand what you are asking of me?
How could this be good?
Do you understand how much I want you?
Can you even fathom what this is like?
I fantasize about it working.
I imagine it failing.
It would be based at the outset on a breach of trust.
Do you get that?
What would it mean to you if you convinced me to go through with it?
See, I'm already convinced. I'm just waiting for an excuse.
I would just be another asshole, wouldn't I?
Or am I somehow different in your mind?
In the end, I would just be another asshole.
How could I look at you if I couldn't trust myself?
I want what I think you have. Maybe you want what you think I have.
This is killing me.
I could justify it under one circumstance alone. One.
How could I find that out before I fuck things up?
I just don't want to put a pistol to my temple.
I really want a chance at the one thing. I really want that.
Is that so wrong?
Is that so fucking wrong?
I love you.
I trust you.
Because it makes me feel moral. And I do not wish to be.
I think the door is open.
I'm gonna walk through.
If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, how do you pave the road to heaven?
Use Google for fuck's sake.
Yeah, you care.
Come on, baby! Let's buh uh all...
In some ways, I have more savoir faire.
I hope no one notices the rest.
Yeah, I wrote such a good post for this blog.
I was tying a bunch of pieces together about how Nice Guys hate themselves and insinuate themselves so you'll "need" them... and why I hate myself and why I'm a Nice Guy.
But my screen went blank and my computer rebooted itself. No fanfare. It happens now.
So I am super pissed about IT the evil it causes.
A) hate self
B) hating computers
C) Nice Guy
Therefore, I work in Tech Support.
1. As a kid, did you ever experiment sexually with one of your friends? This could run the gamut from pretending to have sex while "playing house," or "wrestling," or actual nooky.
Playing doctor with a stethoscope on a bare stomach was as racy as it got (bare nipples, no curves). Unless you count kissing the girl next door in front of the school bus... I swear it was her idea.
There was also the time the babysitter (neighbor girl, several houses down) got into my bed. I was not in it at the time. Apparently I was to get in and be surprised. I thought I would display my deductive genius by flipping on the light of the room as I came back. I was not clever. I might be a very different man if I had instead pretended not to notice—hindsight being what it is.
2. Have you ever had a sexual experience with someone of a different sex/gender than your usual flavor? If you're equally into guys and chicks, I guess this question is void, but most people tend to lean one way or another.
I have flirted with gay men. Especially the pretty ones (Man pretty. No sweet trannies for this boy.). It appeals to my vanity.
3. Sex toys: yes or no. If yes, what is your favorite one? Elaborate, please.
The only accessory I ever have handy is KY. If I kept condoms, my wife would worry excessively. I would never keep those at home.
After deeper consideration I find that S&M gear has an allure. I need to release my inner sadist. Maybe pain would take things to another level. Why am I thinking like this? Oh yea, ennui.
4. What kind of stuff do you like your partner to wear before or during sex? Traditional Vicky's Secret lingerie, boxer briefs, a choir robe, what?
I used to buy her the lacy stuff with under wires and ribs... until I saw physical evidence of the irritation it can cause. Not sexy. Black stockings and heels are always a treat for me. I sometimes wear silk boxers for her. But I think keeping myself clean, groomed and lightly scented is sexier than anything a guy can wear. Am I wrong?
5. Have you ever had a threesome or foursome or some such variety of clusterfuck?
My fantasy would include me being the only male and receiving undue attention. Not so shocking. I cannot envision a scenario where this is a likely outcome. I cannot envision a scenario where this is a reasonable possibility. And that is why this is still a fantasy.
Where are you!
The good doctor's book says take this supplement and that.
(my brain is not normal...)
Hmmm. Dizzy but not dizzy.
Feels good all over.
And all from a component of protein...
God do I want it!!
Every nerve will be alive.
Didn't you...
Slowly.
I didn't run.
Said "Hello." Finished what I came to do, then paused with my body facing toward her but opening a package...
She said "Hi" again as she passed. Tone of voice was... different. I smiled but didn't say anything.
She turned down a hallway heading toward her office. I was relieved about not saying anything stupid, but mad that I had not found a topic for light conversation. But it was a huge improvement over the fleeting-glance-and-dash that I had become prone to. At least there was that.
She called my name from down the hall. Came back out of the hallway.
She asked if I knew about a particular issue at work, which we spoke about for a bit. We walked toward each other and stood close. Closer than if I had been speaking to my best male friend.
Mostly, I just looked into her eyes. I asked who was affected. I told her what I knew, what I could do. I tried very hard to see the person and not the idea.
I was petrified, but I believe that I did not appear petrified.
We'll see.
Could be I'm one in a line of suckers she's stringing along.
Could be she's interested in learning more.
Slowly.
Slow-ly.
I think if you want another opportunity, you've got to make one.
What to do. What to do...
But I think you only get one chance.
Why do you ask?
Filthy Friday Five
1. What is your most embarrassing sexual moment?
I think when my little brother pushed my bedroom door farther open so that he could see better from his room. Little shit!
2. If you had to be spanked or spank, which would you choose?
I think I would be OK with being spanked if a woman was saying sexy things at the same time—but not dominatrix things. I'm not certain I would find being the spankee erotic in and of itself.
Spanking a woman, if she was in to that, would be cool in so many ways. Visually, naturally, because I am fond of women and of curvy asses. I can imagine exactly what it would feel like. I wouldn't hurt you, unless you like a little pain with your pleasure.
3. What's your weirdest kink? Come on, seriously, you've got weirder than THAT, you know you do...
I totally dig legs, and feet are cool too. It's not that I would want to get off by having a woman stroke my cock with her feet (In certain circumstances...I wouldn't say no.), but if I'm completely crass and evaluating a woman on the basis of her physical ( I am so crass!) appearance, I totally look at legs/ankles/feet as part of a complete picture. Mind you that's all irrelevant if I don't see anything in your eyes.
I am mesmerized by legs. And legs in heels. Oh. My. God.
4. What's hotter, hard core or soft core?
I get bored watching both. I especially hate when the scenes get looped. I especially hate the shot of the man's orgasm face. So really I don't watch porn. Unless I can actually believe the woman is enjoying the scene and not just enduring it for a paycheck. So really I don't watch porn. OK, I do because I want to believe it will be exciting. Boring. And I swear if I ever see a woman slapped or hit because she gagged ever again, I will hunt the mother-fucker down that did it. Sick fucks. Stick this down your throat, mother fucker!
5. Clothes on or clothes off?
Yes. Please.
I do not feel the normal associated horniness.
How disappointing.
You will think it is a dream.
God bless you, girls!
I never want to be bored or alone.
I don't like to feel lonely.
I've masturbated so much the idea of it sounds boring.
So, I'm going to lie awake thinking about sex with you.
Dammit.
Is that really possible?
I want to look into your eyes while your legs are on my shoulders.
I'm going to start slow, gently sliding the length of my cock into you.
And almost out...
Then I become... unproductive.
Do you want it?
Tell me how bad you want it.
I'd prefer if you were more demanding.
If you ever figured out how easy, I would be in a lot of trouble.
You know you did.
But thanks for the links.
I can't tell you.
Some people go around the world for love
And they may never find what they dream of
What you won't do, do for love
You tried everything
But you don't give up
In my world only you
Make me do for love
What I would not do
My friends wonder what is wrong with me
Well I'm in a daze from your love you see
I came back to let you know
Got a thing for you
And I can't let go
Seven days of no sightings has not made my life the least bit easier.
Not in the least.
I am sick and tired of my heart leaping every time I catch a glimpse of you.
It's so WORTHLESS!
Do I have to think of you every fucking day for the rest of my god-damned life?
I am furious and I swear to God I'm almost insane. Can't you just give me peace? Please?
For the fucking love of God I hate it. Just please, please stop.
Sometimes the bigger pictures are more immediate.
Also, lest you forget, I still think Avy is a hottie. Seriously.
Sex is way more interesting than politics any day.
There are a thousand evils in the world. If only I could just be one.
I read about books like Make Every Girl Want You: How to Have Sex with Hot Girls (Without Even Dating Them!) and I think to myself...
Hmmmm.
Last time I checked, I was still alive.
Nearly had a heart-attack during my workout, but I'm still here.
Got my hairs cut short and I'm lookin' sharp.
I am also modest.
- I feel powerful.
- I get really horny.
Let's go.
Seriously.
Do you fear for your mortal soul?
Perfect.
Know any cool ADD girls who are cool with their ADD?
I'm abstract-random, and really random at that. If you can show me where that would fit then we should talk.
And also, I like to feel things. Every sense of the word. I'm not an extreme thrill-seeker, but I favor the intense. What have you got?
I've been smothering myself with porn. That is no kind of life to lead where I follow links to more pictures all night long. What the fuck is that?
And here's my deep dirty secret: chafing. I'm mortified. Chasing the orgasm dragon all night long.
I have wasted so much time, spent so long denying myself—that it's not even funny.
I even feel like this whole depressive issue was just designed to take me further away from realizing myself.
Mind you, I'm not hopping off of the meds!
But I actually feel like I have my head on straight for a change.
I want a family. I want kids. I want to be a father.
And if I take a hit from the bat or knock a few back with my buds, I don't want to feel like I'm betraying anyone.
I'm not a straight-and-narrow kind of guy. Not at all.
That has to be OK, or it's not going to work.
For a while today, particularly before I came. I had probably the strongest feeling of self-confidence I've ever had.
It's not that anything really remarkable happened. I just thought about how I've been moping for a year-and-a-half over one woman. One.
Outside of her being incredibly sexy, I've got nothing. I know nothing about her.
I guess, if I had really wanted to be with her, I would have been with her. Simple as that.
I got confused about what I was feeling, which was probably the most intense lust I have yet to live through. But... so what.
So fucking what.
I'm not content with my life. Not by a long shot.
But If I decide I want to be with her, then I'm going to have to lay it all on the line and go after her. That's it.
Otherwise, I gotta move on. (Lipps, Inc. - Funkytown)
And I pretty much have to assume that she's not going to be in the same place as I am and that it won't work.
Regardless, I'm frankly not interested in my current situation.
I don't want to hurt or mislead anyone more than I have already—most of all myself.
I have to think things through.
What do I want?
Can I get it here?
And then, what's the first step?
I've masturbated and have eaten a huge fucking meal.
Hmmm. Reminds me of something that happened once before...
Be that as it may, I want for nothing right now.
Except sleep.
Weirdness. Blogger outage again. I'm not really sure what happened, but my blog was showing someone else's FTP log.
Hopefully someone else isn't showing mine....
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