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April 28, 2003
Coming Around
May I just say that I am indignant, embarrassed, angry and sheepish.
I know that emotions are nothing to be understood. Not really. But I am very nearly always surprised at the extent to which I am swept away by them.
When I look at the last two years of my life, I am frankly embarrassed by the way I have been carrying on.
I feel fortunate at this point that I didn't throw everything away.
I did want to die.
I did want to fuck the mysterious girl who threw innuendo my way.
I did.
I wanted to die over that.
I thought I was such a despicable human being for wanting her despite all of the benefits of the relationship I am in.
I wanted her because of the relationship I am in.
I wanted the relationship I am in to be an excuse.
It was all me.
My illusion. My fantasy. My version of reality, distorted as it was.
I'm still upset that she would have gone after a married man, but I guess that maybe that's just what she does. She doesn't have it and she thinks that she can get it by taking shortcuts. Don't think for a minute I can't comprehend it. I understand. I know what it's like to be bored, girl. I understand. I know you don't think you deserve it or that you can't find it. You won't find it in me, or him, or him. Just like I wouldn't find it in you.
I always believed it would not have worked. Or rather, despite whatever initial lust and excitement I felt, I would in the end have all of the same problems that I have now. Of that I am absolutely certain. It's not sour grapes because I know who I am. I know what I was thinking. I was completely off my rocker.
I don't know what it was the kept me hanging on, other than that love is truly like a drug. I have been completely stoned off my ass, so I know it's not the same as pot or mushrooms, but I think love is even more addictive. I wanted more than anything for those feelings to continue.
I don't have those same feelings in my relationship now, but thank God. Because I can't handle it.
Anyway, there are beautiful and intelligent women everywhere. I guess I can't know them all.
Not that I wouldn't mind trying now and then, but I have got more than I can handle.
If only I could add to that by becoming a father, then perhaps I would be truly overwhelmed.
I am so lucky to even still have a chance to make my marriage work.
Today was fine. Tomorrow will be fine.
Life is too fucking short.
[+] Posted by Soulless S. Breedlove at April 28, 2003 8:44 PM, who was sinning at the time by revealing evil. [+]
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