« OH! | Home Page | I Had a Fantasy »

January 27, 2004

Soulless Answers Five Questions

Little Nemo asks: What song best represents who you are right now?

Soulless isn't sure how to answer the question, nevertheless he replies: Well, you could ask me that question daily and get a different answer each time. When I first thought seriously about answering the question, I came up with I Can See Clearly Now by Johnny Nash. It came out in 1972. By the way, Johnny Nash is a reggae artist. I had no idea, but it makes loads of sense thinking about the rhythm of the song. But I digress.

Why did I pick that song? First of all, I'm not entirely sure why I thought of it. But when it came to mind, I felt an immediate emotional resonance. I felt tears welling up. I figured that meant something.

The thing is, I've been pretty down on myself for a long, long time. It doesn't matter how long, but it might as well have been always, 'cause that's what it feels like. But I keep learning more about myself. My RL name is highly unusual in this country. My personality type of INTP is pretty uncommon. I'm left-handed. I was adopted by my mother's second husband. I wore a lot of hand-me-downs as a child because we were not so well off. We grew a lot of our own food in the yard, such that I had a lot of work to do at home when my more traditionally suburban friends were out playing football. I'm damned smart (In some ways, yes. Absolutely.). I'm moody and sensitive. I have ADD but was not diagnosed until adulthood. I have depressive tendencies. And, last but not least, I am a sexual addict. Addicted to porn. That last is something I want to deny, deny, deny. But in the face of evidence, I must concede the point.

All of those things, in their way, make me uniquely who I am.

Used to be, though, I hated how these things made me different from everyone else. I hated me for being different. Really and truly the differences were all I could see and I felt that life was extraordinarily unfair. I would cry and rage at how I could not be perfect because of these flaws. Berated myself for each error. I saw each and every molehill as a hideous monstrosity.

A lifetime of that was enough to make me want to quit. The first way to make that happen I figured was to off myself. Thought of a lot of ways to do it even. But I figured there was some amazing silver bullet cure out there somewhere so I started on meds and counseling.

Counseling taught me about catastrophic thinking, black-and-white thinking, and blind acceptance of false negative "truths" about myself. And it taught me that bringing those things into the light to examine them can be scary but can also reveal flaws in logic and over-reaction. Who? Me?

So, if I can collect these thoughts before they completely get away from me, what I'm thinking is at this point "the clouds" (my problems) "are breaking." (Reminds me of another song: Jacob's Ladder by Rush) In other words, I have tools and I have help to change my attitude. In significant ways, I'm much better off than a year ago. And a year ago I was much better off than the year previous. And I'm also thinking that, despite there being some shit to fix, it is all fixable. I'm not too old.

Compared to before, I can see clearly now.

Little Nemo: If you had to do it all over again, would you change anything? If so, what and why?

Soulless: Well... where do I start?

OK, I think one of the most important things I have learned is to question the voices in my head that say "I'll never make it," or "I'm doomed to fail," or "I'm such an idiot." On the face of it, none of the statements are really strong, but they come from a place of serious self-doubt. I heard criticisms from people (who may or may not have known what the hell they were talking about) and I internalized them. One person might only have said a single thing to me, but I was the one responsible for repeating it to myself over and over. I was the one who chose to believe the statement was largely correct. I blame the person for saying things to me... but only a little. The rest was my fault.

So one thing I would do differently is question. Question what I hear. Does it make sense? Does it help me? If not, it gets discarded.

Just because I trip doesn't mean I lost the race.
Just because I lose one race doesn't mean I have to quit running forever.

I quit doing a lot of things I wanted to do because I over-reacted to failure. Because I could not do it correctly the first time I thought I could not do it. Other things I didn't even try because I thought I would embarrass myself.

The real embarrassment now is knowing what I could have done, had I even tried.

Little Nemo: How would you best like to spend a Friday evening?

Soulless: That depends on context entirely. If I'm going to be with a group of good friends, then I would want the night to start in a restaurant. Not fast food... Maybe a place that serves good beer. So much the better if I can have Guinness or Bass. And a good rare steak. So, a long meal with friends, beers, laughing and joking, then on to a small club to see a band play. Nearly orgasm over how good the band sounds tonight. Have more beers. Wait 'til I'm sober so I can drive home. Kinda like that.

Or with a lover? Dinner would likely be more low key. The restaurant is gourmet or ethnic or both. Service is attentive and pleasant. I'm trying something I would never have tried as a child and it's absolutely amazing. You can't believe how good your dinner is either. Conversation is intense. Interesting. Witty at the right times. Words flow easily. We pick a movie that's a risk. Quirky yet somehow brilliant and we love it. Spend the drive to our place talking about imagery and symbolism. We compare the movie to other greats. Decide none of our friends will "get it." When we arrive, we relax. Find something delicious to snack on as we talk more. Become more comfortable. Maintain physical contact. And through non-verbal communication arrive at a mutual conclusion. And it's a good thing.

Little Nemo: What is your favorite childhood memory?

Soulless: I used to spend a lot of time with my grandparents. Sometimes at night I would wake up in the car on the way to their house. My dad had carried me to the car.

My grandfather worked the graveyard shift. Well, he worked late into the night, anyway. Which meant he slept into the day. At some point, maybe some specific time of day, my grandmother would give us the cue that it would be OK to wake him. My brother and I used to take a running start and leap from the doorway of his bedroom onto his bed. Or onto him. God, what a way to wake up! But he was always happy to see us. And he would rough-house with us and play tricks and make scary sounds. He was playful in a way my father never was. Those moments could be the highlight of my day.

When I got older, I used to stay up late with him on nights that he didn't work. We watched old movies on TV. Usually two of them. And I would sleep on the sofa the rest of the night.

Little Nemo: What do you like best about yourself? Least about yourself?

Soulless: I'm reasonably good-looking. I'm smarter than the average bear. I have strong friendships. I'm creative. I have many diverse interests. I feel strongly. I have people who love me. I think those are all good things.

I'm also a little vain, a little shy, a little quiet, a little distracted, a little overweight, a little depressed, prone to understatement, poor self-observer, a little impulsive, a little compulsive, a little moody, a little negative, a little inconsistent. Those are things that I think could be a lot better.

—-

Thanks! those were excellent questions!

—-

THE RULES!

1) Leave a comment saying you want to be interviewed.
2) I will respond. I'll ask you five questions.
3) You'll update your journal with my five questions and your five answers.
4) You'll include this explanation.
5) You'll ask other people five questions when they request to be interviewed.

[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (January 27, 2004 1:10 AM) by revealing evil. [+]

« OH! | Main | I Had a Fantasy »

blogging controlling creating doing hearing helping learning linking quoting ranting reading revealing seeing speaking thinking wanting writing