February 2004 Archives

I feel like "I can't take anymore! I can't go on like this!"

Then I remember "Fuck! I forgot my meds!"

30 minutes later, I'm like "Whatever. Holy crap! Was I insane?"

It's mixed-up for me. I believe that she made an impression on me because of the books. She is that one radiant, wise, harshly beautiful woman that must exist in fantasy tales—every bit as much as the good witch Glenda or a fairy Godmother.

I almost feel like I need to reread the text to be sure, but I think she even communicates telepathically with each member of the fellowship before they ever meet her.

Strong. Powerful. Immortal. Alluring.

I think two things really clinched my affection for her. One being her portrayal by Cate Blanchett, which really worked for me, and the second being a sort of wishful reminder of my obsession with another woman at the time.

So it's partly what I know about the character, partly her portrayal in the movies, and partly just being a boy who gets carried away.

I revere her in some ways the same as I revere Gandalf, but then the issue of gender arises—and I am taken.

—-

*If you're a fan of the books, you ought to know about this resource: http://www.glyphweb.com/arda/

One of the biggest sources of pain in my life is my refusal to accept the reality that I have very real attention challenges. Got me a speeding ticket today. I was driving someone else's car. After the fact, it's easy to say "I should have been paying attention."

Of course, it wouldbe easier to pay attention if I wasn't working with an exhausted brain all the time. I don't know what's with that. I cannot stand being so God-damned relentlessly self-analytical. That voice in my head never, ever, ever shuts off. My brain is the child that can't sit still. not for 30 seconds. The one that exhausts you because he never stops running, yelling, exploring. Except all of that happens inside my head. But only when I'm awake.

I got to my 9:00 meeting at 9:30 this morning. Which is really the result of a thousand ill-conceived decisions. But I was late. Speeding more than I thought I was. Getting stopped for the ticket was really just icing. Fortunately the meeting went well. I had another meeting scheduled today at 1:00. I remembered it an hour ago. And I rage because it's so mutherfucking humiliating to say I forgot. You don't get to say "I forgot" without looking either completely irresponsible or like you're a pompous ass because you couldn't be bothered to meet with the little people.

All the while the voice goes on and on, explaining himself relentlessly to no audience. Wondering. Wondering aimlessly. Letting his attention fall where it may.

Craving. Buying to fill the void. Eating to relieve anxiety. Looking for the sugar rush. The caffeine high. The music to amplify the emotion. The two-pint buzz. The perfect orgasm. The mushroom cloud of bliss.

Anything to get me away from the troublesome reality where I feel like I can do nothing but hurt and disapoint people with my lack of attention, general forgetfulness, and extreme procrastination.

The drugs help a little. There is some difference... I feel like the effort to pay attention in a conversation pays off a little more. To concentrate in a class is a little easier. I have been able to overcome a few times even my best attempts to wait to do something until later.

And the depression part? When I want to kill myself, it must be time for my next dose. Do they work? I think the test is "Am I still alive?"

I find myself getting more bitter and angry about the whole thing. My mess. Me.

I don't know.

Then the meds kick in and I feel stupid about feeling stupid.

Between the story I made up while editing photos, and reading the amazing words in the stories of others...

I feel like I have one hand on the crop, one hand on the wheel, and a mouth on...

Wicked, wicked, wicked.

Please don't stop.

Yeah, I guess the color scheme of my blog fairly screams for attention, especially from a distance what with the red banner against the black background. And then profanity in big bold letters...

But if I didn't do that, would you love me just as much?

There's always RSS...

When I learn to play a driving bassline like that, I will be a sexy muthafucka.

I'm probably going to want to go back here (NSFW!).

There was a time when porn wasn't so plastic and airbrushed.

Wow.

I watched the Bonus DVD that came with my Fellowship of the Ring DVD (I don't have the ultra-mega special edition, yet).

There were several short segments about design or costumes or sets or characters.

In one segment I noticed Liv Tyler's tongue was pierced. Intéressant!

However I was most personally moved by the footage featuring Galadriel, whom I love. When Kate Blanchett spoke, I noticed she was wearing this lovely muted red (almost pink) coat. I was rivited.

I still haven't seen the final film in the trilogy. Isn't that wrong?

What will it take?

Rubbing your nipples gently?
Rolling your nipples between my fingers?
Clothes pins on your nipples while you're powerless to prevent me?
A bite on your neck?
Whispering your name in your ear?
Whispering "Slut!" in your ear?
A tongue tracing over your skin? You know where it's headed...
A tongue gently flicking at your clit?
A tongue firmly massaging you just the way you like it?
Sucking your clit into my mouth?
Do you want more?
Do you want my fingers in your pussy?
Should I fuck you with my fingers while I lick you?
Do you want my fingers to find the spot you like? Right there?
Do you want my cock, just a little at a time?
Should I slowly fuck you while you hold a toy to your clit?
Should I roll you over and bang you hard?
Do you want to come when I'm banging you?
Do you need to feel dirty?
A you a filthy slut begging for cock?
Are you a little whore for cum?
How bad do you want it?
Tell me how you want it.
Tell me how it feels to ride my cock.
Tell me that you want to come.
Ask me if you can come.
Ask me if you can come.
Don't come yet.
Do you want to come, baby?
Yes, baby!
Come.
Yes!
Mmm, that's my girl.
That's my girl!
Mmm! What a *good* girl!

I want to watch you dance.

I want to see your hunger.

I want to know your passion.

Will you show me?

Followed with a firmly carressing tongue.

It's more intense when you're jumpy.

And it makes me grin.

I take your nipple between my teeth

I ache.

I have ravaged my body by depriving it of sleep and forcing it to run on caffeine.

Every nerve in my body is protesting madly. Angry. Noisy. There's a rush and a ringing in my ears.

It's bad for me to drink. I knew that. I only had a glass and a half of lite beer, but that's enough to trigger the melancholy.

Mmm. Watery beer.

I drove back in time. Out to an old friends house. He's living with another man. I sense the man felt threatened when I walked in. He was vacuuming the house. The house my friend never moved out of. Bought from his parents two years ago.

He never came out. Not to me anyway. Bathroom reading includes back issues of The Advocate. I wonder what he thinks would change if he told me. Everyone thinks I am naive. True, I act childish. But that's different. I see you to your core in minutes. Heh. At least I think I do. I can suspend disbelief when it's called for, though.

Drove past the house I grew up in. The one my Dad left because he was laid off and he didn't think he could make the mortgage. He's never stopped regretting that move. He built a beautiful house for himself, but it pales in comparison to the rose-tinted memory.

Names lept out at me as I passed each house. I'll bet none of them are there anymore except that I remember them. Turned corners and streets that I had passed over a thousand times before. I was riding my bike. I was on the school bus. My parents were driving and spelling things they didn't think I could understand. The lawns I mowed in the heat of summer. The yard where they teased me until I left. The friend who was no friend at all. The Burger King that isn't there. The houndstooth pants she was wearing when she put my hand on her vulva. My '63 Dodge Dart.

I went to the Cub Foods where I used to go at 3 in the morning after I closed Burger King. Bought Ho-Ho's because I have a diabetic death-wish. I paged through the faux-summer in Vogue. Little girls playing in make-up. How I used to obsess. Children in stilettos. Lovely to look at. It's the same issue every year. How I used to want that.

Drove past her house. Remembered perfume and lust. And new tapes in the casstte deck. Turning another corner I was driving her to the mall. We were going uptown because we were cool. I was working my summer job for the city parks.

A song came on that reminded me of Bjork, and my tires were squeeling out of the hotel parking lot because she laughed at me. And I was paranoid it would cost me everything. And I was at work where I ran into her day after day. Her name doesn't cause the same reaction it used to. Feels like a beloved toy that's kept even though it's broken. And if I saw her, I would still feel it. And I would still wear the stone face. My eyes betray me. Windows to my Soulless.

Queen of the Damned said I believed in nothing. She would give me something to believe in.

I have strong personal glamour. Hides my dead heart and black soul. Long gone because I could never sheild myself. Because I was terrified by my protectors. Nowhere is safe. Love begets abandonment and random punishment. The disorientation of an open-handed slap. The dread and humiliation of the spanking. The ruler. The belt.

Alcohol. If it feels so good, why does it hurt so bad? Brain-chemistry shaken, not stirred.

Not stable when served at body temperature. Store in a cool, dry place.

If I wake up, please just stroke my cock until I forget. Give me an IV drip of heroin lust. Give me sugar pill placebos. Put a ring around it so it never goes down. Oblivion calls to me.

It's ringing in my ears. It's agitated white noise. Every cell sings sweetly for it.

Just tell me you're the one that fixes it. Takes it all away.

Softly spoken magic spell.

Space and joy
Vous êtes très belle, mama
Girls and boys

OMG!

Yes. You were right. They *did* have good masturbation video!

=:o

I killed the original Blogger site yesterday. Today the old URL comes up as "not found."

I'll miss the old site a little. But Typepad is a way groovier host. I can do so much more here with my meager skillz than I could at Blogspot. Coming here was the right thing to do.

So I guess technically blackasmysoul.blogspot.com is up for grabs...

Holy Crap!

Better to read email on my laptop while on my break than on my work computer in the middle of that big room.

No one else knows the wicked beauty I've seen.

Why all the fuss?

I was treated to a pair of... photographs. I will not specify the content other than to say the sender is also a blogger and might choose to post them on her site. As befitted the subject matter, the photographs were large.

Not the sort of thing I ought to be seen looking at while "working" is all.

Let me just say that I was spellbound—and honored that my opinion was being sought.

I would like to have licked or fondled my monitor. Fortunately I remembered I was at work.

Five more hours until my shift is over. Hmmm. It's going to be uncomfortable walking around with an erection all that time.

"Blue what?"

I've been writing about looking at porn all morning.

Now I'm going to look at porn.

And masturbate.

You're the best.

OK, as I promised myself, I rated my site's content with a tool provided by ICRA. It was more complicated than I thought, since I pull scripts and images from other domains, but I was able to use the testing tool provided at the ICRA's site and got a green light indicated that all of my content was rated in my meta tags.

While I was at it, I made some additions to the "Blogging" section on the lower right and the "Loving" and "Reciprocating" categories on the left. Finally, I updated all of my templates so that the "Sinner" and "Sin" links appear in the header of all of my pages.

Wouldn't it be easier if the header was a separate file that could be included in any template? Um, yes. That's on the list.

As soon as I send in this post I'm going to republish the site. Wish me luck!

I put more of my favorite pics in the Sinner album.

And a little as to what I think about when I see them. So if you want to know what's going on in my head... there it is. It's all fantasy.

Very *not* work safe. But in general, fairly tame.

I have... a lot of porn. If I did this on a hundred different nights, I would probably come up with 100 different sets of pictures.

Keeping this blog has certainly opened me to many more ideas about what is erotic... and I didn't even touch on many of those.

I must admit feeling uneasy about revealing this much, as if when you know this about me you'll judge me a bad person. I don't know that I'll keep either the images or the text for very long.

Is the universe telling me something?

The longer I have this blog, the less privacy I have to write in it.

My current workstation is against the wall in a large room with frequent traffic. If no one is close by, I don't feel too bad about having the interface up for entering posts or tweaking my blog configuration or links just slightly. But I can't really keep my blog up on screen. And if anyone stops by or passes through, I have to minimize or close windows that I'm using. Of course, acting protective looks suspicious.

And because I work in the late part of the day, there is less time to be on-line in the morning like I have been.

I only say these things because things keep changing. My home life is changing. My emotional life is changing. And it's all really hard to reconcile.

I keep being afraid that I'll offend the beautiful people I've met here because it might look like I've been avoiding them or something.

I've been trying to get more sleep. And in a lot of ways, I'm trying to me much more present in other areas of my life. Very significant people in my life have been getting very little attention from me. And with my having been unemployed for six months I can hardly use the excuse "I've been busy." The truth is more like "I've been preoccupied and self-centered."

This blog is really important to me. Keeping it updated is very important to me. Keeping in touch with the people I know via this blog is important to me.

I guess I'm a little keyed up because I like to find a rhythm where all of the things I like fit reasonable well. I haven't worked nights in a really long time. It's going to take a while to make everything work well. But I want it to work well.

I have to run. My half-hour break has just stretched to 45 minutes. Time flies when you wi-fi.

I said I felt like a square peg that was trying to fit into a round hole. I realized that it could have seemed sexual, although that was not my intent. Not this time.

When she replied sympathetically that I needed a square hole to fit into... My mind went straight to the gutter.

Either way, I couldn't agree more.

It's always there, but sometimes it carries me out like a riptide.

Reminds me of a poem I wrote once. I don't remember the exact text. But it was about a boy raging against the ocean. Thrashing. His salty tears mixing with the waves. Futile.

I'll be OK. I'm just having a pity party right now.

"You keep pumping iron, and I'll keep pumping irony."

-Robert Plant

I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this.

I want to give up.

Liar. Liar. Liar.

Fool.

(Me.)

My head hurts. My fault because the pharmacy is closed.

Watched Vertigo tonight. Second time I've seen it.

Would be just like me to have happiness in my hands but lose it to prove a fucking point.

Senseless.

I guess I'm supposed to be a zombie. Or that's what it feels like. Don't think or feel or be random. Just fall in line and do what people expect.

I made the cage.

I made it myself.

It hurts less if I give in, don't resist, right?

Please tell me it hurts less.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I'll keep going through the motions.

But I'm not happy about it. Not today.

What do you like with your pancakes?

That is the question.

You naughty girl!

Fuck it. You're getting all three.

We say we love red on you. And we do. And we'll be riveted. Of course.

But...

If you want to have a really profound effect, at least on this boy, you will wear pink.

And he will be reduced to the level of battling his basest insticts, with visible effort. And he will lose.

"Yes."

I dreamed a lot last night.

You know how it is when sometimes you have several dreams that seem to surround a situation or seem to flow one from another?

Well I think that's what hapened.

What I remember specifically is that I was talking with a young woman. We were in a group of friends or something, possibly in a vehicle that was open to the outside air.

She was complaining about where she was living and wanted to move to another apartment. We started talking about a few of the apartment complexes in the area and she mentioned some places she wanted to check out. Then she asked me if I wanted to share an apartment.

Naturally, I said "Sure!"

But then immediately I started thinking about the consequences of what I had just said. I mean, I wanted to do it and it seemed like a fun idea. But I knew it was much more complicated than that. I thought about what it would cost to pay for two places to live. And I thought about what it would really mean. And I knew it couldn't happen. Or it wouldn't be as easy as all that.

Who loves you more than I do?

-Soulless

One to go.

I'm going to keep a text-only format for this page.

Where did the photos go?

Follow the Sinner link at the top of the page.

Sin is a link to my stories (They are accessible through my archived posts as well, still in the writing category.).

1) Create new album for images. Yes, that's it. And I can continue along the lines of the themes I've been developing. Then maybe I can go back into more Safe To Read At Work (tm) territory.

2) I should probably register with some of the content filtering services. Any ideas as to which ones I should do?

It's a really bad idea to go to bed at 3:00 am when you have to be at work by 7:30.

Really bad.

Just so you know.

Well I can be wicked, too.

That is *so* not true.

I'm remembering what it was like before.

I'm trying to be good.

I'm a little obsessive.

I'm throwing these thoughts out with out knowing what the reaction is. Where I am physically located now I really don't dare install any chat clients. That's far too great a temptation. I could spend the entire work day completely engrossed.

I don't really dare check my email as obsessively as I'd like, either. I thought I would be able to use the little hooks in Outlook Express to read my Hotmail accounts... But I'm guessing that is a network transaction that's blocked at some level because it's not working from here.

Plus, I have no idea what type of monitoring is done on the network. For all I know I'm being watched like a hawk at every moment.

I have to be a little paranoid... But here I am typing this entry at work anyhow. ;)

But I feel more clever, because :: w.bloggar :: is a less obvious way to post from work than it is to post from web a browser window. Hell, I even feel worried about emailing entries from Hotmail!

But this looks like it could be an email client or something. No nudie pics or Big Bold Words on screen to make you watch over your shoulder.

Oh... and it minimizes to the system tray in Windows. And it supports Typepad.

And you can set it up with profiles for different blogs. If you're into that. Some people I know have more than one. :: cough ::

And there's spellcheck!

And, it's free!

There just isn't enough time to keep track of you and get all of my thoughts out during a half-hour break!

But I'll have you know that I'll be walking back to the tech room sporting a stiffy. Too bad the sexy techs went home already.

Whatever shall I do?

I would definitely consider it...

But I'm thinking about a two way street.

And it's making me tingle.

When you come with my mouth on your sweet, wet pussy...

I love that. I want you to have more and more.

And I'm sad when it's over. A little.

Because sometimes I can't make you come enough. I can't touch you enough. I can't be close enough.

And I want more.

The eyes trump.

That is a beautiful picture. I remember when you first showed it to me.

Hmmm...

I don't know when I've posted so prolifically since before I got laid off.

I wonder if maybe I was a little uptight about not working?

I don't know. But tonight I feel differently than I have in a long time.

I feel good. Really good.

I forgot how much I *love* that.

Dear young boys and others searching for porn:

Do not use a search engine. Do not use Google, Yahoo, AOL, Hotbot, or any other tool like that to look for porn. There is plainly too much noise. Everyone and his brother and his third cousin twice-removed have words on their sites like lingerie, bikini, topless, models, legs, ass, pussy, cunt, dick, cock, twat, fuck, suck,cum, masturbate, rim, fisting, teens, sex, dildo, vibrator, clitoris, g-spot, penetration, sexy, vagina, penis, tits, boobs, breasts, nipples, xxx, virgins, anal, midget, pole, squirting, bukkake, facial, cum shot, tentacles, fetish, bondage,dominatrix, whore, slut, coed, threesome, porn, porno, pornstar, fluffer, oral, head, hummer, semen, cheerleader, nurse, panties, panty hose, gangbang, M.I.L.F., bestiality, foot fetish, coprophelia, necrophilia, jism, lap dance, strip tease, peep show, golden shower, double penetration, orgy, x-rated, voyeurism, exhibitionism, then there's Geri Halliwell and every other celebrity you're thinking about. Mmmm. Ginger... These people know what you're looking for and want to detour you. If you found this post on a search engine I rest my case.

Take a look at the link at the right sidebar on this page under the heading "Masturbating." Because I know that's what you're doing now. We all know it. You're not fooling us. Click on a few links. Follow a few links to other sites from sites that have the sort of thing you're looking for. That's the best way to do it. No, I don't have all the links. That's impossible.

I know, because I masturbate.

Thank you for your attention.

(I'll add any other words you might suggest, and I would consider adding links.)

Emmie wrote an essay! (She answered my five questions.)

Girls in the Bag. Love them.

Ok, my little personal crisis is over for now.

I decided to go with the opportunity with the community college on the basis that it has a better chance of turning into a permanent position. Also... I had been speaking to them for some weeks concerning this opportunity and it just felt right.

I was honored as hell to actually have the opportunity to decline a position. I am still recovering from a little shock and awe on that one.

The consulting firm was cool about me declining and said they would be happy to represent me in the future because of my strong skill-set.

Damn! These are not bad problems to have—not at all!

So, tomorrow I go back to the grind officially. Noon, CST.

Please extend my gratitude to the universe.

"More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly." —Woody Allen

I have two jobs to choose from today. I told one this morning I could start tomorrow at noon. The second one interviewed me at 1:00pm and wants me to start tomorrow morning. I have less than an hour to decide on my fate for a minimum of 8 weeks.

Bloody hell!

Neither is permanent.

They are both potentially very good opportunities.

The consulting firm will pay more and will work me for 12 weeks instead of eight, maybe with overtime, but will be very emotionally demanding in addition to the mental challenge. The digs are sexier, too. More than 40 floors up in a tower downtown.

The school pays less, but *could* be a door into a longterm position with very regular hours and good benefits and less stress in the long term. Or it could just end and leave me with less money than I might have had.

God! I don't know!

I have neither read nor seen A Clockwork Orange. Nor have I ever studied Russian.

I can only hope that I came close to guessing what you meant.

:: pouts ::

Hello, Sexy!

Well, busier day, perhaps... Interview at 0900. Tentatively (to me) have a backup interview scheduled at 1300. The second interview is at a law firm in downtown MSP, which is a sexier proposition but also costlier as I would have to pay for parking... or try to get a bus in from the suburbs. Money or time? Money or time? The first interview is with the state college and university system. Only a fifteen minute drive further into the suburbs, opposite the flow of rush-hour traffic. Oh, and if it turns permanent, free tuition. Free. At any school in the system.

I'm hoping the first one is just a formality as I suspect (there have been no other candidates ever, to my knowledge), but the level of responsibility I would have via the firm is alluring as well.

As the world turns... ;)

I just changed the site templates a wee bit. I realized I had two links called "Reading" that lead different places. That is no longer the case. There is still a post category called Reading, about books I've read. The list of current books I'm reading is farther down on the left.

Archives and Categories are also available on the left, behind the link called "Keeping."

My porn name.

My nipples do seem to be Make-Cock-Rock-Hard buttons.

That is all.

"I'm sorry I fucked the shit out of Pricess Meredith. I couldn't help myself! It was her magic!"

Right. That'll work.

By the way, are any of you Sidhe?

Just curious...

Ergh!

I've been reading "Seduced by Moonlight" all morning and I'm about half-way through it.

Holy crap is that book sexual!

At the moment I'm sitting here at the keyboard clad solely in plaid flannel pajama bottoms in such a state of arousal that the small fan I have running (Is it hot in here?) is making my nipples feel good.

That's right, I said nipples!

Nipples so sensitive that I flinch and buck when you touch them...

So anyway, between that book and, uh, a post I just read... I'm torn between trying to find nude pictures of Geri Halliwell or just outright stroking my cock until I come in gobs.

Just in case you were wondering.

Where did I put those gloves?

Gawd!

I think I'll hold you down with one hand, and with the other...

Sometimes I feel a little sheepish and silly. Like I should learn how to just shut up. Do you know what I mean?

I think if it had been me voting, I think I would have cast it for Jenna and her sense of entitlement.

I was wondering. Thank you.

Did you know I was a smart-ass?

I interviewed at a consulting firm today.

Wore a suit. Fresh hair-cut. I was very confident and frank. I told them exactly what type of position I was looking for and explained my potential limitations. I told them I am excited about continuing in my career and I am ready to work.

I scored way above their local and national averages on Windows 2000 and Windows 2000 Server.

So, I rock!

Now hire me. I'm fucking good.

I could kiss you, Goth Angel!

Thank you!

Dirty Whore Diary is becoming Just One Bite.

Give her love.

And I feel her pain.
I'm still not done categorizing and re-titling my posts from when I moved off of blogger.

Heh. Yeah I should get right on that.

Hrmm.

Lady Dracule at Teacher's Pet weighs in with her side of the story.

IMHO. she is too modest. She writes fan-fiction, among other things.

I'll probably not come out and say it.
But I wonder.

I wonder every time.

Every time something stikes so close to home.
Strikes a chord.
I sit and blink.
And swallow the impulse.

Uncharted territory that feels like home.
It couldn't be...
Wouldn't it be?
What if we...?

No, no. Mustn't.
Here's the out:
I would fuck it up.
(Lays waste to any dream)

So not going to go there.

Every time something stikes so close to home.
Strikes a chord.
I sit and blink.
And swallow the impulse.

Is the total to date.

I'll post more links as the answers are made known.

Maybe you've wondered if I will ever write stories again.

I think I might, with the correct incentive...

Here is an example of stunning blog design.

If you can't see the skin I'm writing about, choose the 'reset to default' skin option.

I've thought about employing her to do design for me.

Although at this point I'm thinking about just giving her money...

Sometimes, I wonder how much you could take if I held you down and made you come again and again.

Or how long it would be before you wanted more.

Because I think I know where you want to go.

And I think I could take you there.

Holy cats did my heart leap when I got an email with that subject!

Ahem.

I knew you meant the song title.

After you mentioned the MP3.

Er...

But I am such a leg man.

On one of my favorite reads there was mention of a drawer filled with garter belts and other fun things. On another, pictures of sexy stilletto-heeled boots...

Mercy!

Jesus, I'm about to break a sweat...

Ok. I'm yours.