March 2004 Archives

I'm just so tired of being the broken one.

So plainly and visibly broken.

I need rest.

OK. So the earth has shifted a bit under my feet.

First of all, I did talk to my doctor about being extremely depressed this past weekend. He prescribed a second, additional antidepressant called Effexor. I started it today. I feel relaxed and slightly drowsy as I write this, which is a little odd given this is often the time of day my energy starts to increase.

I've been talking to a lot of people about their personal mental health issues. One man I spoke with at my last meeting said that having depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts after confronting addiction was part of the progression of things. The fact that I am here writing this today is an excellent sign. And I feel less freakish.

Other people I talk to who have issues with depression tell me that I don't have to live like this, that it can be much better on the right medication. So there's a clue that I need to try something different.

One of my readers suggested to me recently that I should consider that I might be bipolar. At the time, I knew less about the illness than I thought I did so I wasn't really serious about following up on it—which is really too bad.

Too bad because a colleague of my SO (who happens to have a PhD in Psychology) was asking all sorts of questions about my habits and issues and suggested that I ask to know my formal diagnosis and ask to take the MMPI. She believes I may be bipolar or bipolar mixed—with depressive symptoms coinciding with mania. And all this time I have been using masturbation as a form of self-medication to regulate my mood and chemistry.

What this all means is that I have scheduled an office visit with my doctor. His first available appointment is in a few weeks... so I'll have to hold tight for a bit. I can manage, I'm sure. But I want to start a dialog with him about several symptoms that I never gave a second thought to—but which he would have needed to know in order to come to the correct conclusion. Assuming he agrees, then comes the process of finding the right medication.

That part I'm not so keen on.

But knowing that my issues can in fact be better managed is a bright spot for me.

This Effexor stuff is making me feel drowsy. Relaxed and drowsy. I wonder if that will get worse.

Download fileDownload fileaudio post powered by audblog

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I have scored as INFP, previously. But usually I'm classic INTP. Interesting.

I was as shocked as anyone when I learned how my thoughts and behaviors mimicked those who are said to be addicted to sex.

I know that based on the few words I have written here, it's not possible to conclude that I have any sort of illness. I don't take the diagnosis lightly, and I'm still questioning it—even fighting it all the while. But so far, it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck. Doesn't mean it is a duck, but that's where indications are pointing.

I still have a lot to learn about myself and my motivations. Really the jury is still out.

But I'm going to continue in the program for the short term, at least.

So much to say and no time.

I've calmed down a bit. I've rested more. I've worked out the last two mornings.

A weekend full of activity has kept my mind away from darker places. But I still am talking to a Doctor tomorrow. I was too close to the edge on Friday night. Other depressed people on meds tell me I shouldn't have to live like this—that they no longer have issues like this.

I'm not saying I think meds will resolve my addictive issues, but maybe I won't have so many dark thoughts?

I don't know what the answer is. I'm still searching.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

I owe many email replies.

Monday I'm going to contact my Psychiatrist.

I have extraordinarily low motivation and it's not getting better.

Trying to stop my addictive behavior has made me realize that I've been using lust as a way to feel alive.

When I'm sexually aroused is the only time I feel confident and powerful.

I had to masturbate before I left the house this morning... and got to work two hours late.

I'm getting help.

I won't do anything stupid. I promise.

The realization that I've hardly been living a life is very painful. And seeing my behavior for what it is, frankly, is humiliating.

I hurt a lot right now.

It really hurts.

So, yeah, I really do crave orgasm. Because at least it's a few moments when my thoughts are not full of suck.

Your support means the world to me.

Thank you.

Mmm. Sincerely...

Catch 'em while they last.

Posted a few photos.

You heard it. There'll be no lump of coal from this Santa.

Santa loves it when you're in his lap.

If you are really asking for tools, he does indeed have one that's just the right size for your toolbox.

He's been aching to find a good home for it.

audio post powered by audblog

That's for bad girls.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then come sit here next to me.

One of my search hits today used the words 'Galadriel' and 'masturbate.'

Is that a new high or a new low?

I will find you.

Which is to say,

I know where you moved.

Thank you!

What if it isn't cool?

But then I think, oh my God, what if it is?

Because that's what I want.

Worry. Worry. Worry.

I hope you're ok.

audio post powered by audblog

My lips on your nipples. The texture and warmth. And how they change when I play with them.

Thank you for saying exactly what you think. I need that.

You do know how to make a boy feel wanted!

Is it sleep?

I got a lot of rest last night...

And I woke up hornier than hell.

May I introduce you to my cock?

I know it's not your responsibility to fill the black hole.

I know it's mine.

One day, I'll figure it out and be nova bright.

audio post powered by audblog

I stand accused of having a silver tongue.

I like it.

Q: Do you actually have a physical person to fuck?

Because if you don't, then I have to tell you that I think your obsessiveness with sex is probably pretty natural and it's only that you say publicly what lots of 35 year old men without partners (or partners who are not.... wired the same way) are THINKING. I think there are probably times in peoples lives when they just CRAVE that physical involvement on such a deep and basic level that, for lack of an outlet, they are constantly tormented by it. I'm not talking about hormones - that is what 18 year old boys have. I'm talking about a craving for union. It often shows up as just raw, unquenchable lust - but it's not. That is just the physical symptom of an emotional need.

A: Yes, is the short answer. But, uh, I've kinda put up roadblocks there. In retrospect, what happened was my SO started feeling like she was taken for granted. I know why, now. It's because I was fucking. I mean, I was never demanding in an aggressive way, but I was demanding in manipulative ways. And I kept wanting to prolong the experience, riding the crest of almost coming for as long as possible. Getting to the edge, and backing off a little, and then again.

When she brought to my attention that I would pout or otherwise be crabby until she gave in, naturally I felt like a shit-head. But instead of dealing with it, I just heaped the guilt on myself and told myself I was a bad man. In a way I kinda gave up, instead of trying to learn to initiate sex in a different way or being respectful—I got a little better then, way better over time. But I also withdrew, confused and afraid of being a 'user.'

She moved away for a while because of a career choice, and that's when I turned to porn. Magazines. I would take 2 or 3 or 6 and kneel on my bed and ride that wave looking at porn. And have in-fucking-credible orgasms. No emotional baggage, right? Whenever I want. As long as I want. And I could wipe myself off, turn off the lights, and crash for the rest of the night.

As I've written a thousand times previously, I started this blog because of the conflict I made up in my head over the way I felt versus how I thought I should feel—or at least what I thought I shouldn't feel—with regard to a sexually attractive coworker. Frankly, in a way it was delicious. I don't know when I have ever despaired with such intensity. In an insane, illogical way it felt right that I should feel so badly.

Fuck, I don't know. Is it my fault? Is it my brain chemistry? Does my thinking affect my chemistry? Do I think too much?

But, in the end, yes—of course I crave an intimacy that I do not currently have. Add years of emotional isolation and resentment in a relationship and I'm in a place where I tip my salon stylist heavily so my scalp massages do not get any shorter. Yes, she rubs my head. With oil. And both hands.

I'm just thinking that, natural desires and needs aside, there has got to be a better way than having my left hand squeeze my cock and my right hand right-clicking to save pictures for 1 or 2 or 5 hours on end.

Q: Do you think that perhaps you could be manic-depressive as opposed to just depressive? Some bi-polars end up manifesting their "highs" VERY sexually. It is certainly a lot less destructive than some of the other ways it can manifest. And it is often not diagnosed because it's just a much quieter way for the manic phase to show - and not nearly as socially unacceptable as running stock scams...

I guess my question is... is your sexuality driving you or are you driving it?

A: Your point is well taken. I don't know, but at your suggestion I'll look into it. I do have pretty severe mood swings at times. And when I get rest, I can go 20 or 30 hours at a time feeling very alert and alive. In fact I almost feel like I have to. So maybe it's something. Someone who knows more will have to help me with that.

At the same time, while I was at the SA meeting, I just kept thinking to myself about how I just want to go home and masturbate. I felt scared and I didn't want to feel that. Sweet masturbation eases the pain, right?

Q: I get this sneaking suspicion that you are a little hard on yourself mentally about the "darkness" of your fantasies. Is that right, does the nature of them bother you? Or are you perfectly comfortable with the nature of them?

A: You're right. I've long operated under the assumption that violence associated with anger and aggression is bad—even abusive—and therefore good and moral people avoid these behaviors. I know I'm not alone in my experience of this, but my parents practiced corporal punishment and I was frightened as hell of my mother's temper. When she flipped out, I never knew if I was going to be hit or slapped or pulled by my ear or my hair because I was a child and acted like one, or if she would hold me in her lap and rock me gently for an hour. I have exercised every bit of restraint I have to not act out physically like my mother did. But I seem to still have her insane temper and I yell like a lunatic when I'm hurt or feel threatened.

In anger I have put my fist through doors and broken things not easily breakable.

Frankly I'm afraid of what I might do if I let loose.

At the same time I'm gaining an understanding of the eroticism that can be present in physically aggressive acts. I know and have read others for whom acts that one could be jailed for are also highly erotic. And I find that in theory some of these same acts hold excitement for me as well. Is this more evolved and enlightened or is it depravity? How is it that things I found despicable a year ago are now the primal subject of some my fantasies?

I feel open to more and more yet I know with some certainty that my SO thinks more along feminist and politically correct lines wherein pornography and the sex industry exist as a way to preserve a patriarchal society and to subjugate, objectify and depersonalize women.

Lastly, I still do have issues because I did take marriage vows. Despite what I may do or espouse here, I understand there are consequences to my actions. I feel terrible sometimes that some of what I have done has made me a liar. All the more because I do it in secret.

And I rationalize it all by saying there are some things I have to know.

Maybe to bring my thoughts together I will say I feel like I should feel bad a lot of the time. I imagine if anything is, that's a pattern of thought to release.

I wanted to thank you for asking questions. I wanted to thank you for challenging my thinking. The perspective you bring me is invaluable.

audio post powered by audblog

I think I'm understanding on a very visceral level what Prince Cel might have felt.

Suffice it to say, being alone in the dark is about the worst.

I tried to distract myself earlier with car magazines. I'm a bit of an enthusiast. I like to be aware of current models and I like previews of new technology. Every bit as much as I'm interested in the same where computers are concerned. However, unlike most computer magazines... the tuner car mags are full of cute little girls in pr0n star gear.

Yeah, that was a good choice, Soulless.

Is it wrong that I want to spray come everywhere?

Are becoming darker.

And more urgent.

Thank you for supporting me. I have had comments, email, e-cards, and IM messages throughout the day.

You're wonderful.

Yes, you.

Jesus Christ! You're going to be the death of me!

You make me want to be bad...

Oh, no... I never forgot, my quivering one. Believe me.

Although right now I would feel much less like dragging it out. And more like taking what I wanted.

God help me.

You're so sweet to suggest it. I know that means you care.

I'm not going to become celibate—per se. That's not what it means to admit sexual addiction, as far as I know.

What it does mean to me personally, and this perhaps will be different with me than with others, is that I will need to eliminate self-pleasuring as an avenue of sexual expression. Primarily because it has become a form of self-abuse and for all intents and purposes it has replaced healthy/normal/any sex with a woman. That part of my life has gone completely out of balance.

It seems reactionary, I understand, but I have tried to stop before. I have tried to do it only occasionally, or only just briefly. Inevitably what happens is that I end up surfing for porn for hours on end.

I have no qualms with porn or sexuality. None. But I know for myself, if I allow myself to look at porn I will masturbate.

I need to know that I can do more with my personal time than amass a gigantic porn collection. It just turns into this insane search for exactly the right image. And it never stops because there's another link and another, and another.

So I have to step away from the porn. Because I can't use it in a healthy way. Because I use it to withdraw from reality. Because I use it to self-medicate. Because I use it to get high.

This is going to be exceedingly difficult. I don't know when my head has been more full of spontaneous sexual fantasy than now. And it makes me want to masturbate. And I don't dare start.

In my previous post, I did not intend to be accusatory. It was not intended to be an indictment of sexuality or a judgment of any lifestyle.

My intent was to admit only that there are aspects of my life which I have been unable to control. It has been a cycle that I have been unwilling to stop, and I have been unwilling to admit I had a problem.

Hell, I only recently became aware that sexuality and addictive behavior could be intertwined... and only more recently still did I realize that those definitions applied to what I was doing.

So, I admit that I have a problem now.

It's not your problem. And I'm not asking you to do anything about it—except to bear witness to what I am telling you in all honesty.

I've done significant damage to my primary relationship. In fact, I feel fortunate that I still have a primary relationship—I can't tell you. I'm in counseling and I'm going to keep going to the SA meetings.

Thanks for listening.

I went to my first SA meeting tonight. I fit right in.

I'm full of angst right this minute. I want nothing more than to get off. The whole time I was in the meeting I wanted to go home so I could be alone and get off.

And I'm super, super sad.

Not sad like I want to die, but sad that I have to change. And I'm afraid of that. Afraid of feeling the emotions I have been running from.

Because I hurt. And I have been insulating myself from so much for so long that I have no idea what it is that hurts anymore. I just know that I am tired of the feelings of shame and humilation. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of being exhausted because I don't get nearly enough sleep... because I spend hours on end rubbing myself raw in front of pornography. I'm tired of being late to work because I have overslept—not having had nearly enough sleep. I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide.

I don't know what the future will bring. But I will keep you in the loop.

It's dark. The sky is just showing the first signs of light.
Quiet.
Only the sound of hard drives spinning.

I'm nude, having only walked from bedroom to office.
To read.
In the half-light.

I know...
If you touched me...
I would inhale sharply at the sensation.

Close my eyes.
Lost.

I want that.

My kingdom for a tat...

Things are looking up.

This is me not having nearly enough time for everything that I want.

The dance keeps running through my brain. I can see it, sense it.

I won't leave you hanging.

I choose a slightly different course.

A slow spiral away from the flames, where the heat has faded and the light is more tenuous. The air is noticably cool and damp. The quiet sounds in the woods become more dramatic. The drone of insects nearly deafening.

Away from the clearing a the brilliant moonlight makes it impossible to feel invisible.

But I know this far away from the fire I move in relative shadow.

And I know I don't have much time.

I don't know if it's the heat of the fire, or if my vision is swimming.

The air is thick with fragrance. Rich with the scent of evergreen, dewey grass, earth and leaves.

Have I matched your pace? Have you matched mine around the fire?

My eyes meet yours across the fire, through the flame and the heat. Locked, for that eternal moment which could never be long enough.

I betray nothing but the stifled beginnings of a grin.

Then I do my best to appear completely disinterested. All the while straining my senses. Keenly aware of you.

I fool no one. You match me glance for glance.

No matter where I am, you're there across the fire. Directly opposite.

This won't do.

Your vibrations are making me tingle!

I have never had a responsibility here that approaches the level of technical expertise and competence that I am capable of.

Don't think that I don't appreciate the paycheck. I like getting paid as much as the next guy. But I have been made aware of no single thing that couldn't have been done if I was not here.

I mean I suppose I could be greedy and milk the situation for as long as possible, but this just doesn't feel right at all.

Does one hunt the huntress?

But if you look in my eyes, you'll see I mean to catch you.

More IM goodness:

(I swear I have to start keeping transcripts)

I was referring to a response to one of my posts when I told her that I got her point.

She sent back, "Which one? I have so many!"

OK, OMG.

a) Flooded with visuals.

b) Night Moves. I instantly heard (in my head) Bob Seger sing "Points all her own, sitting way up high..." And subsequently also "Way up firm and high."

In geek lingo, sexuality, lust, attraction and the like are processes that run in real-time mode. All system resources are consumed. Other processes remain in memory and operate although in greatly diminshed capacity.

In reality, I had to pause and close my eyes.

I may also have had to wipe my brow.

In a chat yesterday, I told her that spreadsheets weren't sexy.

She said they are if they have Easter eggs.

I said something like "OK, Mrs. Fertility-Reference, exactly what kind of Easter eggs were you talking about?"

Then she began to describe the hidden features of software that make things pop up.

I thought about hidden features. And then I nodded slowly. She had me on that one.

It strikes me that the Goddess can have what she wants.

Yeah, that one.

The one with the guitar.

Devastating.

I love low-rise jeans. Or low-rise anything, on women.

Gives me a rise.

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.

"You do not know the power of the Dark Side."

There are two possibilities: you are a Star Wars geek, or you are unreasoningly scary.

Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Via Twilight Café

The morning started well. I slept in and felt rested.

It was all fun and games until I realized my work hours were different this week.

So I'm angry at myself for forgetting. I was late to work this morning.

And I'm extra-angry because plans I made for personal growth might have to be deferred for the week.

I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't do well when things don't go like I had planned. And a day like today makes me wonder why I bother to plan.

I know it's not healthy to think like that. But lack of foresight has kicked me in the ass again and again. It really feels like a losing battle.

You'd think I'd have callouses by now, but it hurts just as bad everytime.

Writing stuff down just doesn't work. I've tried and I've tried, and I've tried. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Goes out to you.

First quarter of my CCNA coursework went damn well despite me. I did well on the test. 88%.

I'll take it.

I'm really glad I studied and didn't give in to sleep.

Meanwhile, I slept 8 hours last night and damn it feels good!

My attention span is less than a minute. On a good day.

It's 9:18 am. I'm sitting at my "desk" at work trying to appear busy. Got some spreadsheets to tweak. Won't take long though so I have to spread it out. Also have a drawing to move from AutoCad to Visio. Not as easy as it sounds—what I need to accomplish can't be done in Visio alone. And I don't know AutoCAD well at all. That may take some time but I fear excessive frustration and I don't want to go there.

9:20 AM. As it write this my legs are bouncing up and down. I'm a little fidgety. And I have to mind the shop by myself. Which I don't mind, but I'm the temp guy. SO I'm not going to be much assistance if someone needs it.

YAY!

9:24

Tick.

Tick.

Yeah.

Slow.

Come on and dance with me.

Yeah.

Slow.

I'm listening to Kylie Minogue's new album 'cause... yeah. You already know.

Anyway, I'm sure it'll be a brief trend, but the music is so early-eighties-new-wave/eighties pop/late-eighties-underground-dance that it's not even funny. Shades of Lipps Inc, Yaz, Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation, The Jets, Stakker...

But she also kicks it urban style.

It's just pop music. And that's just fine.

Suzi posted very complimentary things about my blog.

Thank you, Suzi!

You're the best!

The date I put on the label dates from February of 1986. Yes, that was 18 years ago. I was 17. Senior in high school. I included music that moved me most, apparently right that minute:

Side A

1. People Are People - Depeche Mode
   
2. Blasphemous Rumours - Depeche Mode
   
3. In the Air Tonight - Phil Collins
   
4. Flashback - Jan Hammer
   
5. Chase - Jan Hammer
   
6. Evan - Jan Hammer
   
7. Boys of Summer - Don Henley
   
8. A Month of Sundays - Don Henley
   
9. Sunset Grill - Don Henley
   
10. Seconds - Human League
    

Side B

1. Be Near Me - ABC
   
2. 15 Storey Halo - ABC
   
3. The Sun Always Shines on TV - A-Ha
   
4. Broken Wings - Mr. Mister
   
5. Shout - Tears for Fears
   
6. The Working Hour - Tears for Fears
   
7. Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears
   
8. Alive and Kicking - Simple Minds
   
9. Equinoxe I - Jean-Michel Jarre
   

But I have to take these Cisco assessments...

More than 12 hours without a post... I'm starting to feel neglectful!

Over and over in my head.

"Earth Mother"

I don't know what it means, but I think it's what I want.

Found out some old favorites are updating again, so I linked them on the left in "Lusting."

Sweet!