Black As My Soul: Lust

March 14, 2004

Lust

I went to my first SA meeting tonight. I fit right in.

I'm full of angst right this minute. I want nothing more than to get off. The whole time I was in the meeting I wanted to go home so I could be alone and get off.

And I'm super, super sad.

Not sad like I want to die, but sad that I have to change. And I'm afraid of that. Afraid of feeling the emotions I have been running from.

Because I hurt. And I have been insulating myself from so much for so long that I have no idea what it is that hurts anymore. I just know that I am tired of the feelings of shame and humilation. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of being exhausted because I don't get nearly enough sleep... because I spend hours on end rubbing myself raw in front of pornography. I'm tired of being late to work because I have overslept—not having had nearly enough sleep. I'm tired of feeling like I have to hide.

I don't know what the future will bring. But I will keep you in the loop.

[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (March 14, 2004 9:24 PM) by revealing evil. [+]