OK. So the earth has shifted a bit under my feet.
First of all, I did talk to my doctor about being extremely depressed this past weekend. He prescribed a second, additional antidepressant called Effexor. I started it today. I feel relaxed and slightly drowsy as I write this, which is a little odd given this is often the time of day my energy starts to increase.
I've been talking to a lot of people about their personal mental health issues. One man I spoke with at my last meeting said that having depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts after confronting addiction was part of the progression of things. The fact that I am here writing this today is an excellent sign. And I feel less freakish.
Other people I talk to who have issues with depression tell me that I don't have to live like this, that it can be much better on the right medication. So there's a clue that I need to try something different.
One of my readers suggested to me recently that I should consider that I might be bipolar. At the time, I knew less about the illness than I thought I did so I wasn't really serious about following up on it—which is really too bad.
Too bad because a colleague of my SO (who happens to have a PhD in Psychology) was asking all sorts of questions about my habits and issues and suggested that I ask to know my formal diagnosis and ask to take the MMPI. She believes I may be bipolar or bipolar mixed—with depressive symptoms coinciding with mania. And all this time I have been using masturbation as a form of self-medication to regulate my mood and chemistry.
What this all means is that I have scheduled an office visit with my doctor. His first available appointment is in a few weeks... so I'll have to hold tight for a bit. I can manage, I'm sure. But I want to start a dialog with him about several symptoms that I never gave a second thought to—but which he would have needed to know in order to come to the correct conclusion. Assuming he agrees, then comes the process of finding the right medication.
That part I'm not so keen on.
But knowing that my issues can in fact be better managed is a bright spot for me.
This Effexor stuff is making me feel drowsy. Relaxed and drowsy. I wonder if that will get worse.
When I first went to the latest shrink about my ADHD, he spent most of the session probing into my sex life. He told me later that he always considers that excessive sexual behavior could be a sign of the manic state of bipolar disorder. My ex Adam certainly exhibited this -- even to the point where he would continue to masturbate during his depressive phases, but the themes of his porn would become darker. He would use images that he was ashamed turned him on as a form of psychological punishment, fueling his self-hatred. During his highs, he was horny as a chihuahua in heat. Consider the possibility, Soulless -- your "addiction" is very likely a symptom, not the base condition to be treated.
To be truthful, I had started to see it in that light. You can be damned sure I'm going to talk to my therapist about this. It puts a lot of my behavior in a completely different light.
I'm not saying it absolves me of anything, I'm just relieved there's an explanation for some of those parts of me which I could never understand but felt that I had to learn to accept and live with.
There are probably a lot of people like me who just don't know and have felt like complete failures for being so out of control.
Maybe now I can start some real healing.
I don't think the Efflexor should be making you feel REALLY drowsy. I know that it is one of side-effects stated on the package - but tricyclics (that particular family of drugs) don't usually have an immediate effect like that. They take about 10 days till you have the proper dose in your system to start feeling any real results. If the drowsiness continues after about 5 days, get off it - it's not the right drug for you.
Also, they also have a tendecy to give you "abnormal" ejaculations (delayed, or very hard to achieve). So if this happens, don't panic.