Depakote

A new twist.

I finally managed to get in to my doctor's office today without sleeping through the appointment. And work was even cool about letting me leave in the middle of my day to go. And I still have health insurance.

The appointment went well. I told him that a colleague of my wife's was a therapist and that she told me that I might be bipolar or mixed-bipolar. Bipolar disorder is often characterized as debilitating depression alternating with severe mania in which a person feels powerful, sexual, confident and invincible. The cycles vary with the individual, as does the severity. I tend more toward a more traditional depressive person, but I hover most of the time in a state which is a combination of mania and depression. If that's possible to believe. I have many manic symptoms, but except for those who are very intimate with me, they aren't manifest due to my usual quiet manner. But I suffer from terrible arrogance, irritation at the slowness of others, a sense of hurry-up-let's-go-go-go, overblown irritation with no provocation, and mood swings like you wouldn't believe. Oh, so healthy. All the while feeling horrible despair, hopelessness and isolation. It's almost a wonder I've made it to 35 .

Well anyway, between that and my addiction, it's crazy that I have managed as well as I have for so long—that I even still am in a relationship when all I really wanted was to be alone with my porn.

Well anyway, I told the doctor about a lot of stuff I hadn't even mentioned before. He took lots of notes and asked lots of questions and ended up prescribing the drug I wanted to ask for anyway. So Depakote was added to my regimen.

It does a lot of stuff. It's used as an anti-seizure medication, a med for people who suffer from migraines, and it's a mood stabilizer for people who have my tendency to travel the mood spectrum once or more during a given day. Plus... it has antidepressant and/or stimulant qualities in some. Win/win for me.

I have to say, it felt damned good to be my own advocate for once. I feel a little sadness that it's taken so long for me to learn this, but, as one excellent human pointed out to me, I did learn it. And I did it. So here's to hoping that it's going to help me out. I will observe that, after taking my first dose which is only an eighth of the typical therapeutic dose, I feel... *better.*