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May 13, 2004
Compartmentalization
Therapy today. It's hard to please the normals. Do I behave suspiciously? Yes. Dammit.
"Why did you check out that book? Are you 'in to that' now?"
I was curious, OK? I've read books by pagan lesbians and that didn't fundamentally alter my nature, so why would studies in BDSM?
"Is that against your 12-step group rules?"
Fuck! They're not damned Nazis. Yeah, it's titillating and therefore pushing it.
But whatever. I've been designated as dangerous to put one's faith in.
You've been warned.
Meanwhile I've been told I am to meet with my sponsor over coffee. Yeah, I don't have one yet. Haven't started working the steps.
I'm completely not prepared to announce to people that I have released my lust and am letting God work through me. Don't get me wrong—I feel an affinity with most members of the group... I'm just not religious. So. Not. Religious.
A guy in McDonald's today was talking too loud. He said soomething like "If it wasn't for Jesus, I wouldn't be able to love you." All I could think to myself was re-read your scripture, asshole. I think Jesus' message might have been different than that.
I've been baptised and confirmed in the Lutheran church. I know a little about the bible. A little about Luther. Memorized a bunch of stuff for a formal oral exam. And I'm not impressed. A church is no more or less good than any single person in it. They have meetings about meeting financial goals. They have politics and gossip. They worry about how they look compared to others.
I have known a few truly good-hearted and genuine people in the churches I have known, but too few, really.
I don't want to say God. I want to say All-That-Is, or the cosmos, or something. Something that hasn't been co-opted to mean something less than it once did.
If you want to talk about One-ness, or The Void, or The All, I think I can grasp that. Or even a deity from the pagan traditions.
But saying that God is working through me just seems pompous, elitist, and judgemental. Not to mention a little cuckoo.
I need to get more sleep.
This is all crazy-talk.
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (May 13, 2004 5:07 PM) by doing evil. [+]
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One of the main reasons I could never believe in a personal god had to do with the idea that the most powerful force in the universe would be pedantic enought to give a shit who I fucked.
rg
I often say "just because you go to church, does not make you religious".
I prefer the Pagan deities myself.
Don't let it get to ya...anything the "normals" don't understand, they deem as deviant. I think those that remain close-minded are doomed to a life of boredom and an eternity of loneliness. Never seeking outside their own self absorbed world.
Oh...and in case I've not told ya lately...love your honest and open writing, very refreshing!
You perceive God as your needs dictate; at least that’s what I feel. If you need a crutch he is that, if you need a master he is that, if you need him as a supportive friend he is also that. So many people think a belief in God is a bad thing, a weakness. But sometimes faith in something is good and pure. I was raised with the church but am now a lapsed catholic. I wish I had the clarity and belief many of my acquaintances do, they are much happier than most, even if many think them deluded. The problem comes when you feel it necessary to stick with the dogma of the religion you were born into. I pick and choose what parts to believe in, and find that I am much happier with my path. I confess to praying, you find God if and when you need badly enough.