Black As My Soul: June 2004 Archives

« May 2004 | Main | July 2004 »

June 29, 2004

I'm in SA.

I admitted pretty much everything to my sponsor today. Everything. I had to. I'm getting out of control and someone needed to know to be able to help me.

I've been told to stay off the internet for the rest of the night and not to engage in any activity which might lead to me acting out. Which is *any* time I'm on the internet.

Last night I left the modem cable plugged into the wall, so that much is no longer a secret from my wife. That road is closed for now.

Being without the internet, being without this infinite well of lust, is almost more than I can bear. I basically burst into tears when my sponsor said no more for the rest of the night.

I have to go because I really want to get off and it's not fun anymore.

If it means anything from an emotionally disturbed person, I love you.

I'll figure out the rest as soon as I can.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 5:58 PM [+]

Steely Dan

Rutting.

Lovely word, that. Primitive and animal.

In recent memory, prior to a blog entry I just read, the last time I saw that word used was in the Steam-Punk novel The Difference Engine.

Technology is so sexual it's not even funny.

God bless good connectivity.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:07 AM :: 3 Submissives [+]

June 28, 2004

Hot Hotel Room

Fingers digging into my back.

Fist full of your hair.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:50 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]

June 27, 2004

I Wonder...

What would it feel like to manipulate a clitoral piercing with my tongue?

Just curious.

Some things are just outside of what I have experienced, so far.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:10 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]

June 25, 2004

Poison

Pixie, sprite, angel, enchantress:

Intoxicate me in your perfumed air.

Purify me in the crucible of your sacred fire.

I am agog.

Can my cup hold all that you pour?

[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:30 PM [+]

Good Girl!

You know I *love* the way you think!

[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:20 PM [+]

June 24, 2004

Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

"All the pleasure has been sucked out of this."

[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:42 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]

June 20, 2004

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Comments and Spam

If there are going to be any links to porn on this site, it's because I like the link. If you want to advertise your site, talk to me.

Otherwise, please expect your spam to be deleted and your IP blocked.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:22 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]

June 18, 2004

Bettie Page Action Figure!

That's what I get for walking into Shinder's looking for something new on my lunch break...

I had to buy it: The Bettie Page Cleopatra action figure

Wouldn't you?

[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:22 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]

LUST

I am lust.
I am swimming in it.
It bouys me.

The entire length of my cock craves you.
Longs to be inside you up to my hips.
Thrusting with a gutteral groan.
Craves release.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:54 AM :: 2 Submissives [+]

June 16, 2004

Spooky

Just like a ghost, you've been a-hauntin' my dreams,
So I'll propose... on Halloween.

Heh...

Kinda crazy...

[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:29 AM :: 1 Submissive [+]

Helmut Newton

PHOTO Spécial Helmut Newton

«HELMUT NEWTON est mort le 23 janvier 2004.

«PHOTO lui rend hommage en lui consacrant son numéro d’avril.»

His images are edgy and sexy and compelling. Speaking as a man who has spent a lifetime consuming imagery, I still find his work to be among the most masterful and exciting I've ever seen.

No one does it like he did.

April 2004 issue of Photo, if you can find it.

Also:

Autoerotic
Florence
Staley+Wise
The Helmut Newton Report
Moscow House of Photography
Blow Up
International Center of Photography
Entre Vues: Frank Horvat
fan site

[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:09 AM :: 1 Submissive [+]

June 14, 2004

Tease?

My, how the accusations fly!

And yet, I find I must cock one eyebrow and repeat the following:

"You have *no* idea!"

[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:09 AM :: Submit. [+]

Oh For Two

Two Recieved.

No replies.

Doh!

Soon. Seriously!

You would just not believe how much I have *not* been on the internet in the past week. Much less my own computer... Damn it!

I'll be starting a short short-term contract tomorrow. If I'm lucky... I'll get some form of web access there. If I'm not lucky... it will take longer to write replies and posts.

Wish me luck!

[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:45 AM :: 1 Submissive [+]

Elusive?

:: incredulous ::

Me?

Heh, heh...

You have *no* idea!

[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:08 AM :: 1 Submissive [+]

June 11, 2004

Stolen Moments

Aren't enough, either.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:32 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]

It Makes Me Smile

"I am the devil."

What you do to me...

[+] Posted by Sinner at 5:01 PM :: Submit. [+]

11 Hours

Never went faster.

Never were more right.

Never were more sexy.

I do want more.

So much more.

Is it in you?

[+] Posted by Sinner at 4:54 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]

June 5, 2004

I Was Invisible.

Tell no one!

[+] Posted by Sinner at 3:45 AM :: 5 Submissives [+]

June 3, 2004

Fuck.

Tomorrow is my last day contracting at the current employer.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 6:07 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]

Note to Self

The Taco Salad Supremo at Wendy's is... not. Just don't get it again. If you want chili, just get chili.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:10 PM :: Submit. [+]

June 1, 2004

Stolen From Melpster

Using band names, spell out your name.

Sigue Sigue Sputnik
Outfield
Ultravox
Love and Rockets
Level 42
Echo & The Bunnymen
Siouxsie & The Banshees
Smiths

Have you ever had a song written about you?

Not that I've ever been told.

What song makes you cry?

"Railwayed" by Kitchens of Distinction

What song makes you happy?

Put on Boston's self-titled debut album and I guarantee I will be thinking about bright summer days and not about feeling depressed.

What do you like to listen to before bed?

Slowdive will put me under, no matter how much I want to hear an entire album. Why fight it?

appearance

HEIGHT:

6'2"

HAIR COLOR:

Brown

EYE COLOR:

Brown

PIERCINGS:

My left ear.

TATTOOS:

None to date

right now

WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

"As It Is When It Was" by New Order

WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?

Nothing... Been hours. Now I'm hungry. Thanks a lot!

WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?

Dark. Overcast. Unseasonably cool. Humid.

HOW ARE YOU?

Super! Thanks for asking!

do you

GET MOTION SICKNESS?

Not predictably... Except on any amusement park ride that isn't a roller coaster.

HAVE A BAD HABIT?

Heh heh heh... Gets me chaffing.

GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?

Yes, especially since it's been several years since I last lived with them.

LIKE TO DRIVE?

I *love* to drive. I prefer manual transmissions, thank you. Stop bundling them only with the smaller engines, please!

favorites

TV SHOW:

Do I have to pick one? Since X-Files went off the air, I haven't felt passionate about a show the same way. I don't even watch the Star Trek franchise shows anymore.

CONDITIONER:

My hair is too short to warrant it. Otherwise, I would probably splurge on an Aveda product.

BOOK:

Just one? Right. I'll read anything by Laurell K. Hamilton, William Gibson, Neal Stephenson, and I am gaining an appreciation for Anne Rice (even as A. N. Rocquelaure).

MAGAZINE:

I wish Mondo 2000 was still in publication. I know a lot of those people are on the web now, but that doesn't fucking count the same way. I buy Maximum PC and CPU every month out of a sense of responsiblility for staying current with PC hardware. And I subscribe to Windows and .NET mag because it's so damned technically sound for job-related stuff. I still read WiReD... but it's not as cool as it used to be.

NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK:

Mountain Dew, although I currently do not drink caffeinated beverages and I refuse to drink decaffeinated anything.

ALCOHOLIC DRINK:

On the rare occasions when I order a mixed drink, it's gonna be a screwdriver. If I drink beer, I'll ask for Guinness first and work from there. But anymore, I'm on such a cocktail of meds, my doctor say not to even think about it. I'll still have an occasional one, though.

BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER:

I have a thousand CDs. This is impossible to answer anymore. Whatever I listen to by choice ranks—and that's a list that's not getting shorter.

have you

BROKEN THE LAW:

Yep. Moving violations, mostly. A little underage drinking. Consensual sexual acts. You know. The usual.

RAN AWAY FROM HOME:

Nah. Why leave home to experience indifference and unpredictability and insecurity when it's in my own backyard? There's no place like home!

SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE:

I lived in my head. I had no idea what I was missing. Or I just didn't hang out with the right people.

EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING:

No. Want to?

MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL:

Yes. But mostly to be really annoying to a good friend of mine who was with his girlfriend when I was alone.

EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY:

No, I'm not into scat. And besides, I've spent too much of my life cleaning up after fuckheads-who-think-they're-funny to wish that on anyone else.

USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE:

Wouldn't have mattered. My mom kept it maxed.

SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE:

Not 'til my senior year.

FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH:

No. On the toilet? That has become a little too easy... but a handy skill.

BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY:

In second grade I was some sort of king. In third grade I was one of the boys on Peter Pan's island.

LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER:

I have good shoulders for that.

love

BOYFRIEND:

Been one, yes.

GIRLFRIEND:

Married. ;)

SEXUALITY:

Yes. I have longed for and lusted for girls and women since I was old enough to understand what it meant. Kissed the neighbor girl in front of the school bus. Although it was her idea. I swear.

CHILDREN:

I want at least one child on the way prior to my 40th birthday.

CURRENT CRUSH:

Yes.

BEEN IN LOVE?

Duh.

HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE?

Duh.

BEEN HURT?

You're killing me! Of course!

YOUR GREATEST REGRET

All the shit I *didn't* do.

GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS?

How the hell else do you get to know her?

random

DO YOU HAVE A JOB?

Yes, for the time being.

YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW:

No music. I'm plugged into my laptop and cycling randomly through MP3s.

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Blood red.

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?

Music. Laughing with friends. Feeling fully accepted.

WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?

Women. By far. ;)

WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?

Won't know until I see the selection in the store.

WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?

People who don't judge me, who respect me for my abilities, who rely on me, who I can rely on and trust.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?

Ordinarily, I enjoy blogging and posting but this questionnaire is becoming tedious. Who writes these? Why did I think it would be a good idea to answer all of the questions? It occurs to me now that I could have just answered the questions I liked and edited the rest, but why stop making an ass of myself now?

I do enjoy reading and listening to music if I'm alone. I enjoy connecting with friends when I'm not—food and drink and conversation...

when/what was the last

TIME YOU CRIED?

Today I teared up when I heard Purple Rain.

YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?

I've gotten snail mail from my grandmother in the last year, but that's no more real than any other letter I've received. Words are words.

YOU GOT E-MAIL

I get about an email a minute at my home account. Only occasionally is it something unexpected like an email from a friend or my wife. I have tended to use IM or cell phones for personal communication most recently. Email is becoming problematic.