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September 27, 2004
Rutting
Swallow it all and be glad, for a shilling I've paid and a shilling's worth I'll be having!
Good girl!
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:38 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
Update Your Links
Please be sure that you link to me using the following URL: http://www.blackasmysoul.com/.
For financial reasons I may be forced to do some consolidation of my domain resources... and this particular iteration of the site may go by the wayside. However, if you keep pointing to the domain above, you'll be able to follow this site wherever it goes.
Just an FYI.
Just in case.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:06 AM :: Submit. [+]
September 25, 2004
"Individualist Culture"
She Who Wears Red has a thought provoking post on the nature of Western culture, in particular our individualism.
I think it starts with the phrase, "all men are created equal."
It's a very simple idea with profound consequences. A literal interpretation is that society is immediately de-stratified. The master is legally no more a man than the apprentice. The priest has no more say politically than the parishoner. The infantryman can determine his commander-in-chief.
I realize it's over-simplified—and I do not want to broach to social, religious, political, or economic topics here (except as they apply to sexuality, particularly mine)—but bear with me.
I don't know if we have a national identity anymore as much as we have a nation of identities—and a lot of those are in crisis. We idolize individuals. We really believe Frank when we hear him sing "I did it my way." We love our restaurants because they tell us we can have it our way. Our iPods play our way. Our media, our entertainment, our history books highlight stories about the individuals who made a difference.
At any rate, I think it's culturally endemic that we look only to ourselves for what we think we need. And we internalize that we can trust no one. And that to be strong is to never need to ask for help, to never complain.
I have to say a lot of it is true for my own life. Your mileage may vary.
But I think it's why I have so many issues. I have a half-transplanted family. I am missing part of my personal history.
And I think in part that's why I am now going to support groups.
And why I'm going to learn who my father is.
It helps me feel connected. Otherwise... if I can't connect I'll go off the deep end.
But as to the secrets? We keep quiet what we do not want others to know. We are our own PR agents, managing public perception and spinning events and pimping circumstances.
I'll find out what you need to hear. And you will believe.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:30 AM :: 3 Submissives [+]
September 23, 2004
Thinking of You
;)
[+] Posted by Sinner at 4:18 PM :: Submit. [+]
September 22, 2004
Wierd Week
Yeah, I've been sort of floundering around emotionally. Or maybe just foundering. I just feel kind of bland and not sexy. If I did, I would be taunting you endlessly. You know I would.
As it is, I'm starting to notice how I have been emotionally controlled and manipulated throughout my life, and it's really starting to piss me off.
I think about my emotionally insane childhood where my mother wanted nothing more than to be left alone to her wandering mind yet still remain at the epicenter of all household activity. She ruled the house with the sort of emotional rationales that you give to "win" arguments. Nobody could best her. She was a dirty fighter—in more ways than one.
And now, with my wife, I'm seeing a similar pattern. Argumentatively, she has excellent diversionary tactics. I'm all about admitting my faults. And she's all about reminding me.
My random brain, which I do love sometimes, can't compete at that level. Not that I haven't learned tricks along the way, but emotionally as soon as I become defensive, I have lost the argument. Because as soon as I start to hurt I just feel emotional pain and I want to hurt back. It's very... primitive and reactionary.
I think the mood-stabilizers I take have helped take the edge of that substantially. I credit it them with my ability to notice these things now.
What to do about it, though?
I think I'm really co-dependant with my wife and co-dependant with my family. It's really ugly because I fell completely pulled in different directions by them both. Both of them feel hurt and betrayed by the other.
Things have been broken in my family for generations.
I don't really know my wife's family's history, but there are medications and addictions over there, too.
I don't know. I just can't be the only one who is working to fix things. I can't do it alone. Not that I don't have a support system, but some days I would love to leave my family behind because I feel so much more welcomed and not ashamed of who I am when I am with my support system. Mostly. It depends.
I feel mostly safe with my good friends... but I have told none of them about my addiction, per se. I still have issues with them about only revealing so much. I feel like I'm cheating them. Yet I have no idea about how they will react to me were I to reveal it. And the plain fact is, I'm not ready to do it now, anyway.
Thursday I am supposed to begin evaluation sessions in a new (to me) program at the U. Psychologist woman says it's what will help me. 12-step boys say it's wierd and it doesn't work. Perfect.
But I'll be frank: I want it to work. And the reason is that I would prefer a secular approach. I am not prepared to surrender to My-Higher-Power. I have no relationship other than occasional fits of awe and wonder and noticing things happening in my life that can't all be coincidence.
I haven't decided what to do, other than keep going to the 12-step meetings and to therapy. I guess I do assume I will know what I need to know to make a decision eventually. I just hope that I can somehow also keep my management of my personal life from getting any worse.
I'm not happy. I'm a little down. But mostly I'm afraid. What happens now?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:25 AM :: 2 Submissives [+]
September 21, 2004
Geeky Enough For Ya?
My alternate way of avoiding life is to dive deeply into mildly useful tech stuff.
Well, technology fascinates the hell out of me.
:: shrugs ::
[+] Posted by Sinner at 6:52 PM :: Submit. [+]
Blog Rolls and Surfing
I've given a fair amount of thought in how to surf the blogs that have updated, keep links to ones that I like but don't update so frequently and still make use of my time effectively.
I don't have any answers yet.
On my old Blogger site, I used to use the script from blogrolling.com, which alleges to tell you when your favorite sites have updates, by changing the style of the link in a way you specify. It's really cool when it works. Or you can have it sort your links by recent updates. There are a ton of ways to do it.
But it totally depends on the blogger or the blog tool the blogger uses pinging blo.gs, or weblogs.com. So already things are fucked, since not everyone or every tool does this. Not only that, but sometimes the blogrolling.com service is unavailable. This not only deprives you of the links you depend on, but it fucks up your site design.
Yet another issue is link portability. Copying links between home and work for example. Or between a desktop and laptop. Or what if you get online at the library. The blogrolling service is a really, really good idea, but someone with deep pockets like google needs to snap them up so that their service stays online. I personally gave up on them when I moved my blog to Typepad from Blogger.
Typepad has Typelists, which are sort of dynamic modules for tracking links. They can be sorted and truncated in various ways, but they do not offer the level of functionality that blogrolling.com has.
Manually updating the Typelists has been painful. For a while I was attempting to track everyone who linked to me, but I gave up on that effort since I hardly have time to post anymore. My apologies to anyone I offended by doing that. I just need to make it easier for me to limit my links to the ones I would have time to visit every day. Or so.
My current obsession this week is RSS. Feeds. Atom. XML. I always wondered what the hell that really was.
That was, until The release of Thunderbird. I have been using it for my email on my laptop for about a month now. Upgrading to the latest version gave me an opportunity to try the new built-in RSS reader.
I have to tell you, I was instantly hooked.
All of my super-favorite news sites have XML feeds of some type. Most of my favorite blogs do. If only I could find a way to get feeds for Diaryland sites or Diary-X sites. Oh well. But I have had fun pulling in feeds with both Thunderbird and RSS Bandit (FREE! Not trial-ware or nag-ware!). The later comes with a bunch of subscriptions built in.
The latest Firefox web browser is a useful tool. If there is a link on the page you're viewing to any XML feed, you see a handy little RSS icon appear on the lower right corner of the window. Otherwise, links for subscribing or syndicating or for XML seem to be what the RSS readers are looking for. I have also found, for the majority of recently updated Blogger (blogspot) sites, atom.xml is the name of the file you want to link to. For
Typepad and MovableType sites, index.rdf is the file you're linking to. The LiveJournal scheme may be the /data/rss/ directory.
Your mileage may vary. It's not perfect for getting to all of the good blogs, but it's pretty effective.
If you have a reader that can import XML, here is what I've been working on.
Let me know if any of this made any sense.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:55 AM [+]
Even Keel
I have not been using caffeine. And—more than a week after my last drinking binge—I think my brain chemistry has settled down some.
Maybe my last few depressive posts were really because of drink. I don't know. But I do notice that everytime I drink, I do become a miserable bastard. Remind me of that, will you?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:17 AM :: Submit. [+]
September 16, 2004
Well, Fuck
I feel a little like a jack ass. Maybe more than a little.
About a week ago I told my wife I wanted a divorce. And I devastated her. But here I am still "sorting things out."
You see, in my heart of hearts, I want to fuck everything that moves. I would love to have the freedom to do that. Frankly, I just would like to indulge in lust and fantasy endlessly.
Fuck my job.
Fuck my relationships.
Fuck my house.
Just fuck.
She wants to know why and I played the I-want-to-be-a-father card. She will have no part of that. Least of all with me, least of all now. But I do seriously want that. Really.
The couples therapist we go to is not too keen that I've been so deceptive to him. He asked me to see a licensed psychologist colleague of his to evaluate my therapeutic options for treating my sexual compulsivity. You know, how I rub myself raw while searching relentlessly for the one perfect image by which I will have the most amazing orgasm ever. Even if it costs me my job and my marriage.
Um, so anyway, I went to see the psychologist. She felt that I needed to be in some fairly intensive therapy which would involve individual therapy, group therapy, and mandatory 12-step group meetings.
I guess the good news is that (barring my exit from this marriage—it's my wife's insurance after all) I am covered. Insurance will pay for most of it.
But—the couples therapist—an addict himself of a different sort—got to see the notes from his colleague's session with me. So he knows stuff that I wouldn't have talked about in my sessions with him and my wife because there's stuff I have not (of course) told her.
Between his new knowledge about my habits, my revelation of desire for divorce, and my self-defeating habits regarding my employment, he thinks I'm not headed for anyplace good.
So I have been sorta scared shitless today. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think or do. I don't even know if this post makes much sense.
But I'm talking to people. I'm trying not to isolate myself.
And I guess I'm gonna stop rubbing myself raw. That makes me scared and ashamed and sad. But not having my favorite vice makes me scared, too. Petrified, even.
So that's what been going on in this head of mine today.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:50 PM :: 8 Submissives [+]
I Got the Most Overwhelming Visual
I was sucking your clitoris while massaging your breasts.
You'll stop me if I go too far, right?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:01 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
I Missed You, Too
It's been a hell of a week around here.
I lost a job. My marriage is rocky. And my counselor thinks I'm on pretty thin ice emotionally.
:: sigh ::
You people are way more fun.
:: kisses ::
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:54 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
September 11, 2004
Balls
I would love to see that.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:04 AM :: 2 Submissives [+]
September 7, 2004
You Don't Say
Take the quiz: "What Is Your Kink?"
Nymphomania
You think eating and sleeping are just things you do in between having sex! The problem with there only being 24 hours a day is that there just isn't enough time to cram in all the sex you crave. Your mating call is JUST DO ME!
Link via Flipside.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:30 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
Online Play
Urbanstud has an interesting post at his blog about "playing" online.
My sexual playing is done in secret. Secret in the sense that my wife assumes I am looking at pornography. Secret in that it's all I will admit to doing. She wouldn't like that I chat flirtatiously or sexually. She has told me that she sees that as effectively having sex outside marriage, since it involves a willing second party, and to her that is not acceptable.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. It is masturbation, after all—ultimately. But at the same time, I have had some profound experiences. I have learned first hand that pain and even violence can be erotic to a frightening degree. It's been a way for me to do and to learn things I would never have had the opportunity to before.
Intimacy in online interactions is in the eye of the beholder. My opinion is that it is a form of connection every bit as powerful as television, telephone or letter. And I feel connected when I interact that way.
It may be just me, but I've never taken it lightly.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 7:56 PM :: 6 Submissives [+]
September 3, 2004
I've Never Tried It Before
But I can imagine it.
Preparing your feet with baby oil. Massaging them. Getting the oil everywhere. Rubbing it between your toes. The way it makes your skin glisten.
I can see the way you would have to open your legs to press your feet together for me.
Yes.
I can see the way your toes curl. I can feel them over the head of my cock.
Do you feel how hard I am between your feet?
Do you see the head of my cock popping out at you with each thrust of my hips?
I'm fucking you.
And it feels really good.
The oil is all over me. My cock and balls glisten. The oil is starting down my legs.
I've always thought your feet were sexy and now I can fuck them.
Do you hear how I breathe? How I groan? How hard that cock is for you?
I'm gonna fucking come.
I press your feet around my cock with my oily hands. I madly pump away at the hot slippery mess.
Yes!
The head of my cock feels emormous. I'm starting to lose control as it starts. The orgasm radiates out from my groin like it was the center of my being.
I shoot come between your feet. I get it on your toes and my fingers.
I keep sliding your feet up and down the length of my cock.
Then I take a foot in each hand and, in turn, bring it to my lips and kiss.
Mmmm!
[+] Posted by Sinner at 6:23 PM :: 5 Submissives [+]
September 2, 2004
Yes, I Would.
I would fuck your feet.
Or fuck your tits.
And enjoy the hell out of it.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:33 AM :: 3 Submissives [+]
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