Whining

I'm bored and lonely and pissed.

I wanted to make a red column extend down the full length of the blog page here, but haven't been successful yet. I know I could do it with old-school tables, but I'm trying to do it in CSS and my efforts to date have been for naught.

I should really be sleeping right now, but for whatever reason I'm still wide awake. Probably all the caffeine I injested today. Remember how I said I need to avoid it? Yeah... I still do.

Monday, at long last, I start a new contract. I'm hoping this one turns into permanent work. I need to not fuck it up by coming in late everyday because I spent the entire night online. And I also need to not fuck it up by being online all day at work. I love to check email and I love online chat. Dammit. And blogging. And sexy you.

But anyway... it's a system administrator/network administrator type of position. Dream job, really. Pay isn't excellent, but it's good. And if I can turn it into a real full-time job I'm gonna been super happy.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to go in for a second interview at a large national bookstore chain. I expect to be offered a position for weekend and evening work. I need the money.

Soulless will be working his ass off for quite a while to come. He has to pay back the debts his little compulsive spending habits have racked up.

In still other news, I've been working out. Treadmill, mostly. Power-walking between 4 and 5 MPH, for close to an hour a day. The doctors say that an hour of intense aerobic exercise a day is good for what ails my Attention Deficit Disordered, Depressive-tendencied, bi-polar brain.

I'm inclined to agree. My mood has been way better lately, generally speaking.

Except for being pissed at the 12-step program I'm in. Despite a generally welcoming environment, there is still self-shaming going on by participants (my opinion based on what I observe), and there is too much lust-is-wrong-for-us thinking for my taste. Too much association with "poison" and "taking."

I would really prefer a more secular approach. I can't deny the spiritual in my life, but in American culture it's too much associated with I-am-a-bad-person-but-for-God-in-my-life.

Or maybe it's that I would prefer a non-Western, non-xtian approach. Something more celebratory of life and what it means to be alive and to have a body with functions and desires that is a perfect expression of the will of the universe. Wouldn't that be better?

Where can I find this?

Which reminds me, I still haven't called to get a new, new therapist. My insurance didn't want to cover the one that was recommended to me. Jerks! So I can only hope that someone at my regular clinic is available for that sort of thing. I don't know. Whatever.

My parents miss me (or something) and they're resorting to bribery to get me to visit them. I don't get it. I feel like for as nicely as they treat me, they simultaneously suck life out of me. I don't want to visit them. I just don't want to. But I simultaneously do not have the balls to say "No."

My dad is becoming more frail, and I think his mortality is starting to frighten him. He has become much more openly emotional, which is damned hard to take after growing up with a man who was so damned stern and strict. For as much as I wanted to feel he loved me unconditionally and for as much as I craved his acceptance, I am completely not prepared to face the power of his emotional need now. It's overwhelming.

Plus! Plus, I will have to do a dance around the 12-step subject. I will absilutely not talk about that with them, although my mother's reliance on me as a male friend early in my childhood has got to be a big part of what put me where I am now. My mother is SO fucking needy. She always tells me how crappy things are going in her life. She refuses to believe that diagnosable syndromes might be a big part of the crap she's been through in her life. She thinks she just needs to try harder or something.

Is it any wonder that with parents like this I am so emotionally fucked up?

Which reminds me. My mother has been feeding me negativity about my birth father and his family for years now. I have to find out what the rest of the story is. I haven't spoken to my biological father since I was like.... 3 or 4 or something. I wouldn't recognize him if I ran into him in a phone booth. So that's something else I want to do but haven't done yet.

I don't know what I meant to accomplish in writing this post, but if you got this far, thank you for caring.

I needed to get it out.