« I Give Up | Home Page | You Know My Addiction »
November 11, 2004
Brain Chemistry
I've felt a little odd for the last week or so.
First problem was letting myself run out of Depakote. I was without it for 5 days, I think. I had a lot of headaches from that. I met with my psychiatrist on Monday and he naturally prescribed more. So the levels are building up again in my blood. All of that is odd-feeling.
And secondly, I'm on a doubled dose of Effexor. That may be where the real kick in the head is coming from. It's just been wierd... I haven't felt strongly about anything.
But maybe... maybe that's good? I mean, I think the doctor figured I'm in rough water and would be in for more with the divorce. Anyway, it's only been a few days but I'm not sure that I like the way this feels. I will give it some time, though.
Because maybe it's really that I'm all wacked out because of the divorce. It's what I want, but frankly I have no plans for after, in terms of where I will live or what I will do differently. Which is not good. A man ought to have goals, right?
I'm sick and tired of feeling tepid on the inside. Tepid and timid. And tired of pain.
This divorce thing is a huge fucking head trip. My wife would like to remain friends afterword. Which is cool with me on some levels, but my heart sank when she suggested it. And it sank further when I said "OK."
...
I spent a long time at the bookstore this week working on moving books. The sections I was working in were "self-help" and "recovery." Let me state for the record that my employer incorrectly credits Hazelden as the author of the AA Big Book. Hazelden has done a lot of good work as an institution, and has even published a lot of its own material, but it did not come up with the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.
Anyway, the work sucked because the sections were so completely in disarray. Not only were there many books that should have been shelved in completely different parts of the store (lazy employees, lazy customers), but the alphabetization was completely awry. So not only was I shifting shelves of books, but then I was constantly reshifting as I discovered even more books that needed to be fit in where I had already worked. It took hours and hours.
Heh... well at least I didn't have to work with customers much.
The thing about working in a section like that is that there were many, many books that looked like they would have good things to say about the condition my condition is in. And I thought of all of the self-helkp books I have bought for the same reason. I read into them as far as it takes to get to the section where it requires real physical or emotional work and I think "Ok, that's what I'll do next." Then I close the book and promptly allow my mind wander to somethimg more immdiately gratifying. I usually buy something, eat something, or masturbate something. Often all of the above in that order.
I want to run, run away.
If I run to you, will you keep the problems at bay?
Shit.
Things are pretty fucked—in this head of mine, anyway.
I keep asking myself what I'm running from.
Today, for example, I have the day off but left the house like I went to work. I'm typing this in at the library.
And I'm not telling my wife I had the day off.
I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not supposed to want to be away, but I do. And it's not even that there's anything that so terrible for me to stay away from. Well, except for my addiction. When I 'm at home I want to be alone. And when I am alone at home I pursue one activity relentlessly.
I'm pretty sick of it, to be honest.
So, at least if I'm out and about I can pretend there are no demons to face.
But I did buy breakfast and lunch... so really I have escaped the one issue by indulging the other two.
Hmmm. I guess I lost on that one, too.
Somebody slap me and wake me up.
I need to get off this train.
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (November 11, 2004 3:21 PM) by thinking evil. [+]
3 Comments
« I Give Up | Main | You Know My Addiction »
Stop that train, I want to get off...The medication makes one feel vacant, thats what I experience and it is strange but I'm told to stick with it, I do as I'm told like a 'good girl' and I guess you do as you're told to like a 'good boy'. You're not alone, there are so many others like you. Don't beat yourself up.
Don't think there needs to be a goal. Goals are for cowards.
I never thought of it like that Pom and I never ever had any goals except to stay alive and well and was always told 'you must have goals' and made to feel like crap for not having any. It's a shame society makes us feel that in order to be a good human being we must have goals. I hope you are alright Soulless Silvertongue, you've a good heart and that counts for a lot x