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November 22, 2004
Change in the Weather
I acted out in a big way last night—as per my frequent Sunday routine—and I was awake until 0300. After having masturbated twice, I still found myself obsessively checking my blog and comments on it.
More than once I woke up at the keyboard asking myself what I was doing.
Part of it is ADD. Part of it is... I don't know.... Oppositional? Defiant? Contrarian? Like, I just refuse to go to bed. And then in the morning I call myself "stupid."
The change since the increased medication seems to be that I don't seem to wallow so much in shame and remorse. Lately I am able to see bad decisions for what they are: bad decisions.
That at least is a relief.
Maybe if I guilt myself less, there will be less incentive to spiral out of control? I'm hopeful. I know answers don't come from a pill, but I am grateful that the pills help.
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (November 22, 2004 9:59 AM) by thinking evil. [+]
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i hate the guilt. i'm glad you are not being so hard on yourself. you're alright you know x