Black As My Soul: I Fucking Did It!

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January 19, 2005

I Fucking Did It!

OK—I'm a little excited. I know maybe this doesn't seem like a major deal, but I finished moving out all of my shit today.

My ficus tree was the last thing to go. The base of the tree was on the floor in front of the passenger seat, and the rest of the tree stuck out the open door of my car.

I had my hazard lights flashing as I drove down the road. I leaned across the car holding my passenger door gently closed.

...

Jesus. What a fucking emotional roller-coaster this moving is. This divorce is.

I am ashamed at how child-like I've been behaving lo these many years. I am ashamed at how I have shrugged off responsibility and been irritable or rageful when I was asked to assume anything close to my share.

...

I am physically exhausted today. I worked all night two nights ago moving, and I slept until about 4:30 yesterday afternoon. Then I had a friend help me again last night for a while.

After he went home I hid from my emotions and surfed porn for... six hours or so.

I never thought I was going to get everything out of the house, but I did it. I just need to keep myself awake long enough to live through the closing today, and the work day. I think I have tonight off.

So my plan is to crash hard. Hopefully I will listen to my sensible side this time and give my body some physical and emotional rest.

I need to shut off and relax. I'm OK. I'm alive. And I'm OK.

[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (January 19, 2005 6:12 AM) by revealing evil. [+]