Black As My Soul: When I Don't Have to Hide Anymore

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January 13, 2005

When I Don't Have to Hide Anymore

I see the looming separation and divorce as being these pivital events in my life. I've been giving them meaning in my life that they don't intrinsically have.

Liberation.

Why am I waiting?

Fear is my worst enemy. Honestly.

But from the expectations of society, and from my-soon-to-be-ex wife, I think divorce was the right thing to do.

Got renters insurance for my new apartment. Need to show proof of insurance before I can sign the lease.

Had to find out how old the building was and how many units. I feel relief and empowerment having taken care of that.

Tonight I find out how much the pro-rated rent is for the month. I'm picking up my keys tomorrow. Saturday will be when I move the big pieces and the majority of my belongings.

I have hardly packed anything.

It's much more fun to chat online or surf porn or masturbate. So I have been doing more of that than packing my belongings.

So... in general I'm panicked.

But back to the freedom thing...

I think it's sad that I chose to see marriage as a form of repression. I think it's sad I spent so many years being angry at my wife when she really didn't do anything wrong. Sure—we both made mistakes, but it didn't have to turn out like this. She really is a good person.

I think it's sad I spent so many years seeing myself as a fat person and a lazy person and a broken person.

So... I've been looking at the move to the new apartment and the formal divorce as some sort of magical deliniation point. When something wondrous happens.

But the magic and wonder are in *me.*

I just have to let it go.

[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (January 13, 2005 11:09 AM) by thinking evil. [+]