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February 21, 2005

My Life Lately

Been a massive consumer of media.

I have an HD TV now and digital cable. I have been mindlessly surfing the channels over and over. On an HD TV, analog channels look awful. But I know better. It's artifacts from the conversion process. HD? Pretty much rocks. But bad pr0n on Cinemax is still bad pr0n. HD or not.

I also invested enough time to watch the complete extended Lord of the Rings trilogy on DVD. It was totally worth it. This is what the theatre movies should have been. Wonderful.

Did I tell you about the table and chairs I bought from IKEA? Very, very inexpensive, but it beats the card table and folding chairs that were my original dinette set. ;) My kitchen is unpacked an fully functional now.

I also bought a retro-looking torchiere. Retro like… late 19th century. Faux patina and all. I think I might be a neo-victorian or something… in taste. I used to be Modern Guy, even retro-futuristic, but not so much anymore.

Discovered a band called M83. They're sort of a cross between Sigur Ros and 70s album rock. I like them a lot. I don't know anything about them.

Liked Kaki King's second album enough to buy her first. A girl and her guitar. Not conventional stuff. That's good in my book.

Zero 7? Still the bomb.

I bought myself an iPod. It won't fit every MP3 I've ever ripped or otherwise aquired… but everything I could possibly want with me. I've only managed to fill 6 gigs this weekend. But I have only copied over a fraction of my stuff. This takes time. Remind me to stop watching cable and get my servers back online, will you?

Oh, in addition to my immense geekitude, I'm apparently a closet gearhead. I found the Speed channel on cable and it's now basically constant background noise in my apartment. Although NASCAR coverage this last week got OLD. Very old. Plus I've been watching shows like American Chopper and American Custom on Discovery. Or TLC. Or whatever. I forgot how much I used to love cars when I was a teen.

Porn surfing has… been greatly reduced. I still love orgasms and oogling porn, but I also am not too worried about it anymore.

I stopped therapy. I think it was useless. That guy anyway. I don't think he could have reached me if he tried. Plus, I think I'm done with the addict thing. I refuse to believe I am a victim of my behavior. I refuse to believe that I don't have a choice. And I refuse to participate in a group that crams religion down my throat.

I've spoken twice this past week to people who were in the group meetings I went to. One of them said "God won't let me stop thinking about you." All I know is I felt such immense guilt, as though somehow I was letting them down by not attending meetings anymore. I can't stand it. So I won't stand for it. I'm not going back to those meetings. I'm not. I can't be a victim, it's so self-perpetuating and joyless it's not even funny.

So I said it. I'm not an addict. And I'm siding with the couselor I had a year or two ago. He didn't believe in sex addiction. I just didn't have the experiences necessary to understand why he felt that way. I kinda have a mind to talk to him again.

I'm thinking about stopping the Strattera for ADD. First of all, I no longer live with the individual for whom my attention was such an issue. Secondly, I don't plan to ever have the work that requires me to alter my focus. Or lack thereof. Because I'm not linear. And I'm not going try to fit my round peg into a square hole.

That sounds sexual.

He said "peg."

I do plan to fit my peg into holes though. Be sure of that.

So yeah. And: I read a couple of extraordinary sentences on the back of books this week. Books about Zen. I'll paraphrase because my memory works that way: "This moment, everything is as it should be." And, "Everything is perfect."

God damn but that takes a hell of anxiety out of things looking at the world from that perspective. That feels way better than "I suck and I will fail."

I'm thinking of trying that on. Not being bhuddist, per se… but certainly changing who I am on that level. I mean… If I think that there's nothing about me that I need to change? Who knows. Maybe it's the bipolar talking. ;) But I'm feeling increasingly like I can let go of some crutches. Except not the mood stabilizer—that I think has had the most profound effect on me yet. Plus maybe I'm growing and learning. But I'll keep an eye on that.

Tigger at work is apparently very interested in some boy that works at the mall… or she's interested because he's interested. He sent her flowers. It was cute. Today she wore make up to work. I have never seen her made up. I mean mascara, but never foundation and lipstick.

I got to work with Mary Ann today. She wore her usual grey sweatshirt and jeans, however she was more than a little flirtatious. So, she was sexy. I haven't worked with Mary Ann for like a month and a half. She works more day hours now. And I work nights, so there you are.

Sophie has been off on vacation. I won't get to work with her until the coming weekend. I miss her a bit. She's been harried and ill. The time away I hope will do her some good. I'm looking forward to her being her goofy self again. At least that's what I'm hoping I'll see.

Wednesday's skin is pale as ever. She never wears make up, or ever uses any styling products. Long straight hair parted in the center. Wednesday, I'm telling you. Except she's not morbid enough. She revealed to me today that her mother told her to stay at her boyfriend's house last night. Because she was too drunk. Yeah… that's good. She's… unusual. Red flags all over the place on that one. She's studying how to make jewelry. I think she and her family are too conservative for it ever to be more than a phase, but if it's her thing I hope she does it.

There's a girl at work I've never written about yet. She's never made a huge impression on me yet. She does her work and leaves… we've not been any more than acquainted except that I've worked with her increasingly.

The other day she wore a top that revealed a little decolletage. I *did* notice that. HELLO! I found myself caught twice reminding myself to look at her eyes. And the worst thing is that there was behind her a most excellent pair of legs-in-heels walking behind her in one case. But I did control myself. I am a professional. Although… I really wanted to check out the legs. Damn it. I gotta let loose more often.

And… I think about you all the time.

I jot notes at work all the time of things I want to post here. I've got a back log.

They'll never all see the light of day, but it's comforting to know I have the basis for many a post to draw from.

Life is good. Be good to yourself.

[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (February 21, 2005 2:05 AM) by revealing evil. [+]

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