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March 13, 2005
Dreaming at Naptime
This afternoon I felt drowsy and so took the opportunity to sleep on my futon.
A dream I had somehow involved this blog. I was reading it in a public place. I don't know if it was a library or a grocery store… I suppose that was less the point than anxiety about being outed as the author of this blog.
For example, in order to write freely about my thoughts and experiences where I work, I refuse to reveal to anyone there that I write here.
Be that as it may, in the dream I was discovered by a reader. She was a woman older than me, maybe by as much as ten years. She brought up a number of things I've written about in the past. And she also told be about enjoying working together on the vampire story.
I've don't think I've ever written a story with another blogger before.
I have gamed and chatted and corresponded… but never co-authored. I've had offers. One attempt was aborted because I procrastinated so long my prospective partner was forced to assume I wasn't interested. I deeply regretted that.
Every time I have been encouraged to write or have been given the seed of a story I have become extremely anxious about failure, dropped the idea, and hated myself for it.
I have a deep, deep fear of failure. And I fear success nearly equally. I fear failure because I desire flawless perfection. I fear success because I doubt my ability to be consistent.
So I sit inactive. I distract myself with food or sex or shopping.
I give myself all sorts of creative projects to do—both things I would like to be able to say I've done and things I want to try because they sound fun—but the slate remains blank. I feel uninspired and anxious.
But in the dream I experienced a rare (in *my* dreams) moment of physical contact and emotional warmth. And the woman bent down behind me and hugged me around my arms and told me I was a very good writer.
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (March 13, 2005 11:39 PM) by revealing evil. [+]
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wow...interesting dream! and, she's right... :)
Very kind of you to say!
"I have a deep, deep fear of failure. And I fear success nearly equally. I fear failure because I desire flawless perfection. I fear success because I doubt my ability to be consistent.
So I sit inactive."
You just described me, too. I think fear is a true evil. It never really dies & once it has a grip on you, it is so hard to break free.