April 2005 Archives

It was a blurb in the cover of Femme Fatale magazine. There is some coverage of the Movie Sin City (which is quite entertaining, BTW), or uncoverage depending on your point of view.

Sin is in.

I thought to myself, "Mmmm… Yes it is!"

Boobyz!

Click the 'Watch' link on the right, then click the 'double size 2x' button.

Do it.

Neeraja lead me to Beer.com. We came up with several *orders* for the Virtual bartenders:

• wave
• kiss
• bend over
• sing
• rub bellies
• spank
• hot chicks
• blow
• dance
• strip
• flash
• beer
• beer me
• kiss me
• touch
• guy
• ass
• banana
• round
• jedi

I'll keep you posted if I find more.

Damned security guy!

Um, weird. I'm thinking about my kitchen knives. And sharpening them.

And cutting myself with them.

That's something that never even seemed remotely possible.

Except for that once when I wanted to put one through my temple.

But seriously weird shit is going on in my head.

What the fuck?

How you minister to me
Sing sweetly in my ear
Suckle me with sugar
That hollows me out from the inside

How you steal joy from me
While I taste bliss,
The blood I desire is my own

If I cut my tongue,
Would you kiss me deeply?
The crimson and rouge on your face
The essence of me?

You are merciless.
Would you now have me begging?
Would you put the sharpened knife in my hand?

Would you load the gun?

Would you sweetly say
"Yes, my love?"

No.

Please stop.

"Shake me with your love…!"

-Tift Merritt

I know I have a lot to learn. I'm not so much a fool to think I know it all, or even enough…

But I will not me manipulated by you. Pull at my animal lust, then mock me for it? For your gratification? You're now better than me because you've discovered that I lust for beauty? That I ache for connection in my soul?

Am am who I am, and beneath it all I am a human animal—apelike though it may be.

If you do not want what I have, that is your choice. But I do not give with expectations, nor would I accept anything returned. Use it for your benefit or discard it. It's your choice.

It has always been for you to choose.

What do you choose?

It's kinda goofy, but what the hell!

I *heart* I Heart Huckabees!

The 100

Finally.

Any questions?

Which is to say:

I invite your submissions!

I am very angry.

Tigger is very rude and disrespectful. She is a busybody. She is a know-it-all. She is 19 and she thinks she can be a smart-ass and that it's very funny.

Working with her is increasingly infuriating.

Her mind works a thousand miles a minute, which is fine, except she thinks all of it needs to come out.

I don't care.

I made the mistake of being nice to her out of professional courtesy. That was a trap.

If I tell her off, that will be unprofessional. Me being angry is my problem.

I gotta remember to talk to my boss. I am out of patience.

Well, I figured out that I hit bottom again.

The divorce, the move, the job loss, and continued issues with money have made me… not happy.

I recognize that should be in therapy for depression (which, by contrast to a previous post, actually has helped me to feel empowered), but what with the recent lack of real work I have no insurance coverage. Out of pocket for prescriptions is bad enough. Out of pocket for therapy? Holy shit!

So yeah, just trying to keep things on an even keel. I have quit caffeine again, and I'm considering foregoing refined sugars. Any of the stuff that would tend to make me have really bad mood swings or invite depression. Which reminds me: that sweet pint of Guinness I had last week? Yeah… insta-depression for this boy. No more of that either.

:: scowl ::

:: frown ::

Ugh. I'm fine unless anyone asks me if I would like some. I don't like to ever say no. And plus, I'm impulsive. A lot of the time I think "This one time won't hurt." That's a load of crap. If you ever hear yourself saying that shit, it should set off lights and sirens!

Anyway, I'm hoping to start posting more often again. When I get real quiet, when you don't hear from me, it's either anxiety or depression. Usually both.

I'm no longer referring to myself as a sex addict.

Sure—I'll buy that I used sexual behavior as a way to self medicate, and I'll even buy that I withdrew from my wife in ways destructive to my marriage.

But I refuse to believe that I should go around calling myself a victim and invoking the name of All-That-Is. If there is a divine plan for me, I doubt it involves me saying "I am out of control and powerless. Take this from me because I'm not strong enough to be responsible for it."

I did not feel empowered by attending 12-step meetings. I felt guilt and the desire to please both my sponsor and long-time members of the group. What I resented most was the extraordinary pressure I felt to be a Christian. They say you don't have to believe in a higher power, per se, just in the power of the group—but then the meetings I attended (for about 9 months) all ended with the Lord's Prayer.

I think what is healthy about the group is that I learned I was hardly alone and hardly unusual in the way my brain and my body react to lust. It was healthy talking about lust in ways that were largely non-judging. This was refreshing, since I had been so harshly judgemental toward myself.

In the end, though, I decided to leave the group. I made a sudden break with no explanation. I do not ever intend to return to 12-step therapy.

I have no clue what it means to surrender to God. In my view, any god or goddess worth worshiping doesn't want me flying the white flag. I believe life is about living and learning and not about repressing.

I know there are a thousand points of view, but I say again: I am not an addict.

So Tigger apparently spent Friday with a boy she digs. Went out after work with him and his friends. He got plastered. She drove him to his house. She walked him to his bed and spent the night in his bed although not in any sexual way. Apparently he was all snuggly and stuff which she thought was adorable.

This is a boy who is at the least going to an xtian college and very possibly also in the seminary.

Later that weekend, the same boy asked a different woman we work with out for a date.

Naturally, Tigger is crushed. She liked this boy loads and was just giddy when she was asked to hang out.

My thought is she was a booty call. Because to hear her side of the story, there was a wingman involved.

But, yeah… This is your future clergy, America.

I find myself today feeling increasingly desperate and inadequate. I'm tired of job hunting. I feel like I have excellent skills for the right position, but everything I see lately seem like it requires insane amounts of experience that I don't have, or else I'm horribly overqualified. I just want to work and have a paycheck.

It's killing me.

I'm also feeling desperately alone in a way that makes me want to be clingy and beg for reassurance.

I want a job and I want love and… and… I want to know everything's going to be OK.

RG wrote a clever limerick.

"While others pray at church -

"I bow my head and think about the TV programs I plan on watching."

-Postsecret, 2/13/2005

Does anyone know how I should tweak my various RSS templates so that feed readers get the current version of a post, even if they have previously downloaded that same post?

For example, if Boing Boing updates a post throughout the day with submissions from readers, my RSS reader gets every version of that post. How could I do something similar with movable type?

I welcome comments or email: sou11355 (i.e.:soulless). I use Gmail for email.

I just found this clever link to my site.

Yay, me!

Apparently the individual in question spent at least 5 minutes at my site, destroying me as many as 10 times—the last refresh used the Massive Destruction setting.

The hit was just after midnight, eastern time, on the 2nd of April—apparently originating from an ISP in Georgia, USA. At that point the answers to 13 questions would have been visible as my most recent post. I don't get it.

Not my problem, I suppose, if that person doesn't want to talk to me about it.

Why is my libido so blah?

Where the fuck did it go?

I miss it.

I'm trying to think of when it changed so dramatically. I suppose it could be a thousand things. A thousand things in my life have changed lately.

I refuse to believe that it's because I'm older. I feel like it went out like a lightbulb.

When I was on Wellbutrin, I was having a lot of difficulty with mood swings. But I also felt like lust was more more consistently present.

Ah. Here were are. That helps to explain some things! Well now! Perfect! (bitter sarcasm)

Further research indicates that while the Depakote I take might put my libido back in a more humanly normal range, Effexor actually takes things down a notch. But I'm not bitter. Also—I know I can't believe everything I read on the intarweb…

I hate to take more pills, but I don't want to give up the amount of 'normalcy' I've been able to achieve recently either. Damn!

I guess I do have some things to talk about the next time I see my doctor.

"Well, I'd like to be more pervy…"

Ain't life grand?

I think too much.

All the same,

You wouldn't believe how many words I deleted.

That's it.

You say you want to know what I'm thinking.

You lie.