May 2005 Archives

Which I feel is nothing but clear evidence that I suck.

What I was told is that the project I was assigned to was not funded and they did not have room for everyone.

You know what? There is every possibility that's what happened. I may never know.

But the voices in my head are shouting telling me that I wasn't good enough. That I should have done something about feeling so overwhelmed. That I should have been more perfect. That I should have somehow guessed whatever it was that would have kept me there.

But, I didn't like working there. Honestly. I didn't want to go there.

I'm just in shock and panic.

And depressed. Fuck.

My mom is sending me text messages telling me that if I move to New York, she has the perfect girl from me.

Yeah, that's *exactly* what I need.

Not that there's anything wrong with New York. Or with any of the women who live there.

It's just… "No, thanks, Mom."

Where I work, they play news channels all day long.

The audio is off, but they turn on the… um… subtitles. I forget what the hell they are called at the moment.

But during the day on CNN there is this blonde that reads the news and does it very expressively.

For some reason, possibly due to the camera angle they use, I find it very easy to imagine her on her knees. In front of me. With my cock in her mouth.

I've tried the same fantasy with other female anchors… but it's not the same.

Unfortunately today is Fox News. I think I have to wait until next week before I see her again. Oh well.

You understand, I forsook a marriage because I fell in love with an idea, a moment, an idol. I still have moments when I fear this ghost, but I know her name—and that gives me a little power back.

My body changes around me, but in my brain I know how I felt when I was 25, and when I was 17. And those times felt a lot like now. Time has given distance, but the past is as close as I want it to be.

I personally do not believe that the inner person must match what the outer calendar dictates—in either direction.

Be the beautiful person you are. The rest will take care of itself.

I've sung her hymn.
She in turn has lured me with her song.

I have felt it everywhere.

Neither laughter nor tears nor unsane behavior will make the song stop.

It is a constant ringing in my ears.
It is a constant vision of that grey, cloudless sky—neither light nor dark. The horizon unbroken. No wind. No sound.

Just me.

The terror of consciousness, perhaps.

It occurs to me tonight to try something sculptural.

I mean, it seems so obvious to do cheesecake art. I adore cheesecake, and I do think it can be artfully done. I will still probably make explorations along those lines.

Tonight I remembered an idea I've long had. A pitcher. Inspired by classically Greek lines, but different. The exterior would remain porous and unglazed—a terracota color. The interior would be glazed pink. The neck would be narrow, but the lip or spout would be elongated and gently tapered.

Yes, it would look like that—like the feminine.

I can also imagine your form, your pubis, your mons, your majora and minora—and trying to capture them. Having you spread your legs and labia before me while I layer something latex-like on you. Spreading it and pressing it. Covering you completely.

How it would kill me to wait.

But then to uncover you and see you and your opposite. How it might pull and tug as I peel it slowly away.

And then I would wash you gently and thoroughly.

And because I couldn't control myself, I would begin to lick and to suck.

I broke into a huge grin when I heard Devi sing.

She sings well!

Everyone ask her to sing more!

;)

It's a little odd to be completely lost in a fantasy about getting sucked off by a skilled lover… then making eye-contact with a customer—and without missing a beat saying "Hi! What can I help you find?"

Really, lusted…

Porn featuring women over the age of, say 25.

I'm so tired of sexually and emotionally under-developed youngsters. Plus, they make me feel old, which I find increasingly distasteful.

Forgive me if I just alienated anyone. I'm speaking in general terms which is always dangerous. There are exceptions to every rule.

But experience is very sexy—and a naked girl spreading her legs is not erotic in and of itself.

I'm picky, but life is too short.

Recently, while reading the dust jacket of a new book, I realized that I had been relying pretty heavily on my depressive tendencies and moodswings as fuel for my escapist erotic fantasies.

The book itself is about the current societal views about depression (dammit, I can't remember the title off-hand—help me out if you know this one). The author believes strongly that depression needs to regarded more seriously as an illness, and not just fuel for poets.

Reading this I connected the idea with a school of artists who claim that they are most creative when in an altered state of mind. Likening depression to an altered state, I realized that I had fallen into a similar mode of thought.

Writing this post, I also remember reading somewhere years ago a wise man (um, I can't remember who this man was, either) who said that highs exist in the brain. Drugs provide an excuse to notice them.

Add to this please the memory of my ex-wife's research on novel writing. Successful novelists said repeatedly that writing was work. You cannot afford to wait for inspiration. You sit and write, then you revise.

What does any of this mean?

For me it means that the drugs I take have significantly altered my brain chemistry. I could spend the rest of my life mourning the loss of the profound shifts in moods that I became used to, or I can use my creativity—which I suspect is undiminished and largely still untapped—regardless, and move forward with my life.

And finally, the idea has applications to much broader areas of my life. Not just self-expression. The idea that I need to wait for inspiration to do anything is proving to be irrational and irresponsible.

See? One day I will be an adult.

New Order keeps getting better at what it does. Both of the last two albums are very strong. I'm only four tracks into the most recent album released this week and I love it!

I just thought I would pass it along for those of you who might be in to that.

;)