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June 23, 2005

There's A Million Hearts

Beating in my room
I wish they would go away

Music makes me weep.

Fuck.

I went for a late-night walk tonight. Starting at 2 AM or so.

Looking north above the amber metal-halide/mercury vapor/flourescent/incandescent haze I could barely make out northern lights in the sky. A little bit of a green glow. When I was a child I'm sure I would have been able to see them plainly.

But what bothered me more was the lyric for William Shatner's song (poem, really—he doesn't sing it) That's Me Trying. There was a catch in my throat and there were tears in my eyes.

I was glad it was night.

Fuck.

I'm trying to give it up. Any idea that I fit into normal society. I'm going to try working overnight. I applied to a convenience-store chain locally. Because I don't want to care.

I want to pay off my mother fucking car and my stupid ass bills and I want people to leave me the fuck alone. Except for the cool people in my life. And you know who you are.

I don't want a career. I just want to be happy.

The only "normal" thing I want is a family.

But I can't even imagine how it's possible. I mean… I tried marriage and I'm not really convinced it's a good idea any more.

I see people driving motorhomes and pulling large travel trailers around here and I have to tell you I've got wanderlust like I've never had before.

Being a wage slave at a convenience store isn't going to cut it for long.

A respected friend has suggested the Peace Corps. I'm semi-into the idea right now but I don't know. Maybe I'll go to one of their sessions to find out what I might possibly do for them. But I hate the idea of leaving behindthe ones I love for a year.

While I crave solitude and independance… I'm terrified of the unknown.

And anyway I'm so confused I just burst into tears.

Forgive me.

At the moment I've had to tighten the proverbial financial belt pretty tightly and I'm weaning myself off meds that might otherwise have prevented that.

So you remember how up and down I used to be when I started writing this here blog on blogger? Things might be more like that for a while. I don't know. No therapy is an option for me at the moment other than getting shit out like this.

I was channel-surfing earlier tonight and caught part of a show about Jesse James and Kid Rock riding choppers through Mexico. It was actually thought-provoking in a few ways.

One was that the geography of Mexico is remarkably varied. Yes, I am an ignorant American.

The other was a moment when Jesse was talking about how certain experiences are increasingly impossible in the USA because of safety concerns. He was sitting on a large wobbly rock several hundred feet above the floor of a canyon. Kid was visibly scared shitless.

Jesse joked that in the US, there would be a plaque about how the founding fathers sat on the wobbly rock, but it would since have been fenced off by the safety police.

Have I mentioned I want a motorcycle? Doesn't need to be too fancy, just a v-twin cruiser is all. They're pretty inexpensive—if you buy a foreign make.

My iPod will not relent tonight. It's playing Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths. Easily one of the saddest songs ever, ever written.

Lastly, I aparently still carry a torch for Madonna. After the so-called Music album, I thought I was through with all of that, but she's featured in the June Ladies' Home Journal. I think they're moving to a new look and format. This has *not* translated to the web presence so I'm not bothering to link to it. But the article looks meaty and they spent money on photoshoots. I was impressed. I might read the article on one of my breaks—sadly she's back-pedaling on the sexuality thing.

People, we as humans need to stop trying to deny one of our iunherent reasons to be alive and one of the greatest possible joys we have. Repression is so mother-fucking stupid I cannot believe we keep trying to do it.

I'm going to load up on simple sugars and try not to cry for a while.

You know I love you.

[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (June 23, 2005 4:47 AM) by thinking evil. [+]

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