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July 17, 2005
Sometimes the Loneliness is Crushing
I live less than a mile from where I lived as a married man.
When I encourage myself enough, I get out of the apartment and walk. Managed to get that done tonight, which I feel good about.
So far I've always worn my iPod. Sometimes the music helps. Sometimes it's just there.
Tonight I cried. Certainly not the first time it has happened under similar circumstances, but still.
My old house.
The lilacs in front of it are finally getting big enough to form the screen they were supposed to. The trees I planted are much larger. And the lights in the yard the I dug in are still there and well kept.
And I saw descendants of the rabbit family I used to love to watch.
And I miss them.
So silly me. I cried. And I am again thinking about it.
I want to leave here. It hurts to stay.
A former co-worker is visiting from Virginia next week. She still works for the same company I was laid off from all those years ago.
I spoke to her briefly in chat a week ago. She as much as offered me a bedroom in her basement.
I have to say that's awfully tempting. We're going to try to get together this week.
Because here's the thing: Other than my rent and utilities, I don't have anything I owe on. I paid off my car last week.
I want a new computer, but I sure don't need one.
So I'm sorta thinking that I might just start moving around for a while.
I don't have to impress anyone and at this point in my life I feel like I have nothing to lose.
So I have always wanted to go to New Orleans. I have wanted to go to DC. And NYC. And SF.
I'm trying to figure out how to simplify, simplify, simplify.
I do keep a lot of elaborate electronics in this little nest. I guess don't need to much, really. Just the knowledge that I can back up all of my music and email safely. And ideally a way to back up my blog should the worst happen and I wouldn't be able to finance it for a stretch of time.
There's going to have to be some forethought involved, but I feel like some big change is due.
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (July 17, 2005 10:53 PM) by revealing evil. [+]
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Sometimes the tears have to come and when you're done with them you'll be able to find that thing you want to do and do it. Be nice to yourself sweetheart.
Thank you. Especially for reminding me to be kind to myself. I'm usually not.
Change is always a good thing, especially when you can leave hurt behind. The worst thing you could is become stagnate ~ I've always been the type to do first, ask forgiveness later. *hugs*
Thank you!