June 2006 Archives

I hope you had a lovely Solstice.

Were you able to participate in any rites? Or at least partake in some of the ancient traditions?

I ate a Flower…

And spread some seed…

It's easy work.

When I work the Information Desk, I look stuff up on computers for customers. Is it in the store? Does another store have it? Can we order it? How soon can we get it?

And I love the wierd questions. When I find out we have some obtuse category of books I didn't know about before. Or when I suddenly become aware of a new author or a new line of thought. Being able to do personal research in the store while getting paid is the shit.

Working the café side is real easy, too. Once you've learned the recipe for the basic coffee drinks or freezes, the rest is just mix and match. There is no real food prep other than the occasional reheating. The hardest part is all the cleaning that has to be done at night. But as long as you stay on top of it, it's no big deal either. There aren't any real surprises and speculating on what kinds of customers will or won't tip is a source of personal amusement with every transaction.

And I love my coworkers. Love them. They all act happy to see me when I walk in. Everyone seems to like some face time with me to chat. That's cool as hell.

But the hourly rate is about one third of what I'm making during the day while contracting. The contract I'm on may last until the end of August. There's talk of extending it past that. There's also talk of a different employer with a better chance at permanent work. Either way, my income is about as secure as it's going to be for the forseeable future.

Given the now 60-mile roundtrip to the bookstore and back, given that it takes about an hour to pay for the gas it takes to drive there, given the hourly wage is so ridiculously low, I think it's just time. I've been prolonging this for long enough, I think.

Can you tell I'm trying to work up the courage to quit? Isn't that funny? It wouldn't matter if I didn't like the people there, but I do.

But this is for me.

I don't like it at all.

No, sir! I don't like it!

That's it. The book store has got to go.

I turned off trackbacks.

It's a cool idea, sending a site a ping when you're referring to a specific journal entry. But In the duration of this blog being run on the current software, it has been used all of 4 times legitimately. While daily i've been deleting 50 to 200 spam trackbacks.

It wasn't working for what it was intended for.

I'll just rely on my stats to show me where hits are coming from instead.

On the hill behind the house, under the trees.

We lay on the hammock, holding each other sweetly.

The air was wonderfully warm and comfortable. The breeze was gentle.

I told her I wanted a family, and I asked her if she would be willing to have children with a man like me.

She said "Yes."

I don't know where it came from, but sitting at my desk at work I started hearing the refrain in my head, over and over.

"Shout it! Shout it! Shout it out loud…!"

Later? My brain treated me to endless reruns of Yakety Sax… :P

Just between you and me:

I always try to reply to all comments in comments. I think it's more fun for readers to see the evolution of the conversation. After all, if the post was public, there's no reason my replies can't be.

However, sometimes a reader just wants to have a private conversation, and that's cool. I will leave this post for those circumstances. There will be a "Contact Me" link on the front page at the top under "About Sinner." If you comment on this post, I will know you want to get in touch with me. I will only reply to this post in email.

Some notes before you write:

1. I am not poly, nor do I swing. I am in an exclusive, monogamous relationship.


2. I am not an online dom. I only play with Flower.


3. I do not buy, sell or otherwise trade links. This blog is purely personal. I link to sites that I like. I may like yours. By all means, introduce yourself.


4. I do not wish to be addressed formally as a Dom, but I respect that you may be bound by protocol.

Email
My email address is sinner. You can send email to me at this domain.

Instant Messaging
My alias on Yahoo is without.repenting, on AIM it's withoutrepenting.

Twitter
I'm unrepentant.

See Also
I have current accounts on Fetlife and MyDungeonSpace. Just look up Sinner.

Or, Leave A Message Below

~Sinner

Sometimes I'm a little emotional… When I listened to my iPod on the way to work this morning, Firewater by BT caused some tears to well up. There aren't any lyrics per se, I just got caught up in it. Low, low bass line, emphatic drum track, a little trippy synth, lush production, and soaring vocals.

Music is so beautiful!

I… Well… You're not the first to suggest a harem…

Sometimes I don't understand me. Which is to say I imagine myself to not be like other males.

I'm not speedy when it comes to sex.

Some of that seems to be just getting into a headspace where I can relax and be in the moment.

And sometimes, that doesn't seem to happen. Or I just get frustrated and angry before it does. That's sexy.

Occasionally I wish I could turn my thoughts off, to turn off that conscious core that keeps chattering away when I would rather be fucking.

I figure you assume I've gone off the deep end, which is why no one is commenting or reading in the past few days.

I know. You just come here for my dirty mind.

I bought the documentary Inside Deep Throat some time ago, but only watched it last night for the first time.

The reason I bought it? I'm pervy. I tend to like media with prurient overtones. I still have never seen Deep Throat. I intend to. I would like to buy it one day. That and The Devil in Miss jones, and maybe Behind the Green Door. None of which I have seen, but seem to be prime examples of shot-on-film pornography. Maybe they're not excellent, but they seem to have staying power in our cultural memory.

Anymore, Deep Throat shows nothing that a person with an internet connection and some curiosity hasn't seen. Linda Lovelace did have a talent for taking an entire cock, clearly. The documentary actually did show this once. It's important to the movie and to the subsequent reaction of American culture.

I've taken a lot for granted about sexuality and my ability to practice it more or less as I see fit. But apparently, even in the short span of my lifetime, things used to be a lot worse. The documentary suggests that one subtext of the movie was that it encouraged women to have "clitoral" orgasms, or worse, seek enjoyment from sex. I… I just didn't realize how patriarchal western culture still is. And how much worse it has been. God, how repressed we are!

Speaking of repressed feminine sexuality, I've consumed some other media recently with some related themes. When travelling a few weeks ago, I read The Davinci Code in a single sitting. As a long-time fan of conspiracy theory I was already very familiar with a lot of the ideas presented in the book. None of it shocked me. The story was fun to read although I did anticipate some of the plot twists and later revelations. What I liked was the synthesis of all of the themes and reminders of the many reasons I dislike Christianity. I also appreciated the theme of the sacred feminine.

What I took away from the book was the thought that a woman giving birth is so clearly and obviously miraculous, it's no wonder the feminine was considered sacred. What a simple leap of thought to realize that if a woman is divine, and I am born of a woman… Or if with sexual union I create a life with a woman… Well then, I must be divine, too. What do I need the church for?

So I'll be frank. Increasingly I see religion itself as evil.

The next piece of media I saw was Chronicles of Narnia. While the experience was tempered with a horrible projection system on an aircraft and audio through even crappier headphones… I would say that you can take a pass on the movie. The high point, for me, was Tilda Swinton's portrayal of the Snow Queen. Given the author C. S. Lewis' volume of Christian theoligical writing, I saw the story as yet another allegory of the suppression of the feminine. I know, it's not as simple as that. But I found myself rooting for the queen and being irritated by Aslan's messianic return to life. I had purchased a paperback volume of the series because I wanted to reread it… but now I'm not interested.

A few years ago, I met a pagan woman who is an actively practicing Wiccan. She educated me about her preferred way to practice, with a group that was equally masculine and feminine, with knowledge passing from man to woman or woman to man. She educated me about the athame and the chalice. And she talked with me a little about ritual and ceremony where celebrants were sexual. I'll admit that I was taken aback as much as I was fascinated. I didn't know it was still done. It is. I also really didn't understand the long, long lineage of the practices.

I feel like I understand a lot more of the world I live in now—Why things are done the way they are done. And I don't like it. I feel like I've been robbed because so much about sexuality is villified and demonized. I think it comes down to the fact that I live in a Christian nation and Christian morality has been codified into law.

While I am grateful that movies like Deep Throat gave rise to the porn industry of which I am so fond, watching the documentary about the phenomenons surrounding the movie's release just made me angry. There were a lot of people hopeful that X-Rated films would lead to Hollywood films being more openly sexual. Naturally these hopes were crushed, and they have been again since then with the newer NC-17 rating.

It seems like something more, somehow needs to be done to crack open and cast off these ridiculous fears of sexuality.

Would you agree?

I wanna be a culture jammer.

The song of the moment is "Pharaohs," by Tears for Fears. It's a slowed down, deconstructed version of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." Maybe less of a song than a track… It's an uncharacteristically ambient or chilled sound for them. It was originally released around 1984, but the gentle melancholy/gentle lilt fits my mood of late.

I had a copy on vinyl, then later it was released on CD on a compilation that is wonderfully titled "Saturnine Martial & Lunatic." If you were ever a huge fan of them, I would recommend this collection of material that wasn't released on any previous album.

I'm 37. I know the 80s were a long time ago… But in my head I still feel like I'm 17.

Today is a gorgeous, sunny day here in Minnesota. Not a cloud in the sky and temperatures so far are only in the mid 70s.

Even with the radiant sun streaming down on me, I have to fight depression. Some days it just nags at me, pulling me down and disturbing my equilibrium.

Nervousness, anxiety and fear are frequent and unwanted companions. I don't want them today. They are needy and I don't feel strong.

I'm really trying hard to be aware of it and not in it—to feel it but not succumb.

There is so much beauty in the world and I have so much to be thankful for!

Some days it's so hard to hang on.

I'm hoping that acknowledging the hurt will lessen its grip on me.

Today I hurt. I'm not sure why, but I do.

Admission: I toured a castle a week ago. Later in its life it was a prison, among other things.

One set of room was specifically a women's prison.

The quarters were tiny and cramped. There were still sketches on the wall from the prisoners.

Part of the informational display included the photographic work of a female artist. She had composed many images of women in period dress, representing the former prisoners. There were depictions of women bound, whipped, in stocks, being forced to kneel for long periods…

I know that as an enlightened male, I was supposed to feel pathos and empathize with the plight of women throughout recorded history.

But I was aroused.

An elderly woman and her friend where I work have formed this opinion of me.

She's sent me some email as the result of my working out a tech support issue with her. I thought about quoting her directly… But it's too crazy how she's been gushing.

It's cute yet embarrassing.

I should note that my hair has been getting longer. Been pulling it into a pony-tail (with the help of a bit of gel and hairspray).

I also have been wearing a goatee.

With that and my propensity to wear black… well, there you go.