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October 31, 2006

Struggling to Write the Right Thing

I'm nothing if not prone to over-analysis.

This site has never been purely a sex blog, although I eagerly explore and dwell on (and in) sex and sexuality. I get lots and lots of hits from Eros, for which I am very grateful, but I the logs show consistent clicks in and what I imagine are quick clicks out because penises and vaginas comingling are not the only topic I write on. Take this post. (Please.)

And I think to the chagrin of some, this has never been purely a BDSM blog, either. Again, I have eagerly explored some topics relating to dicovery and practice. Further, I have employed blatant and obvious design elements which tend to lead the casual observer in that direction. Others might say I was latent and oblivious. I don't know any more and I find myself not caring so much, anyway.

What I want to do is to promote your rights an an individual to practice your own version of sexuality (an it harm none) free from intervention from government and from society. That's pretty pie-in-the-sky, but that would be an ideal end to aim for. I guess it comes down to who gets to define harm, but that's a discussion for a different day.

Other goals I have are to sexually arouse you and to keep you spell-bound. Some days I think I have that one nailed. Other days, like today, I feel clueless and fear a complete and permanent loss of creativity.

Consistent threads I have seen in my writing are persistent efforts at psychological self-diagnosis and variations on the theme of "Gosh, I'm horny." This blog has been my deepest secret, it has been my absolute confidant and it is a pure expression of need.

What I wanted to know by expressing my thoughts here is that really, truly, I was not insane. More than that, I wanted to know I was not alone. Reading my past entries has shown me that I have indeed been more than a little crazy in spells. But mostly it has been my own insistence that there was something amiss. My relentless harping on ADD and depression and then my ultimate (though thankfully temporary) foray into the world of the Twelve Steps.

Finally,the thing that was the secret, my obsession with a female coworker, is now moot. I have since divorced the woman I fell out of love with. I no longer work with or know the whereabouts of the obsessee. And I am in exactly the type of relationship I wrote about and that I dreamed of three years ago.

That means a lot of the anger and self-hatred has dissipated. My outlook has changed. So I warn you that the topics and subject matter won't always be what they were. I honestly don't know where it's headed. I would like to think that my writing will be less about hating myself and more about being deliciously evil.

For what it's worth, I do plan to keep writing—this is no swan-song or fare-well. This is an acknowledgement of transition and a mourning of the passing of what has been.

Thanks for reading all this time.

[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (October 31, 2006 5:17 PM) by creating evil. [+]

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