March 2007 Archives

She kept trying to tickle me and leave handprints on my skin.

I had no choice.

We wax and wane

-Cocteau Twins

Your favorite music never leaves you.

To paraphrase an article that appeared in The Telegraph, a British paper, some "gifted" teens find listening to Heavy Metal music to be comforting.

Hallelujah and amen, Brother!

Just this morning on the long walk into work from parking I was listening to Metallica singing "Don't Tread on Me." Metal isn't any more my preference, not since Industrial and Techno (*so* 1990s), but I spent a lot of time in my youth listening to Dokken, Krokus, Ratt, and Motley Crüe. I never lived anything close to a Heavy Metal lifestyle, being a good little boy going to church and being obsequious to my elders as I was habitually. But the noisy stuff took me to a place I liked to be. And it works for me still.

The thesis of the article is that bright kids are drawn to it, that not all geeks like chess, D&D and classical music. And that Metal, in and of itself, is not an indicator of delinquency. Duh.

Around the time I was in sixth grade, I had been given a number of intelligence tests because of some high scores on standardized tests. I was placed in some programs for gifted kids, taking me out of my regular classroom.

I think that the folks running these programs meant well. Really. Attempting to offer me more challenge for my apparently very-healthy brain. But I think there is a problem with these programs. I think I should have been given the opportunity to prove to myself that I was gifted first. Frankly, I never "felt" gifted. I should have earned and asked for the privilege instead of being labeled and slapped in a program.

Why?

Because I feel like I never lived up to whatever Nobel Peace Prize potential I was supposed to have. Between that and my ADD symptoms manifesting themselves, my academic performance was never really as good after that. I was already "smart," so why should I try? I got passing grades without much study and that was good enough. More time for reading science fiction and listening to music. Anyway, for a while I was golden. I learned way too late that my brain, like anything else, needs a workout. And practice.

One of my brothers had an opposite issue. He was dyslexic so he got stuck with other "slow-learners" and got a different label. Meanwhile, he has shown himself to be a smart, patient man with amazing artistic and mechanical ability. He had something to prove.

Both of us were given labels. Didn't mine seem like the better one to have? Do my insecurities seem trivial? Whatever. I have my cross. You have yours. I'm not trying to be a victim here, but I am recognizing cause-and-effect in my life. I need this so I can move past it, you know?

I have a lot of thoughts about what I will do differently when I have my own children. At least one of them is that I'm going to try damned hard not to use words like "potential." Either it's a false limit or it's something you feel you'll never achieve. Either way, I think it's harmful.

I have contempt for a lot of labels. Sometimes I'm just contrarian.

But I love music. And I don't care what it means.

Following threads on my RSS reader lead me back to a manifesto written by a fellow named Hugh Macleod, to whom I have linked for many years. His shtick is "cartoons drawn on the back of business cards." And his site is gapingvoid.

The manifesto is called "How to Be Creative."

You could dismiss it as yet-another-creative-drones-on-about-how-it-should-be. You could. But if you feel something, and you're pretty sure you know what it is, then his thoughts are both validating and a kick in the ass.

Funny how it was just the thing I needed.

I love you, Flower!

Words are so frustrating at times.

I always worry that I said too much, or used words which I will later discover lead to a conclusion different than I intended.

I never mean harm or offense.

When I discovered RSS feeds, my web experience completely changed.

What a brilliant piece of software, this tool that checks your favorite blogs for you. Tells you every time there's a new blog post. No more fussing with third-party tools that might or might not correctly show updated web sites.

Everything downloaded to one spot. Legible text. No hideous color schemes.

But I subscribe to… hundreds of feeds.

When I get through them all I feel spent and I feel like I have absorbed nothing because there is so much new to see. Longer posts get skimmed because there are two hundred more in the queue.

And yet I find myself checking again and again for new posts. More.

I think that has a lot to do with me not posting much of late. Too busy clicking the next unread article.

Must moderate behavior.

I've seen a lot of women trudging through the Minnesota winter in really amazing shoes that were not designed for the kind of weather we have this time of year.

God Bless 'em.

But I don't.

OK? I did ante up and get a subscription, which is cheap. But I don't think I'll renew.

Frankly, the pictures as a rule aren't really erotic or sexual to me. Lots of pictures of naked girls, true. But not much that really does much to me or for me. Just because a girl is naked in a photograph doesn't make it automatically worth publishing. And there is not nearly enough pussy.

I could care less about tats or no, hair dye or no, piercings or no. I don't care what you're wearing or not wearing. Just be coy or flirtatious. Act like you want me. Pay attention to what is sexy around you and why it's sexy.

And would it kill you to have girls who are older than 19?

Anyway, there are some notable exceptions but as a rule I'm losing interest.

Four years and two moves later, I finished categorizing every post.

I just spent the last four hours categorizing stuff from July of 2003.

Wow, man. Holy fuck was I nuts.

I still think I'm crazy, just not so on-the-edge or over-the-top as then.

I found myself wondering if it was the meds. But, no. I remember. It was a whole confluence of things.

I never want to go back there. There is stuff I want to revisit and resolve, but that whole situation was something I hope I never experience again. I was in constant emotional pain.

It's so not like that anymore.

Thank you all.

Thank you, Flower.