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June 29, 2007
Updated: New Links
I have linked to some new (to me) male bloggers. I had a few in the past, but new to the roster are Pain Healer and Sadistic Excess.
I grouped the men into a new category called "Conspiring." So I am "Lusting" for the girls and "Conspiring" with the boys. The "Loving" category is for female bloggers who don't write about sex as a focus, but who are thoughtful, witty, and therefore sexy.
I added other categories, too. I broke out sexuality and BDSM advocacy groups into a category called "Strengthening," and added a "Deepening" category for sites that are more informational and instructional, again with regard to sexuality and the BDSM lifestyle.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:21 PM :: Submit. [+]
"I Just Dropped In…"
"To see what condition my condition was in."
Can you believe that is a Kenny Rogers song?
It's been on my mind a bunch. I keep catching reruns of The Big Lebowski on cable.
It may be my favorite movie, evar.
My favorite edited (TV Friendly) line?
"This is what happens when you find a neighbor in the alps!"
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:11 AM :: Submit. [+]
June 27, 2007
Admission. And a Question.
I have tried to read blogs written by dominant men. For the most part, I can't do it.
I read a few sentences and stop. There isn't room for me. I don't feel like I'm being addressed as an equal or a peer. Or it seems boastful, like reading Penthouse Letters or something.
Or maybe I have a bad attitude. I do tend to seek the feminine in all things.
So I ask you: Who is worth reading? And why?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:38 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
June 25, 2007
The Artist
I've said it before, most of the time I feel more autistic than artistic.
Lately, one of the reasons I haven't written much, of anything, is because I imagine myself to have some sort of potential which of course I also imagine that I do not live up to.
I don't know.
I believe that art is what you do when you intend to make art. Whatever that may be. However that idea expresses itself through you. In doing so, you are an artist. You are the only one who can do it that way.
I guess it's not so much a "becoming" as a "doing."
I fear failure and the process and making ugliness and, you know, being laughed at and shit.
On the other hand, if I mope and believe I'm a mediocrity and do nothing, then I was right: I am a mediocrity and a do-nothing. At least I have that.
So, speaking of fear and anxiety. I was reading last night about angst. Or rather, The Angst. Existential and everything.
One sentence in one of the pages I scanned in the light-hearted way I tend to pursue new information and enlightenment stuck out at me. Basically it said that acceptance of fear and anxiety is a step on the way to gaining pleasure and enjoyment from life.
I have been fighting fear and anxiety a long, long time. I'm so tired of being afraid. I just don't have any words for how afraid I am of really feeling fear. Sometimes getting myself to work in the morning is all I can do. I've been white-knuckling my way through life forever. As long as I can remember. I'm afraid of failure, doom, conflict, expectations, destitution. I'm all tied up in knots all of the time.
So I have to feel the fear, right? That's the way through?
If you promise you'll be there on the other side, then I think I can do it.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:09 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
In The Future
I predict:
In the future, you will have a jet pack that will take you anywhere you want to go cheaply and quickly. But you will be upset when you find out how bad this form of travel messes up your hair.
I predict:
You will gain notoriety in your chosen form of expression. This will not be instant, but it will still surprise you.
I predict:
You will regret not doing some things you have always wanted to do.
I predict:
You will become comfortable in your own skin. You will know that you made decisions and acted when you were ready, and not a moment before.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 7:03 PM :: Submit. [+]
June 20, 2007
What Changed?
I miss writing to you, and you, and you, and to some others who I am not even sure read me or blog at all anymore.
I miss that.
I miss the sense that I was sure you knew I meant you when I wrote to you and for you.
I fear that the sexiness and allure of my writing has vanished.
Here's what's different in my life:
- I'm not on any meds. Nothing at all. Nothing to alter me to be anything other than the bent and pervy person I was born to be. I'm not against meds, but I don't miss the hassle of appointments and prescriptions. I also do not miss the experimentation with drugs and dosages. I also do not miss side-effects. At all.
- I'm not pining away for some woman I can't have. Sure, she enters into my thoughts on occasion, years later, but mostly I shrug those thoughts off. I was never in love with a woman as much as I was infatuated with some idea of who she might have been. This was an ideal against which the thoughts of who my ex-wife might have been were compared again and again.
My life was full of self-created illusions. Before, I thought I had to be someone that I was not, acting according to the rules of this other mythical me. Whether or not people believed that image is irrelevant. I tried to protect that image at all costs.
- Two-and-a-half years after I received my divorce decree, I still sometimes dwell on the "failed marriage" thing. I have no desire to go back, but I still relentlessly deconstruct what happened and my part in it. I had emotionally divorced myself from the marriage long before anything official was decreed. The old posts show that clearly.
This blog was built in protest of the politically-correct, pussy-whipped shell of a man I had become. I felt that I was a shell. Not whole. The man I am now, by contrast, has his roots in what I started here. This blog is important to me in ways I really am not sure how to verbalize.
- My partner knows this. All of it. We met here, in this place that isn't a place. We built up ideas about the other, met in person, and started again with the beauty of the reality.
She knows everything. She has seen everything I have written and hasn't blinked yet. I treasure this.
Yep, we have secrets in common that we don't feel like sharing with everyone we know—this "sex" blog among so many other things.
So, the biggest change? This deep, dark, secret blog isn't such a dark secret, nor my thoughts so forbidden. Actions I craved to take for so long have met their willing recipient.
I didn't try for this, or set out for this, or consciously intend this. The universe works in mysterious ways, and I am grateful.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:01 AM :: 4 Submissives [+]
June 16, 2007
A Few Words Aren't Going to Change the World
I've seen and heard a lot of people writing recently about abuse, attacks, addiction and victimization.
I have, too. Plenty.
Everyone processes grief uniquely. There are probably some normal stages that many people go through, but you are who you are and you know (or you will know) when you are ready to move on.
With regard to abuse and victimization, for most of you reading this, it's in the past. Whatever happened to you was unfair. Whatever happened to you was brutal and inhuman. But, whatever happened to you is in the past.
Whatever happened to you is in the past.
What you do about it today is not the fault of whoever wronged you.
Whatever you do today is the result of decisions you make.
Learn from your life.
Protect yourself appropriately.
The past only has control of the future in one circumstance: when you let it.
Were you are victim? Were you abused? Recognizing it is one thing.
Is there anything you can do about it now? Seriously.
Do anything you can, but as for the rest, let it go.
The actions of others are the responsibility of others. They speak volumes about the others. They do not define you. They are not you.
Be who you are.
Be open to the opportunities in front of you.
Be kind to yourself.
Breathe.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:24 PM :: 5 Submissives [+]
June 12, 2007
Blunk Drogging
I've had two large margaritas tonight. What surprised me is how hard they hit me.
I haven't been this drunk since I don't know when. And yes, I know, I'm a lightweight.
Be that as it may, my drunkeness is my excuse for not coming up with something more thoughtful in response to the links I'm going to drop on you.
The first is an article on the potential effects of semen or no semen on a woman's emotional state: Crying Over Spilled Semen. The stunner is, the results are repeatable. Is it wrong that I found the information from the Seed Magazine website?
The second article confirms what we who pratice BDSM already know, which is that pleasure and pain are related, although that's a subtext you have to infer from the information they present: The Coming Boom. (This doesn't seem to be the article I first found on the topic, but seems to contain similar information.)
And lastly, while I thought I was clever with the title for this post, I was clearly nowhere near the first to think of it.
I must go now. Flower has her hand on my cock.
All the blood has gone rushing to my brain.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:32 PM :: Submit. [+]
June 9, 2007
Freudian Slip in the Paper
Imagine my surprise reading the Pioneer Press, learning that the Autobahn in Germany is "no-holes-barred."
I guess they like the hardcore in Germany?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:26 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
June 8, 2007
Twice In Two Weeks, I Have Wanted to Delete This Site
But I didn't, and I don't expect I will.
You see, I get really wrapped up in what I imagine the expectations of others might be.
Then I compare myself to these imaginary expectations and I imagine that I am not measuring up, or that I can't be for you what you want me to be.
Today, I have absolved myself of this.
You will make of my words what you want, and that is as it should be.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:36 PM :: 10 Submissives [+]
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