« In The Future | Home Page | Admission. And a Question. »
June 25, 2007
The Artist
I've said it before, most of the time I feel more autistic than artistic.
Lately, one of the reasons I haven't written much, of anything, is because I imagine myself to have some sort of potential which of course I also imagine that I do not live up to.
I don't know.
I believe that art is what you do when you intend to make art. Whatever that may be. However that idea expresses itself through you. In doing so, you are an artist. You are the only one who can do it that way.
I guess it's not so much a "becoming" as a "doing."
I fear failure and the process and making ugliness and, you know, being laughed at and shit.
On the other hand, if I mope and believe I'm a mediocrity and do nothing, then I was right: I am a mediocrity and a do-nothing. At least I have that.
So, speaking of fear and anxiety. I was reading last night about angst. Or rather, The Angst. Existential and everything.
One sentence in one of the pages I scanned in the light-hearted way I tend to pursue new information and enlightenment stuck out at me. Basically it said that acceptance of fear and anxiety is a step on the way to gaining pleasure and enjoyment from life.
I have been fighting fear and anxiety a long, long time. I'm so tired of being afraid. I just don't have any words for how afraid I am of really feeling fear. Sometimes getting myself to work in the morning is all I can do. I've been white-knuckling my way through life forever. As long as I can remember. I'm afraid of failure, doom, conflict, expectations, destitution. I'm all tied up in knots all of the time.
So I have to feel the fear, right? That's the way through?
If you promise you'll be there on the other side, then I think I can do it.
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (June 25, 2007 9:09 PM) by revealing evil. [+]
4 Comments
Leave a comment
« In The Future | Main | Admission. And a Question. »
I find it strange that one is in fear of messing up their life when, in fact, their life is one of misery but it is all they have. They don't know any other way. I think the super rich and the super poor have it the best. Not a care in the world. They come and go as they please. Do as they please, when they please.
Sometimes, I want to quit everyone and everything, hop on a plane for some European country and make my way around the world waitressing. Wouldn't that be something... Seeing the world, meeting people from different lands, experiencing things that would never have happened to you otherwise.
Just a thought.
I think it's less viscerally feeling the fear - although that's part of it - and more of admitting that you feel the fear in the first place. It's being able to say "Yup, I'm scared that x, y, and possibly c will happen, but you know what? I'm doing it anyway."
Venus, you have given me ideas for several posts.
french, I agree with you. For me, feeling the fear is a big step. A scary one, if I may say so. Rather than pushing it down or masking it by acting out. But I do understand that the end result needs to be acting despite fear. And without letting the fear determine my actions.
Glad I could be of assistance.