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June 20, 2007
What Changed?
I miss writing to you, and you, and you, and to some others who I am not even sure read me or blog at all anymore.
I miss that.
I miss the sense that I was sure you knew I meant you when I wrote to you and for you.
I fear that the sexiness and allure of my writing has vanished.
Here's what's different in my life:
- I'm not on any meds. Nothing at all. Nothing to alter me to be anything other than the bent and pervy person I was born to be. I'm not against meds, but I don't miss the hassle of appointments and prescriptions. I also do not miss the experimentation with drugs and dosages. I also do not miss side-effects. At all.
- I'm not pining away for some woman I can't have. Sure, she enters into my thoughts on occasion, years later, but mostly I shrug those thoughts off. I was never in love with a woman as much as I was infatuated with some idea of who she might have been. This was an ideal against which the thoughts of who my ex-wife might have been were compared again and again.
My life was full of self-created illusions. Before, I thought I had to be someone that I was not, acting according to the rules of this other mythical me. Whether or not people believed that image is irrelevant. I tried to protect that image at all costs.
- Two-and-a-half years after I received my divorce decree, I still sometimes dwell on the "failed marriage" thing. I have no desire to go back, but I still relentlessly deconstruct what happened and my part in it. I had emotionally divorced myself from the marriage long before anything official was decreed. The old posts show that clearly.
This blog was built in protest of the politically-correct, pussy-whipped shell of a man I had become. I felt that I was a shell. Not whole. The man I am now, by contrast, has his roots in what I started here. This blog is important to me in ways I really am not sure how to verbalize.
- My partner knows this. All of it. We met here, in this place that isn't a place. We built up ideas about the other, met in person, and started again with the beauty of the reality.
She knows everything. She has seen everything I have written and hasn't blinked yet. I treasure this.
Yep, we have secrets in common that we don't feel like sharing with everyone we know—this "sex" blog among so many other things.
So, the biggest change? This deep, dark, secret blog isn't such a dark secret, nor my thoughts so forbidden. Actions I craved to take for so long have met their willing recipient.
I didn't try for this, or set out for this, or consciously intend this. The universe works in mysterious ways, and I am grateful.
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (June 20, 2007 12:01 AM) by revealing evil. [+]
4 Comments
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i can hardly begrudge you the cure for that itch and angst, now can i? instead, i wish you all the peace and pleasure you can hold
Thank you, from the bottom of my bent and pervy heart!
Speaking as someone whose marriage is failing after two years, I know exactly what you're going through. I'm glad to hear you're further along than I am and reading this last blog post from you helps me to remind myself that it's time to move on. Regrets about the fantasy of what could have been only causes unnecessary pain and does me no good.
Take care, man, and I love your blog!
L,
Be true to yourself.
Thanks for the kind words.