September 2007 Archives

Many of you got to know me as Soulless, and, for you, I may always be that. I can accept and understand that.

I chose the name 5 years ago because I was so very depressed and I felt so very wrong for falling in love with a woman who was not my wife, and for wanting so much more in my life than my (now ex-) wife would tolerate.

And so I felt intolerable and wrong and I blamed myself for everything.

Well I know better, now.

And I am a lot more accepting of my own desires and the things I want in my life. This name-change is an external acknowledgment of internal changes you've seen here over time.

I live with an amazing woman who loves porn as much as I do, who knows more about BDSM than I do, and who sees me as a man she would like to have a family with.

So I don't have to be apologetic: "Well, I don't have a soul, so that's why I am how I am..."

In the eyes of many of my contemporaries in American culture, I am a sinner. However, I do not feel spiritually bereft, I do not feel the need to go to a confessional, nor do I feel the need to apologize.

When I found the definition of the word sinner that I mentioned earlier, it finally clinched for me a new label I felt good about applying to myself.

And so it is. I have changed my name here to Sinner.

Over time, I will be modifying or dropping other old accounts to reflect this.

Please stay in touch.

Holy crap! I've been blogging most nights for the last five years!

Yeah, when this gets in your blood, it really gets in your blood!

Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, has written a great deal in The Dilbert Blog about his intense belief that humans are but moist robots. We do what we do out of biological imperatives and social conditioning. He is not the only human who believes this, but his writing is very amusing and I prefer to read his take on it than a perspective that was purely scientific. He certainly writes on a myriad of other topics, but today the moist robot thing is on my mind.

What I have noticed a great deal lately, and especially in the time since my divorce, is that I have yet to change they way I react to emotional situations. I shame myself as I might have when I was married because I assume everyone will react to my imagined transgressions the same way my ex-wife might have.

I'm not trying to say that I was healthy and reacting in a healthy fashion in the past.

What I'm saying is that those reactions, the self-degradation and shame I bathed in, are all right there. The triggers are different and fewer, but those programs are still resident in memory. I can't delete them. If I can take the analogy further, I need the root password so I can sudo in and kill the processes and the delete executables.

It's one thing to understand that I can change. It's quite another to actually do it. Or, back to my analogy, I don't have a program that does that.

So how does one learn to do things in a new way? How do I act in a way I have never acted before?

Sorry about all of the cranky posts of late.

I don't deal well with stress. If it's other people's stress, no problem. I'm placid, enthusiastic and all business.

If it's my stress? Yeah. Right off the handle I go.

I want to be like the guy in Office Space.

I aspire to do nothing.

Ugh.

Working two jobs sucks and blows!

Researching possibilities for a pen name, I came upon the following:

sinner

noun
a person who sins (without repenting)

And that was all I needed to see.

Sinner?

At your cervix service.

I spent the week dreading this weekend. I was thinking I was working both Saturday and Sunday.

So, this morning, I dutifully hauled my sleepy ass out of bed and got myself to my second place of work, albeit just a little late. Or so I thought.

I discovered, to my increasing personal dismay, that I was not only not scheduled for work, but apparently I also had advance warning of this. A quick check with the calendar on the Treo I carry with me showed exactly the same thing posted on the work calendar.

So I went home, made a delicious breakfast and took a luxurious nap.

Thank the Gods!

I think I've figured it out with regard to photographic images that depict female nudity.

If it's art, the woman's gaze must be averted, or her eyes or gaze must be concealed or cropped out of the image.

In porn, the woman is showing emotional involvement. Pleasure, revulsion, anger, whatever it is that someone might get off on. As often as not, her eyes look into the camera lens.

Generalizations, I know--I'm certain there may be notable exceptions, but does this jibe with your experience?

Since I switched the comment system, I have had no spam, which was the goal.

However, I haven't gotten any real comments, either.

Now I'm worried.

*****

Update:

I received email this afternoon from lovely people who tried valiantly to comment, only to be thwarted by the CAPTCHA text. And this was because there was no graphic text to enter into the correct dialog, and therefore no way to authenticate.

I am nothing if not frustrated and defeated. I don't know what the change was between when the CAPTCHA text worked and when it didn't. I wouldn't have turned it on for the site if it didn't work in my tests, but today it didn't work for me, either.

So it is now off.

The plug-in I was using before the upgrade is no longer working, the tools built-in to the blogging software are not working, and I am throwing my hands up in disgust.

I don't want to have to turn on moderation again, but it looks like that's the only way I will be able to keep the bad guys from abusing you and me both.

In the mean time, I'm republishing my site with the CAPTCHA off. We will see how it goes.

Yours In Frustration,

~Soulless

With two different key fobs, two drivers can thus have the car remember where the mirrors should be and where the seat should be.

There is also a third position. The seat moves all the way down to the floor and all the way back.

On the panel, this is marked "EXIT."

Flower lovingly calls it "The Blowjob Position."

Sometimes when we ride together, after we pull into the drive and turn off the car. I tap the button and take the ride down and back. Then I look at Flower with a twinkle in my eye as though to say, "Here it is!"

It's a lot more work than I thought to keep a site running on my own.

With a little more freedom is a lot more work and responsibility.

Some of the gravity of that has really hit me hard since I tried and failed and rolled back and fixed the various pieces of this site as I've tried to upgrade.

Now that I've said it, I won't dwell. But I had to get it out.

Comments are working now, so far as I can tell. Anything I wrote recently should be commentable.

There are a few small glitches.

Right now, the comments function does not remember your name, your email address or your URL. If you like this feature, you will be annoyed that it isn't working yet. I'm trying to correctly link the JavaScript file in my template, but so far the two times I've attempted to fix it, I have broken the template and it won't publish new entries.

The other issue is cosmetic. Basically I need to update the site style sheet. I'm not happy with the way comments are presented. Right now my page templates are now a combination of MovableType 2.x, 3.x and 4.0. The only way I'm going to fix it completely is to redesign my site around the new templates and the new template tags.

That will come in time.

Thanks for your patience.

Yeah, I went and had to mess with well enough and now comments are pretty broken.

Sorry.

Feel free to send me email at this domain. My email alias is sinner.

If you do instant messaging, I do that, too. Add sou11355 on AIM or Yahoo!

Hopefully I get comments fixed in the near future.

Watch this space.

I don't want to change the blog, the URL, the writing style, or really anything else about the attitude.

But I do believe I have a soul.

I'm not walking around with a death-wish anymore, and I no longer wish to identify with being empty. Because I'm not. I'm living for myself and I am loving my life.

My name on this blog has always been Soulless, but I tried blogging for a few weeks or so as Mysterious QuietOne. Flower thinks this name is apt for me, and I tend to agree, knowing myself and my habits.

At one point, one commenter accused me of having a silver tongue, so I adopted it as sort of a last name. It has a nice alliteration. Soulless Silvertongue. Cute right?

But still, the Soulless and the Silvertongue to me have some negative connotations I don't like, such as being a liar. And this is one place where I learned to be more honest than anywhere, ever before.

Then I tried another affectation. I changed my adopted last name to Breedlove. It is a real surname, plus it's made of breeding and loving which I have to say are good things in my book. Silvertongue was reduced to an initial as a middle name. Soulless S. Breedlove is what I have called myself here for at least a few years.

I have thought of going back down to a single word again. I don't want to use any character names from Fiction because that's pretty common. And I don't necessarily want to use any names from any pantheon because I just don't see myself as being Uber-Dom. Dominant yes. Uber maybe later.

I have thought of calling myself Sinner. Because a lot of straight vanilla folks might see me that way and frankly I'm not ashamed of pleasure in my life. And then I get to keep the "S." So many good words start the same way. Succulent. Savory. Salacious. Sexual. Sinner because I don't think the vices necessarily are.

I have also thought of simply calling myself Breedlove. I do believe in the right to sex and sexual joy. And I believe in people having this together and creating from it.

I do feel there is something hatching or some sort of phoenix rising from the ashes, so I do feel it's time to shed a certain skin.

I'll keep you posted.

I hope this post find you all happy and healthy after a long, relaxing weekend.

I have been working long-relaxing shifts all weekend, today included. No holiday for a sinner. Or for a guy who is recovering from being broke.

No more being broke. No more.

So no rest for me until that's cleared up.

:: sigh ::

No fun being horny at work. No fun at all.

Grafuck

Sex and art. Art and sex.

Looks like Amazon carries Grafuck.