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October 15, 2007
"Dance, Monkey! Dance!"
In retrospect, it seems like that's what you were saying to me.
I remember now, thank you.
I remember thinking I had to please you. That just for the asking, randomly, you could ask me to please you and sate your every desire.
You who came to me, wanting me to do my Dom trick or my Dom show or whatever it was that you thought I was and that I did.
You came to me, yet you told me that I couldn't, wasn't, didn't.
I thought I could try harder. Then I could. Or you could, or whatever the fuck you thought was supposed to happen.
I remember now.
And I know now why I burned out.
Here is my treasure: you gave me boundaries.
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (October 15, 2007 8:46 PM) by speaking evil. [+]
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I hear you loud and clear....
I have been away from blogging for three years. It took me that long to recuperate. Looking down upon the masses from my "sexual goddess" pedestal was very lonely and unfulfilling at times. The desire to please, to make my readers happy, to give them what they wanted became overwhelming.
I am back now...my blog isn't as popular, I don't have many readers, but I am happier and blog when and about whatever I feel like....of course, it is mostly sexual content, but I feel like I have learned a valuable lesson.
I really struggle with the angry posts. Because I am a people-pleaser.
Because I don't have to actually face anyone when I write these words, the posts come closer to what I hear in my head but what I do not say.
And so it is with this post. I had been reading some things online in more than one place which finally made some things connect for me, internally.
It wasn't until I wrote the post that I really understood boundaries. And I am serious. I have heard tell that such things existed but I never previously understood that I didn't have any.
In my emotional life, I keep finding that the things that make me the most angry have the most to teach me.
On the one hand, I apologize for the angry tone of the post. I think more people were affected by that shotgun blast than I intended.
On the other hand, there are always two sides to every story. That's what I was feeling and it felt good to get it out.
~S