Black As My Soul: October 2007 Archives

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October 28, 2007

Pain Healer Research Group

Pain Healer has got a new project, and is looking for more volunteers and more data.

More is better, right?

Link: Pain Healer Research Group

Flower and I have both responded.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 5:51 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]

It's Hard to Stand By and Watch

I was clicking through links on Cunning Linguists the other night. There are a lot of new sites there, but I was happy to see some of the sites that have been around for a while are still online. One seemed particularly familiar and I went to check out her style of writing. It seemed like I had linked to her once long ago, or maybe I didn't. I don't know.

But there it was. It was a little too much like reading a chapter out of my own life. She was in counseling and was going to seek treatment for sexual addiction.

I wanted to leave a comment and to fill her head with questions, to shout "No, don't fall for it!"

Like really good friends here tried to do for me.

But I remember. I didn't listen.

It took me years, a divorce and lots of time on my own to see how much I was not living my life for myself. That the sexual activity I was pursuing helped me to get through the other shit. And I will grant you that plenty of the shit was inside my own head.

I'm not trying to say that the sexual activity was all benign. I was obviously behaving in some ways that were destructive to my primary relationship.

By then, it was too late. Emotionally I had checked out of my life and my marriage. I was definitely just going through the motions.

Instead of prolonging the inevitable, instead of not wanting to hurt anyone, instead of punishing myself for having real and true feelings that did not agree with the life I was leading, I should have opted out sooner. That would have been the honorable thing to do.

I played at honor for a long time, and that hollowed me out. I pushed down my own intuition, my own desires and my thoughts for so long that I was completely lost. I'm still working on recovering who I am as a man.

I suppose the therapy was useful to me. I learned that in a room full of alleged addicts, my actions were no better or worse than any other in that room. My desires were no less normal than anyone in that room.

I learned that I can't feel more healthy by suppressing desire or lust, or any other aspect of myself.

Ultimately, I did not comment on the other blogger's site.

I can't just assume that she is in the same place I was, or that she will arrive in the same place as me. She and I are not on the same journey, similar though they may be.

If she does wish to search on the topic of sexual addiction, she may see some of the posts on my site that talk about it, or she may not. And that's not going to be up to me. She has to see in her own way in her own time. My own wishing for a certain outcome is not going to help her any more than what her therapists wish or her partner wishes. And that is why she is there in the first place.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:47 AM :: Submit. [+]

October 24, 2007

Appropriation Is Not Flattery

I was really disappointed to read on Neeraja's site that one of her posts appeared as a new entry on another blog. What makes me feel culpable is the sense that I could have provided an avenue for one to copy the other.

So, I have to say it: Never take someone's words as your own.

If you were inspired, comment on the author's post. If you want to publicize it, quote a meaningful piece, but provide proper context and attribution. Link back to the original post. Hell, if another site led you there, credit them too!

Copying posts entirely is wrong on so many levels, never-mind the copyright, Copyleft or Creative Commons issues.

I have had many of my stories re-published on a writing website, which I am not completely happy with, but at least the person who did it had the tact of including my name as the author and a link to my site.

October 22, 2007

Neutrality as Applied to Life: Some Incomplete Thoughts

Recently I began to wonder if the paradigm of the internet and freedom of access will trickle down into our lives.

We have learned that firewalls are not impenetrable. Further, they can be compromised from within.

We have learned that censorship is simply a blocked avenue, and other avenues can be found.

And we are learning that the value of communities is undermined and diminished when we place universal limits on expression, interaction and sharing.

On the internet, the ideal seems to be network neutrality, an extraordinarily egalitarian philosophy if ever there was one: all information has equal importance, all requests have equal importance, access to all information is equivalent.

I believe that the internet will lead to additional social evolution. Limits to freedom will be less tolerable. Limits to knowledge will be less tolerable. Limits to communication will be less tolerable.

We will see that this whole experience we're having is less about you and me and a lot more about us.

And so it is that I have high hopes that sexuality and its many flowers will be allowed to flourish, that it will be anticipated and accepted that there is variety, and that limits will not be tolerated.

Such are the thoughts of the optimistic pervert.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:22 PM :: Submit. [+]

October 15, 2007

"Dance, Monkey! Dance!"

In retrospect, it seems like that's what you were saying to me.
I remember now, thank you.

I remember thinking I had to please you. That just for the asking, randomly, you could ask me to please you and sate your every desire.

You who came to me, wanting me to do my Dom trick or my Dom show or whatever it was that you thought I was and that I did.

You came to me, yet you told me that I couldn't, wasn't, didn't.

I thought I could try harder. Then I could. Or you could, or whatever the fuck you thought was supposed to happen.

I remember now.

And I know now why I burned out.

Here is my treasure: you gave me boundaries.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:46 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]

October 7, 2007

Damned Spam

I delete spam swiftly. Occasionally that results in accidents and I kill a comment I had intended to keep.

I accidentally deleted a legetimate comment on the previous post. Oops! I'm sorry!

Please feel free to post it again if you like?

[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:55 PM :: Submit. [+]

October 5, 2007

Top Me How I Want to Be Topped

No.

After the negotiations, after we agree to scene together, if you don't like it, you have a safe word.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 3:16 PM :: 11 Submissives [+]

October 4, 2007

On the Phones, But It's So-Not-Sexy

My other job is answering calls from stylists who need help with their store computer point-of-sale system.

So I spend two nights a week and every other weekend helping non-technical women and gay men to use their store system or troubleshoot when there are problems.

:: sigh ::

I like helping people, mostly, but sometimes it gets old.

Explaining to someone that the VCR-sized box under the cash drawer is the actual computer several times a night loses its charm after a while.

I don't know of many careers left where some level of computer-literacy isn't a huge benefit both personally and professionally. I know not everyone dives into technology with the same enthusiasm I've had since I was 15, but these things have been around for a while now. Let's all learn about abstraction and the difference between what you see on your monitor and the physical location of the actual computer.

You might call it the CPU, but the CPU is inside. You might call the hard drive, but the hard drive is inside. It's a PC or a computer or a Mac (most likely). Just please accept it.

Oh, yes. I'm wearing gray trousers and a black polo shirt. I'm several days unshaven. I have a Treo on one hip and a Blackberry on the other. And lots of USB storage in my pockets.

And I'm happy to take your call.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:01 PM :: 6 Submissives [+]

October 2, 2007

Keep Your Penis in Your Genus

I watched the new show Caveman tonight. My expectations were low, but I laughed out loud several times. The title of this post was one of the best one-liners.

Yes, I'm a fan of the Geico caveman commercials. And the "Messin' with Sasquatch" commercials.

...

Fortunately, Flower is in my Genus.

Mmm. Genus.

[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:24 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]