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November 3, 2007
I Don't Know the Answer to This One
I'm finding myself wondering with increasing frequency why those things in Western society that we characterize as "Adult" need to be hidden.
We spend our childhoods waiting for and imagining the wonderful world that awaits us as free, self-directing adults. But I can't help but think it was false advertising, because in truth we are really expected to keep those adult desires under wraps.
Call me on this if I am wrong.
But let me conjecture that protecting children by limiting me is less about children than it is protecting the world (illusions) we have created for them.
I want to be a father, but this is something that I really struggle with. I want healthy children. I do want them exposed to the world. I don't want to cause damage.
But I don't want childhood enforced. Not from me or from society.
I'm having a really hard time putting this into words. And I'm not sure if I'm making much sense.
And maybe where I'm coming from is that I have been disabused of so many of the ideals that were either foisted on me or that I had adopted in good faith.
The kids who are on environmental and moral and vice crusades are going to be really disappointed and possibly fucked up when their actions in 10 years fly in the face of how they are taught to judge people today.
Is there a way to reveal the world gradually to developing humans that is more realistic?
Is there a way to have integrity with your word and actions, honoring your children at their stage of life while still honoring your own needs and desires as an adult?
Or is subterfuge and illusion the best we have to offer?
Comments are now closed on this post due to spamming.~S
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (November 3, 2007 12:02 AM) by thinking evil. [+]
5 Comments
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I absolutely couldn't agree more. You said it wonderfully.
Kaya,
Thank you for saying so!
You would agree those are real issues and good questions?
Do you have insight from your own experience?
~S
I think that protecting children from knowledge of any sort is harmful, including sexual knowledge. I don't advocate that I prance around nude wearing a collar and cuffs in front of them, nor do I leave the link to my kink-oriented blog lying on the kitchen table. But allowing them the freedom to discover sex, discover all manners of how to express sex, and to not feel any sort of shame over it starts with believing that there is no shame in it myself.
The funny, and brilliant, thing about kids is that they'll search for what they are ready to know. And when they are ready to know it, I want that correct information available to them. If it's me they come to, great. If it's the internet, great. What I don't want is for them to be restricted to learning by locker-room talk from kids more ignorant than they are. That's how I learned, and it took me years to have to recover, forget it, and learn it the right way.
My children have asked me all manner of things, from 'what does sperm taste like?' to 'does butt sex hurt?' to 'why is there a chain on your bed?'
Is there a way to reveal the world gradually to developing humans that is more realistic?
What is more realistic than letting them learn as they grow? Kids tend to look up stuff on the internet because *something* has sparked an interest, or a curiosity. A kid hears a word, doesn't know what it means and runs to google. What you end up with is not a traumatized child, you end up with a curiousity satisfied, a question answered and more knowledgable child. At what age should they know what 'butt plug' is? I would say that the very age that they want to know what it is. I don't ask THEM if they know what a butt plug is, they ask ME. And that's when they are ready. That's realistic. If they don't want to know, if they hear 'butt plug' and it sparks no further question or comment from them? They don't care enough to know yet. I don't have to elaborate and say "honey, mommy has 8 butt plugs." I merely have to explain what it is and why someone might use it. Simple. ;-)
Subterfuge and illusion is the easy way, and the dishonest way, in my humble opinion. There is nothing worse than a child verging on adulthood with zero adult skills or knowledge because they were "protected". That's not protection, that's sabotage.
Wow. Thank you, Kaya.
That was a very thoughtful reply.
What you described was a part of the way I grew up. I was largely allowed to pursue my own interests, save for the sexual. My mother would be open to an extent, but then would describe certain aspects with terms like "filth" or "sick." No doubt she was exposing plenty about her personal beliefs and attempting to pass them forward or to instill them. Which she did.
I have since learned a great deal about the sexual history of my family and because of abuse and promiscuity, and a healthy dose of Lutheran guilt, that's why my parents and theirs were they way they were.
Suffice it to say, I want that shit to stop with me. I refuse to pass shame and illness forward.
"You shall not pass!" -Gandolf the Grey addressing the Balrog (LOTR)
I am really glad and encouraged that you are brave enough to conduct yourself as you do, because that is just how I would like to think I will handle myself.
~S
I've been reading your blog for 3 years, running with your ups and downs and questions. Thank you for your honesty and openness. I'm glad you've found Flower.
In terms of this topic: child-rearing, sexuality and how to combine the two; Check out "Families and how to Survive Them" by John Cleese and Jilly Skynner. It is a socratic discussion of the stages of childhood, how to help a child through them and how damage at each stage will affect a child.
A semi-related book is "Going Sane" by Adam Philips. It's a discussion of how there are so many definitions of madness in our culture but very few of sanity. You'll love the chapter on "Sane Sex".