With a snow storm.
We didn't get nearly as much as some parts East of us, for sure. But most of our snow cover was gone before then.
I was thinking I might finally be done with the melting and the water running through my yard, but we will have more of that through the week at least.
I am really, really excited for the landscape to change from monochrome back to technicolor.
So much so that I wore shorts and a t-shirt to work today.
I'm a dork, I know.
But that's how I roll. ;)
Well, this week ended up not being as bad as I feared it could be. I have been slowly releasing the panic I've put myself through.
We made do with a stunningly small amount of cash and bus passes and car-pooling.
:: sighs ::
I feel like I can breathe again.
And, overall, things are looking good for the future.
I should be able to get my car worked on next week.
I took another night at the part-time job so that will mean more coming in next month.
And things are going to get better.
I am going to build a better budget and stop living paycheck to paycheck like I have most of my life.
Spring is coming. The Sun is shining warmly and rain is coming. The snow is only left in icy piles that freeze and thaw, freeze and thaw.
We're looking at doing much more gardening this year and I'm very happy about that.
And I have this weekend off. Praise the Gods!
Life is good, the universe is generous, and I have about me everything that I need.
Right while I'm reeling financially from the vet bills...
I went and rear-ended another car today, trying to get from one employer to another.
Yes, I have insurance and it's covered, but now I have to figure out when to fit in an estimate and when to get the work done. The deductible is pretty small, but I just don't even have that right now.
I'm fine, and the car is drivable, but I'm missing headlights on the passenger side and that's not too cool.
I'm not dead, so this is all making me stronger, right?
I'm pretty scared, but I will just handle things one at a time. That's all I can do.
I just learned about FetLife today—I was tipped off by Venus. I liked what I saw and created a profile there. Friend me if you like, by all means.
It's a new network site, but the premise is adults, kink and fetish. It has a clean design and is still in development, but looks to me to be very promising.
Its simplicity is refreshing, It's not garish like MySpace or about how cool you are like FaceBook or all-business like LinkedIn. I have RL profiles on all of those and on Friendster, but those profiles are all Safe-For-Work.
I'm glad there are more places for adults. Tribe had such promise until they panicked about having kids on board. It's good and right to protect our children. But adults need and deserve a place where they can let loose, too.
Another kink-friendly option can be found at MyDungeonSpace.
Do you know of other sites?
Does this happen to anyone else?
I've had a few beers this week. I haven't had more than 2 on any one night, but between Friday and last night, I took care of a six-pack of porter.
What I have found to be true in my own case, is that typically within 24 to 36 hours of having alcohol, I will have some pretty intense anxiety and panic and often some depression.
The sad thing is that I often don't remember that it's going to happen, though it almost always does, until I am in the midst of it.
The good thing is that I can tell myself with certainty that it will pass. It always does.
The bad thing is I managed to pick on Flower today while I was in the thick of it, before I realized, "Oh, shit. It's the panic thing again."
Yeah.
Would really like to take that back, but I know I so cannot.
I've only in the last year had my own pets. Flower brought her puppies (really, full-grown dogs, but small ones) to stay with us.
She had hardly ever been without pets in the home. I hadn't had any since I left my family to strike out on my own, many years ago.
But the three little dogs had really worked their way into my heart and my lifestyle.
I find myself thinking that, at least on some levels, if I can provide a good home to these little ones then I might have what it takes to raise children. Perhaps that's a silly thing to think, but it is a place to begin.
A little over a week ago on a Friday, the eldest of the three little dogs was taken to the vets as she had been acting lame. Based on symptoms and x-ray imaging, she was given meds for arthritis. In the following days, she acted much less lame but began to pant and breathe heavily constantly. We thought perhaps she was suffering a side-effect of the medication and agreed we would discuss changes with the vet on Monday.
In the very wee hours of Monday, the panting turned into coughing and whining. We took her the the vet's office as soon as it opened at 7:00. They diagnosed it immediately as congestive heart failure and began treating for it nearly the moment we walked in the door. Later imaging showed that in the very short time since her last visit she had accumulated an enormous amount of fluid around her heart. The panting was because her circulation had become so poor--she was starving for air.
Despite the diligence and compassion of the doctors, she died that afternoon.
Nothing anyone had told me before had prepared me for what I felt. Nothing prepared me for watching her take her last breath and literally watching the life leave her body.
I have been profoundly sad without her. While life has continued, while I have gone to work each day, my home has not felt the same in the time since.
I miss our little girl. She was very special to me. I have regrets for those things that I think were failures or shortcomings on my part with regard to her care. And I have since asked her forgiveness.
But in her passing I find an imperative to be grateful for each moment and for what I have now. I still have two handsome little boy puppies, the love of Flower, and a home I feel comfortable in. I have two jobs that pay the bills and enough spare time to follow my interests as I see fit.
I still see life as good and the future as pregnant with possibility.
I just needed some time to deal with the loss.
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