« Quick Note | Home Page | Yes, Sometimes I Make My Own Drama »
March 2, 2008
All That Begins and Ends
I've only in the last year had my own pets. Flower brought her puppies (really, full-grown dogs, but small ones) to stay with us.
She had hardly ever been without pets in the home. I hadn't had any since I left my family to strike out on my own, many years ago.
But the three little dogs had really worked their way into my heart and my lifestyle.
I find myself thinking that, at least on some levels, if I can provide a good home to these little ones then I might have what it takes to raise children. Perhaps that's a silly thing to think, but it is a place to begin.
A little over a week ago on a Friday, the eldest of the three little dogs was taken to the vets as she had been acting lame. Based on symptoms and x-ray imaging, she was given meds for arthritis. In the following days, she acted much less lame but began to pant and breathe heavily constantly. We thought perhaps she was suffering a side-effect of the medication and agreed we would discuss changes with the vet on Monday.
In the very wee hours of Monday, the panting turned into coughing and whining. We took her the the vet's office as soon as it opened at 7:00. They diagnosed it immediately as congestive heart failure and began treating for it nearly the moment we walked in the door. Later imaging showed that in the very short time since her last visit she had accumulated an enormous amount of fluid around her heart. The panting was because her circulation had become so poor--she was starving for air.
Despite the diligence and compassion of the doctors, she died that afternoon.
Nothing anyone had told me before had prepared me for what I felt. Nothing prepared me for watching her take her last breath and literally watching the life leave her body.
I have been profoundly sad without her. While life has continued, while I have gone to work each day, my home has not felt the same in the time since.
I miss our little girl. She was very special to me. I have regrets for those things that I think were failures or shortcomings on my part with regard to her care. And I have since asked her forgiveness.
But in her passing I find an imperative to be grateful for each moment and for what I have now. I still have two handsome little boy puppies, the love of Flower, and a home I feel comfortable in. I have two jobs that pay the bills and enough spare time to follow my interests as I see fit.
I still see life as good and the future as pregnant with possibility.
I just needed some time to deal with the loss.
[+] Posted by Sinner, who was transgressing at the time (March 2, 2008 5:10 PM) by revealing evil. [+]
4 Comments
Leave a comment
« Quick Note | Main | Yes, Sometimes I Make My Own Drama »
sounds like you did everything you could. illness, just like in humans, can come on fast and strong. there is no way of knowing. animals rarely ever cry out in discomfort or pain unless it's very bad.
animals have this way of creeping into your heart and staying there. all they do is provide endless hours of love and comfort. it's such a simple thing they do for us.
my heart goes out to you, flower and your "kids".
Dear S
I keep typing and re typing this message. It is hard to find words that might help. But I do want to say that I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. I bet you and Flower gave her a very good home and loved her, and she would have known that.
It's natural to be sad. It's quite a blow.
But that you are so sad is comforting too, you know. Only the nicest guys care this much!
Big hug
Rob
Hey there, I came across you from Sarah's blog. I'm so sorry about your loss; I've been through this grief many times now, since animals have a much shorter life span than humans and I have had many pets in my life.
It never gets any easier; I wish it did, but it doesn't. The only thing that comforts me is that animals do not have knowledge of life and death the way we do. You loved her and gave her a good home and that's all that mattered to her; she had no idea she was dying and did not fear it.
We are the ones with memories and we are the ones that grieve.
Time will help. Let yourself feel what you want/need to feel.
I am so sorry. There is really nothing anyone can say to ease the pain you feel. As an animal lover, I know full well the extent of the feeling of loss that occurs when a pet passes on. :-(