"Sinner transgressed by revealing evil." Category Archive
June 22, 2008
Pigtails and Ponytails Are Under-Rated
I really do love my Flower.
She put her hair in 'tails just for me.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:14 PM :: Submit. [+]
May 30, 2008
Sparkly Angel Wings
When your t-shirt has a blingy angel-wing over each breast...
Well, I'm going to look.
I'm just saying.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:32 PM :: 7 Submissives [+]
March 22, 2008
Spring Has Sprung!
With a snow storm.
We didn't get nearly as much as some parts East of us, for sure. But most of our snow cover was gone before then.
I was thinking I might finally be done with the melting and the water running through my yard, but we will have more of that through the week at least.
I am really, really excited for the landscape to change from monochrome back to technicolor.
So much so that I wore shorts and a t-shirt to work today.
I'm a dork, I know.
But that's how I roll. ;)
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:16 AM :: 2 Submissives [+]
March 13, 2008
Over the Hump
Well, this week ended up not being as bad as I feared it could be. I have been slowly releasing the panic I've put myself through.
We made do with a stunningly small amount of cash and bus passes and car-pooling.
:: sighs ::
I feel like I can breathe again.
And, overall, things are looking good for the future.
I should be able to get my car worked on next week.
I took another night at the part-time job so that will mean more coming in next month.
And things are going to get better.
I am going to build a better budget and stop living paycheck to paycheck like I have most of my life.
Spring is coming. The Sun is shining warmly and rain is coming. The snow is only left in icy piles that freeze and thaw, freeze and thaw.
We're looking at doing much more gardening this year and I'm very happy about that.
And I have this weekend off. Praise the Gods!
Life is good, the universe is generous, and I have about me everything that I need.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:34 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
March 7, 2008
Drama: I Made More
Right while I'm reeling financially from the vet bills...
I went and rear-ended another car today, trying to get from one employer to another.
Yes, I have insurance and it's covered, but now I have to figure out when to fit in an estimate and when to get the work done. The deductible is pretty small, but I just don't even have that right now.
I'm fine, and the car is drivable, but I'm missing headlights on the passenger side and that's not too cool.
I'm not dead, so this is all making me stronger, right?
I'm pretty scared, but I will just handle things one at a time. That's all I can do.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:53 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
March 6, 2008
Yes, Sometimes I Make My Own Drama
Does this happen to anyone else?
I've had a few beers this week. I haven't had more than 2 on any one night, but between Friday and last night, I took care of a six-pack of porter.
What I have found to be true in my own case, is that typically within 24 to 36 hours of having alcohol, I will have some pretty intense anxiety and panic and often some depression.
The sad thing is that I often don't remember that it's going to happen, though it almost always does, until I am in the midst of it.
The good thing is that I can tell myself with certainty that it will pass. It always does.
The bad thing is I managed to pick on Flower today while I was in the thick of it, before I realized, "Oh, shit. It's the panic thing again."
Yeah.
Would really like to take that back, but I know I so cannot.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 6:39 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
March 2, 2008
All That Begins and Ends
I've only in the last year had my own pets. Flower brought her puppies (really, full-grown dogs, but small ones) to stay with us.
She had hardly ever been without pets in the home. I hadn't had any since I left my family to strike out on my own, many years ago.
But the three little dogs had really worked their way into my heart and my lifestyle.
I find myself thinking that, at least on some levels, if I can provide a good home to these little ones then I might have what it takes to raise children. Perhaps that's a silly thing to think, but it is a place to begin.
A little over a week ago on a Friday, the eldest of the three little dogs was taken to the vets as she had been acting lame. Based on symptoms and x-ray imaging, she was given meds for arthritis. In the following days, she acted much less lame but began to pant and breathe heavily constantly. We thought perhaps she was suffering a side-effect of the medication and agreed we would discuss changes with the vet on Monday.
In the very wee hours of Monday, the panting turned into coughing and whining. We took her the the vet's office as soon as it opened at 7:00. They diagnosed it immediately as congestive heart failure and began treating for it nearly the moment we walked in the door. Later imaging showed that in the very short time since her last visit she had accumulated an enormous amount of fluid around her heart. The panting was because her circulation had become so poor--she was starving for air.
Despite the diligence and compassion of the doctors, she died that afternoon.
Nothing anyone had told me before had prepared me for what I felt. Nothing prepared me for watching her take her last breath and literally watching the life leave her body.
I have been profoundly sad without her. While life has continued, while I have gone to work each day, my home has not felt the same in the time since.
I miss our little girl. She was very special to me. I have regrets for those things that I think were failures or shortcomings on my part with regard to her care. And I have since asked her forgiveness.
But in her passing I find an imperative to be grateful for each moment and for what I have now. I still have two handsome little boy puppies, the love of Flower, and a home I feel comfortable in. I have two jobs that pay the bills and enough spare time to follow my interests as I see fit.
I still see life as good and the future as pregnant with possibility.
I just needed some time to deal with the loss.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 5:10 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
January 28, 2008
274
I knew it was going to be a high number.
Seems like every time I get on the scale it's a higher number than it was the time before.
But basically, in 4 years I have gained almost 70 pounds from my WeightWatchers low of 205. 205 is when I gave in and felt that I couldn't watch Points anymore. I didn't want to track everything. I didn't want to weigh in every week.
For a while I thought I had stabilized below 230. I figured with the walking I was doing I could keep the rest in check.
But in the two years since that point, I have not exercised at all. My clothes are all fitting pretty tightly (when they do fit), and my knees are protesting more.
I don't like it. I feel more than a little defeated.
I don't want to diet, but I do want to change.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:43 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
October 4, 2007
On the Phones, But It's So-Not-Sexy
My other job is answering calls from stylists who need help with their store computer point-of-sale system.
So I spend two nights a week and every other weekend helping non-technical women and gay men to use their store system or troubleshoot when there are problems.
:: sigh ::
I like helping people, mostly, but sometimes it gets old.
Explaining to someone that the VCR-sized box under the cash drawer is the actual computer several times a night loses its charm after a while.
I don't know of many careers left where some level of computer-literacy isn't a huge benefit both personally and professionally. I know not everyone dives into technology with the same enthusiasm I've had since I was 15, but these things have been around for a while now. Let's all learn about abstraction and the difference between what you see on your monitor and the physical location of the actual computer.
You might call it the CPU, but the CPU is inside. You might call the hard drive, but the hard drive is inside. It's a PC or a computer or a Mac (most likely). Just please accept it.
Oh, yes. I'm wearing gray trousers and a black polo shirt. I'm several days unshaven. I have a Treo on one hip and a Blackberry on the other. And lots of USB storage in my pockets.
And I'm happy to take your call.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:01 PM :: 6 Submissives [+]
September 30, 2007
Sinner Since 2002
Holy crap! I've been blogging most nights for the last five years!
Yeah, when this gets in your blood, it really gets in your blood!
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:14 AM :: 2 Submissives [+]
September 21, 2007
Cranky
Sorry about all of the cranky posts of late.
I don't deal well with stress. If it's other people's stress, no problem. I'm placid, enthusiastic and all business.
If it's my stress? Yeah. Right off the handle I go.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:54 AM :: Submit. [+]
September 15, 2007
Felt Like a Dork, But I Got My Weekend Back!
I spent the week dreading this weekend. I was thinking I was working both Saturday and Sunday.
So, this morning, I dutifully hauled my sleepy ass out of bed and got myself to my second place of work, albeit just a little late. Or so I thought.
I discovered, to my increasing personal dismay, that I was not only not scheduled for work, but apparently I also had advance warning of this. A quick check with the calendar on the Treo I carry with me showed exactly the same thing posted on the work calendar.
So I went home, made a delicious breakfast and took a luxurious nap.
Thank the Gods!
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:15 PM [+]
September 5, 2007
The Driver Seat in My Car Has Two Memory Positions
With two different key fobs, two drivers can thus have the car remember where the mirrors should be and where the seat should be.
There is also a third position. The seat moves all the way down to the floor and all the way back.
On the panel, this is marked "EXIT."
Flower lovingly calls it "The Blowjob Position."
Sometimes when we ride together, after we pull into the drive and turn off the car. I tap the button and take the ride down and back. Then I look at Flower with a twinkle in my eye as though to say, "Here it is!"
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:35 PM :: Submit. [+]
A Little Whine
It's a lot more work than I thought to keep a site running on my own.
With a little more freedom is a lot more work and responsibility.
Some of the gravity of that has really hit me hard since I tried and failed and rolled back and fixed the various pieces of this site as I've tried to upgrade.
Now that I've said it, I won't dwell. But I had to get it out.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:26 AM :: Submit. [+]
September 4, 2007
I Don't Want to Be "Soulless" Anymore
I don't want to change the blog, the URL, the writing style, or really anything else about the attitude.
But I do believe I have a soul.
I'm not walking around with a death-wish anymore, and I no longer wish to identify with being empty. Because I'm not. I'm living for myself and I am loving my life.
My name on this blog has always been Soulless, but I tried blogging for a few weeks or so as Mysterious QuietOne. Flower thinks this name is apt for me, and I tend to agree, knowing myself and my habits.
At one point, one commenter accused me of having a silver tongue, so I adopted it as sort of a last name. It has a nice alliteration. Soulless Silvertongue. Cute right?
But still, the Soulless and the Silvertongue to me have some negative connotations I don't like, such as being a liar. And this is one place where I learned to be more honest than anywhere, ever before.
Then I tried another affectation. I changed my adopted last name to Breedlove. It is a real surname, plus it's made of breeding and loving which I have to say are good things in my book. Silvertongue was reduced to an initial as a middle name. Soulless S. Breedlove is what I have called myself here for at least a few years.
I have thought of going back down to a single word again. I don't want to use any character names from Fiction because that's pretty common. And I don't necessarily want to use any names from any pantheon because I just don't see myself as being Uber-Dom. Dominant yes. Uber maybe later.
I have thought of calling myself Sinner. Because a lot of straight vanilla folks might see me that way and frankly I'm not ashamed of pleasure in my life. And then I get to keep the "S." So many good words start the same way. Succulent. Savory. Salacious. Sexual. Sinner because I don't think the vices necessarily are.
I have also thought of simply calling myself Breedlove. I do believe in the right to sex and sexual joy. And I believe in people having this together and creating from it.
I do feel there is something hatching or some sort of phoenix rising from the ashes, so I do feel it's time to shed a certain skin.
I'll keep you posted.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:42 AM :: 7 Submissives [+]
September 3, 2007
Holiday Weekend
I hope this post find you all happy and healthy after a long, relaxing weekend.
I have been working long-relaxing shifts all weekend, today included. No holiday for a sinner. Or for a guy who is recovering from being broke.
No more being broke. No more.
So no rest for me until that's cleared up.
:: sigh ::
No fun being horny at work. No fun at all.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 4:55 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
August 26, 2007
Ah, Sleep!
12 hours yesterday and 10 hours last night. Got up at the crack of 10:00 this morning.
Honestly I feel a little groggy the moment, but it's nothing some breakfast and strong coffee can't fix.
Mmmm. Coffee.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:27 AM :: Submit. [+]
August 24, 2007
I Made It!
Something like 26 straight days of work. I'm too tired to figure out exactly how many. I keep getting confused.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to bed.
Thank you and Good Night.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:50 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
August 12, 2007
Speaking of Play
I have been really neglectful of our BDSM needs of late. I haven't engaged in much at all lately.
I will blame issues with cash-flow currently and longer hours at work, but I do need to make more space for it in my life again.
Flower found an email list for a local group. I've just joined.
I intend to write an introduction to the list shortly. I would like build a rapport and trust enough so that Flower and I can go to the munches and possibly other local events.
I'm hopeful that finally I can find a good group of people to be "out" with.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:23 PM :: Submit. [+]
All Work and Not Enough Play
I have worked 14 of the last 14 days, sometimes at two different jobs, and my schedule is such that I will be working the next 12 days in a row as well, sometimes at two different jobs.
My mental acuity is approaching zombie-like blankness and my moods are flipping on a dime.
I feel sorry for my poor Flower, having to deal with me being absent from our home that much more, and when I am finally home I'm exhausted.
Our poor puppies, too. When I come home they are all so excited and all want and need their individual time with me. They deserve it, of course. But sometimes when I get home I've not been prepared to deal with their needs and I have been cranky with them. I have to work on that. Especially since I plan on adding children to the mix.
And I need to try to find a way to let go of some of the things I think I need to do before I go to bed.
I have been averaging six hours of sleep or less and the bags under my eyes are growing. Shame on me.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:18 AM :: Submit. [+]
August 2, 2007
Blood Blood Blood
I let them harvest some of my life-force.
They put it into a plastic bag.
I seriously did donate blood today, which I feel good about. I'm a little light-headed and trying to rehydrate.
It always weirds me out at least a little, right before I get stuck. And I honestly do find it strange to see the bag fill.
Flower was right there with me. We were support for each other.
I tried to clear my mind and will healing, peace and happiness into the bag. Does that seem strange? It felt like the right thing to do. I was donating of my own volition and for what I feel were good reasons.
I want it to help someone.
Vital Stats:
Blood Pressure: 118 over 62
Pulse: 70
Hemoglobin: 15.2 um... units
Blood Type: O Negative
I have not been to Africa, I have not had sex with a man even once, I have never tested positive for HIV, and I have not had Malaria in the last three years.
For the record.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:30 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
July 26, 2007
You've Never Been With a 39-Year-Old, Have You?
That's how my birthday started, early this morning.
She hadn't of course.
But she told me she was much less concerned with that number and much more concerned about my cock.
My first gift, in the wee hours, was falling asleep, contented, in her bosom.
She baked me a cake while I was at work today. I don't even know that I have a favorite cake, but she agonized over the selection. She knew I liked butter cream frosting and cream cheese frosting, but that's about all she had to go on without tipping her hand.
She surprised me tonight by walking down the hall with the cake, candles already lit. She had baked red velvet for me, with cream cheese frosting.
It was delicious.
She says I still have one more gift…
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:27 PM :: 5 Submissives [+]
I Tried Not to Stare
Walking to my car in a parking lot one day this week, I noticed a young woman walking roughly parallel to me. The lot was mostly empty so we were both making bee-lines to our respective cars.
What really drew my eye, aside from the fact that she was wearing a mini-skirt, were her amazingly pale-colored legs.
I was astounded. Here it is late July and her legs looked if they had never seen sun in years. No spots, marks, or freckles. Truly porcelain. I suppose she wears jeans or pants most of the time, because that's a hellacious amount of surface area to put sunscreen on all of the time.
And I'm a leg man, so yes, I kept watching.
But the real treat was once I had made it to my car. I got to see her sit down in her seat and hang her legs out of her open door while she changed from her chunky heels into driving moccasins.
I have no idea who she was, but thank you.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:05 PM [+]
July 24, 2007
Speaking of Hermione
Today at work, someone brought treats for the team. Being timely and a little cute, one of the treats was a large box of cupcakes with little plastic rings on top of the frosting. The pictures pasted on the rings were head shots of Harry, Ron and Hermione.
I picked Hermione twice. Once chocolate and once vanilla. Yin and yang, good and evil, purity and... not.
As I was licking the chocolate from the first ring, after pulling it from its soft, chocolate bed, I began to think... I'm a dirty old man.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:52 AM :: 5 Submissives [+]
July 21, 2007
Perversion
Is in the eye of the beholder.
Is a term wielded by those who want you shape or control you.
Is delicious.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:33 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
July 18, 2007
I've Noticed
That…
Sometimes, what makes me dive deepest into lust is when I am afraid, or when I am anxious—when things aren't going well for me.
I'm still learning about this and from this.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:42 PM :: 5 Submissives [+]
July 15, 2007
How Do You Respond to a Request for Your Porn?
It's not a request for photos of myself, although that's perhaps a way to limit such requests in the future.
Rather, an old acquaintance has inquired as to the availability of my porn collection from remote locations. Namely his house.
In a way, I'm flattered that I'm potentially a go-to guy in an, um, emergency. Yet I also find myself wondering why he might be having trouble finding teh pr0n. My problem was always avoiding it.
I think the main thing is not so much that he couldn't get it, it's just that he doesn't want traces of it on his home network. So if he could simply access what I've collected then his worries are over.
So long as he's not caught with his pants down.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:27 AM :: 8 Submissives [+]
June 27, 2007
Admission. And a Question.
I have tried to read blogs written by dominant men. For the most part, I can't do it.
I read a few sentences and stop. There isn't room for me. I don't feel like I'm being addressed as an equal or a peer. Or it seems boastful, like reading Penthouse Letters or something.
Or maybe I have a bad attitude. I do tend to seek the feminine in all things.
So I ask you: Who is worth reading? And why?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:38 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
June 25, 2007
The Artist
I've said it before, most of the time I feel more autistic than artistic.
Lately, one of the reasons I haven't written much, of anything, is because I imagine myself to have some sort of potential which of course I also imagine that I do not live up to.
I don't know.
I believe that art is what you do when you intend to make art. Whatever that may be. However that idea expresses itself through you. In doing so, you are an artist. You are the only one who can do it that way.
I guess it's not so much a "becoming" as a "doing."
I fear failure and the process and making ugliness and, you know, being laughed at and shit.
On the other hand, if I mope and believe I'm a mediocrity and do nothing, then I was right: I am a mediocrity and a do-nothing. At least I have that.
So, speaking of fear and anxiety. I was reading last night about angst. Or rather, The Angst. Existential and everything.
One sentence in one of the pages I scanned in the light-hearted way I tend to pursue new information and enlightenment stuck out at me. Basically it said that acceptance of fear and anxiety is a step on the way to gaining pleasure and enjoyment from life.
I have been fighting fear and anxiety a long, long time. I'm so tired of being afraid. I just don't have any words for how afraid I am of really feeling fear. Sometimes getting myself to work in the morning is all I can do. I've been white-knuckling my way through life forever. As long as I can remember. I'm afraid of failure, doom, conflict, expectations, destitution. I'm all tied up in knots all of the time.
So I have to feel the fear, right? That's the way through?
If you promise you'll be there on the other side, then I think I can do it.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:09 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
June 20, 2007
What Changed?
I miss writing to you, and you, and you, and to some others who I am not even sure read me or blog at all anymore.
I miss that.
I miss the sense that I was sure you knew I meant you when I wrote to you and for you.
I fear that the sexiness and allure of my writing has vanished.
Here's what's different in my life:
- I'm not on any meds. Nothing at all. Nothing to alter me to be anything other than the bent and pervy person I was born to be. I'm not against meds, but I don't miss the hassle of appointments and prescriptions. I also do not miss the experimentation with drugs and dosages. I also do not miss side-effects. At all.
- I'm not pining away for some woman I can't have. Sure, she enters into my thoughts on occasion, years later, but mostly I shrug those thoughts off. I was never in love with a woman as much as I was infatuated with some idea of who she might have been. This was an ideal against which the thoughts of who my ex-wife might have been were compared again and again.
My life was full of self-created illusions. Before, I thought I had to be someone that I was not, acting according to the rules of this other mythical me. Whether or not people believed that image is irrelevant. I tried to protect that image at all costs.
- Two-and-a-half years after I received my divorce decree, I still sometimes dwell on the "failed marriage" thing. I have no desire to go back, but I still relentlessly deconstruct what happened and my part in it. I had emotionally divorced myself from the marriage long before anything official was decreed. The old posts show that clearly.
This blog was built in protest of the politically-correct, pussy-whipped shell of a man I had become. I felt that I was a shell. Not whole. The man I am now, by contrast, has his roots in what I started here. This blog is important to me in ways I really am not sure how to verbalize.
- My partner knows this. All of it. We met here, in this place that isn't a place. We built up ideas about the other, met in person, and started again with the beauty of the reality.
She knows everything. She has seen everything I have written and hasn't blinked yet. I treasure this.
Yep, we have secrets in common that we don't feel like sharing with everyone we know—this "sex" blog among so many other things.
So, the biggest change? This deep, dark, secret blog isn't such a dark secret, nor my thoughts so forbidden. Actions I craved to take for so long have met their willing recipient.
I didn't try for this, or set out for this, or consciously intend this. The universe works in mysterious ways, and I am grateful.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:01 AM :: 4 Submissives [+]
June 12, 2007
Blunk Drogging
I've had two large margaritas tonight. What surprised me is how hard they hit me.
I haven't been this drunk since I don't know when. And yes, I know, I'm a lightweight.
Be that as it may, my drunkeness is my excuse for not coming up with something more thoughtful in response to the links I'm going to drop on you.
The first is an article on the potential effects of semen or no semen on a woman's emotional state: Crying Over Spilled Semen. The stunner is, the results are repeatable. Is it wrong that I found the information from the Seed Magazine website?
The second article confirms what we who pratice BDSM already know, which is that pleasure and pain are related, although that's a subtext you have to infer from the information they present: The Coming Boom. (This doesn't seem to be the article I first found on the topic, but seems to contain similar information.)
And lastly, while I thought I was clever with the title for this post, I was clearly nowhere near the first to think of it.
I must go now. Flower has her hand on my cock.
All the blood has gone rushing to my brain.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:32 PM :: Submit. [+]
April 29, 2007
After Tonight…
Well, you know by now how I eroticize my experiences getting my hair professionally cut by women.
Frankly, I crave skin and touch.
Flower, bless her giant heart, volunteered her services to buzz my hair again tonight. Yes, I really do intend to keep my hair cut that short.
Before she began to cut my hair, she approached me with clippers in hand. Her breasts were at my eye-level. She noticed how taken I was by that fact—and she bared them for me.
Several times while she cut my hair, she pulled my head to her body—to her bare skin.
It was heavenly.
When she finished, I licked her nipples several times each in gratitude.
Then, she took me to the shower.
And cleaned me.
Thoroughly.
No salon I can think of would ever match that.
Yeah.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:33 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
Big Change
For me.
I had gone a full two years without cutting my hair at all.
It was a reaction to stresses in my life—a fuck-it kind of decision. I was broke and couldn't afford to go to the nice salons anymore. With everything in my life that I felt I was not in control of, it was nice to let go of one responsibility.
Plus? I had really liked it in the past when I had grown my hair out. The idea of getting it back in a pony tail really appealed to me. After a year, and for the last year, that had been the case. I wore a pony tail. I kept letting my hair grow.
In a lot of ways it was liberating and validating. I kept getting work despite the long hair, so I felt that my skills and personality were being counted above my appearance.
But I wasn't completely happy with the way it looked. I thought it was nice when it was in the pony tail, but I thought I was kinda scary looking when I let it down. It didn't feel right any more.
So I went and bought some Wahl electric clippers from Target and had Flower cut it all off. I used the #2 attachment, cutting everything to 1/4".
I dig it.
It's been like that for about a week and a half now. I've thoroughly enjoyed all of the reactions people had. People thinking someone strange was sitting at my desk at work. The people feeling so confounded that I would make that dramatic change. Let's of people asking "Why?" or "What made you decide to do it?" Lots of people assuming that it was because Summer is coming.
Nope.
I just wanted to know what it was like to shave my head.
And I also felt that it was a necessary sort of transformation. This is where I get a little weird about it. I felt like the long hair was weighing me down emotionally. I read once about Lenny Kravitz' decision to cut off his dreads, because he felt they were negative energy. At the time I didn't understand what he meant, but writing this today I feel like I get it. I *had* to do it.
I've since reduced the size of my sideburns and the size of my goatee—I decided that for balance my facial hair had to be trimmed with the #1 attachment.
And I've rationalized that I can keep cutting my hair without paying $50 a month for a master stylist. Not that my stylists never deserved it. They did. And more. But spending money like that is not appropriate for me right now.
I look very different, but I like it and all of the reactions have been good.
And Flower likes to rub my head. Heh heh. ;)
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:43 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
April 23, 2007
Public Service Blog
An online friend I met once IRL let me know today that by reading this blog she was able to understand and explain some things to a vanilla friend of hers—this friend's friend had some trouble understanding the need for some for some specific implements… in a relationship.
While she (probably wisely) didn't specifically mention this blog to her friend, it's good to know that I can be of service.
;)
I *can* be of service.
This makes me swell with pride.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:44 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
April 17, 2007
Only Now
After two years.
Only now do I realize how much I allowed my ex-wife to define me.
I'm surprised I managed to function as well as I did.
I still feel as though I'm in recovery from that life.
Surprisingly to me, a thunderbolt from the blue was a scene from the series "Sex and the City."
Carrie Bradshaw and Aleksandr Petrovsky have an uncomfortable dinner in NYC with Carrie's friends and their mates. Carrie cringes at what her friends say, knowing how Aleksandr will judge them or see them as lesser. And Aleksandr announces that Carrie is moving to Paris before Carrie had decided to do it, much less tell her friends about it.
I haven't seen most episodes from that series, I'm only now seeing them for the first time in syndication. But that scene was hard to watch. It had the frightening quality of a scene from my own life, in which I felt like a passenger, and not my own person.
I have resisted talking to my ex for months now and it has taken a long time for me to realize that I am simply very angry. I'm angry at the person I was. I'm angry that I allowed myself to be second-guessed and criticized and psycho-analyzed relentlessly. I was never on level footing.
Holy fuck was I 'whipped.
I don't know… I would like to think I know better now. And where I'm at now it is irrelevant, anyway. It's just so not an issue.
It's been embarrassing to realize I didn't have my own goals. The direction I had been fighting so hard to go in really wasn't where I wanted to be, anyway. But I finally feel like a man. And I feel ready to move in my own direction under my own volition.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:11 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
April 16, 2007
She Told Me She Needed My Cock
I took her by the hand to the bedroom and lead her within.
I simply pulled down her pajama bottoms and told her to get on the bed.
…
Sometimes it really is that simple.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:37 PM :: Submit. [+]
April 12, 2007
I Love It When
She wags her tail.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:46 PM :: Submit. [+]
March 28, 2007
Sometimes You Just Have to Spank Her
She kept trying to tickle me and leave handprints on my skin.
I had no choice.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 7:46 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
March 15, 2007
Sometimes The Deluge Is Overwhelming
When I discovered RSS feeds, my web experience completely changed.
What a brilliant piece of software, this tool that checks your favorite blogs for you. Tells you every time there's a new blog post. No more fussing with third-party tools that might or might not correctly show updated web sites.
Everything downloaded to one spot. Legible text. No hideous color schemes.
But I subscribe to… hundreds of feeds.
When I get through them all I feel spent and I feel like I have absorbed nothing because there is so much new to see. Longer posts get skimmed because there are two hundred more in the queue.
And yet I find myself checking again and again for new posts. More.
I think that has a lot to do with me not posting much of late. Too busy clicking the next unread article.
Must moderate behavior.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:01 PM [+]
March 6, 2007
You Know? I Want to Love Suicide Girls
But I don't.
OK? I did ante up and get a subscription, which is cheap. But I don't think I'll renew.
Frankly, the pictures as a rule aren't really erotic or sexual to me. Lots of pictures of naked girls, true. But not much that really does much to me or for me. Just because a girl is naked in a photograph doesn't make it automatically worth publishing. And there is not nearly enough pussy.
I could care less about tats or no, hair dye or no, piercings or no. I don't care what you're wearing or not wearing. Just be coy or flirtatious. Act like you want me. Pay attention to what is sexy around you and why it's sexy.
And would it kill you to have girls who are older than 19?
Anyway, there are some notable exceptions but as a rule I'm losing interest.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 7:34 PM :: Submit. [+]
February 24, 2007
After Watching a Porn Clip
Flower turned to me and said, "That's a good strategy if she won't let you come in her mouth. If you come on her nose first, she'll have to breathe out of her mouth…"
Fortunately, I have never needed that strategy. ;)
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:11 PM :: Submit. [+]
February 16, 2007
Rumors of My Demise
I spent the night in a hospital.
Nitroglycerin. Aspirin. Blood drawn four times. Stress test. Nuclear medicine.
Mom and Dad stayed with me.
Flower slept on my bed with me.
I don't know why I had chest pains.
But I learned that my heart is just fine.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:38 PM :: 10 Submissives [+]
December 30, 2006
Her Skin
I can't tell.
If it demands to be touched.
Or,
If it is my skin that craves contact with hers.
Flower.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:13 PM :: Submit. [+]
December 28, 2006
When I Grow Up
I want to be an artist.
There I said it.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 4:54 PM :: Submit. [+]
December 8, 2006
Does This Happen to You?
Do you ever see people who remind you of bloggers—bloggers you have never met?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:52 AM :: 7 Submissives [+]
December 7, 2006
Wicked One
That's the pet name my Flower has given to me.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:40 AM :: 2 Submissives [+]
November 12, 2006
One Thing I Have Learned
If you honestly make a list of your desires and write them down, if you honestly ask for what you want, it will come to pass.
Reading through my old posts…
I have everything I asked for.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 3:49 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
Sexuality and the Sacred
Every now and again I go looking for this, online—on blogs.
I don't know that I'm looking for religion, per se, as much as I'm looking for validation that I am not wrong (and of course satisfying prurient desires). But I am also looking for belief, conviction, or practice. I am looking for personal experience.
I have run across blogs written by folks who claim that what they do is fulfilling and part of fulfilling sacred work. In name they call themselves sacred. But the blogs are not about those things. They are about politics and sex-workers rights. Frankly, I'm so not interested in reading about that. I believe that (an it harm none) there is nothing about sexuality that should be illegal between consenting parties. In my case, they are preaching to the choir.
But where it concerns sex and the sacred, all I want to know is what it feels like to you. Are there rituals? What do you do? How did you arrive where you are? What happened in your life that tells you without a shadow of a doubt that you are on the right path?
Those are the things that convince me. That matters to me much more than reportage of events. That matters to me more than erotica. That matters to me more than litanies of the offenses of western civilization. I know these histories. Tell me what I don't know. What I can't know is your experience. That is what will bring me back.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:19 AM [+]
November 10, 2006
Flower Is a Geek, Too
She wanted ACDSee installed on her laptop, like I have.
Mmmm. Flower.
Incidentally, It's one of the best tools I know of for browsing your porn collection. Er, your photos.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:07 PM :: Submit. [+]
November 6, 2006
Atmosphere
Today, the weather in the south-east of the metropolitan area in which I live is foggy and cloudy.
It looks much like a moody period mystery piece. The trees all seem silhouetted black against a deeply-grey sky.
Perfect for a carriage ride through a haunted wood.
The coach, naturally would be lacquered black and have a red velvet interior.
The horses would be uneasy.
The coachmen would raise their collars against the chill.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:24 PM :: 6 Submissives [+]
November 5, 2006
And I Got Claustrophobic
Too many short drunk girls complaining about me standing in front of them.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't care who you are or why you decided you needed to squeeze in front of me. You're just rude.
But you win. I left my choice spot three feet from the stage. I decided my empty pint glass should be refilled.
The second beer helped.
Blogging this helped.
I'll calm down in a bit.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:15 AM :: 6 Submissives [+]
October 27, 2006
Workplace Neuroses
Can I admit that I have issues?
Yeah, so maybe I have admitted to one or two here previously…
But I have to say that I have lived in near constant dread on this contract. That I wasn't doing well enough. That I wasn't doing things right enough. Or fast enough.
I cringe when my supervisor is near, in fear that he is going to call me down for some real or unknown transgression.
My supervisor is a nice guy. Not a great manager, but a nice guy.
This isn't the first time I have felt that way, but the more I imagine my performance may be at issue, the worse off I am. There are times when the fear and anxiety are nearly debilatating. Which means my performance suffers, according to me, and then the worry and the fear gain a greater foothold.
Doesn't seem to matter how old I am or how much experience I gain.
At all times I have the potential to be my most powerful adversary.
One thing has changed though, with age. I'm 38 and sometimes I wonder where the fuck all of those years went. How could I be 38 already? But my point is that I feel increasing urgency to get on with life. My tenure here isn't getting any longer. Life is too short to be ruled by fear. It's too short.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 7:11 AM :: Submit. [+]
Light in My Loafers
I mean, there's a spring in my step. I have the third of three interviews today… if everything goes well, I get to keep the job I have been doing as a contractor for the last several months. Except I would actually be in a permanent, salaried position—she first full-time permanent position I have held since… 2003.
I can do the work. I just need them to know I'm the right man for the job. Er, how wouldn't they know after this long? I don't know, I just don't want to fuck this up.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 6:44 AM :: Submit. [+]
October 21, 2006
Mobile Porn Unit (MPU)
I have had two iPods for some time. About a year and a half ago, I bought a 60 gig unit… the classic white and the largest capacity unit that Ultimate Electronics had on hand. It was an iPod Photo—that short-lived designation that went away as soon as they all became capable of displaying photos.
Later, about a year ago, I bought a video iPod. A black one. I ordered it the day that video iPods were announced.
I kept it and lent the white one to my Flower.
Well, she just found an iPod Nano she loved, so the white one has come back to me.
It occurred to me then, that I could put my music back on the white one, and put some… video stuff on the other. You know, because it can play video. And stuff.
Apparently, my Flower was on the same wavelength.
She said, "You can have your white iPod back, and your black one can be your Mobile Porn Unit. Your MPU!"
So, yeah… My Black As My iPod is now full of teh Pr0n. It's my new MPU.
And that makes me all warm inside.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:52 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
October 19, 2006
On Boredom and 'Blogging
Well, here's the thing: when I read someone saying "I'm bored," I interpret that as saying "Entertain me." I realize that's my own reaction and I'm responsible for that. I'm also admitting that I have co-dependant tendencies and I want to fix things for people.
Experience has taught me that people who say they are bored are the most difficult people in the world to please on any level. Boredom, like so many other emotions, is a key indicator that something in your life needs to be addressed. No amount of entertainment is going to erase the reason those feelings arose.
As unhealthy as it may be, my anger is an attempt for me to distance myself from others' problems.
The previous post was inspired by a young woman who posted on an alternative modeling site "I was bored, so I took these pictures." The post was accompanied with several self-portraits.
I wanted to punch her in the throat.
I felt like she was saying "I am so alt! Look at me suffering ennui!"
Listen honey, there is nothing alt about boredom. It just makes you human. Normal even like the normals I'll bet you despise. So fuck you very much for the pictures.
So if you are bored with your job, or with classes, or your relationships, I get that. I get it. I've been there and I know how that feels.
But let's look at why you are bored. If you don't know why, that's your problem. I'm not your bitch. I'm not jumping through hoops for you.
Suck it up. And get away from me.
That's right, I said it.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:18 AM :: Submit. [+]
October 13, 2006
If Only I Could Play…
I really have no excuse now. I just got a yamaha electric guitar from a friend for free…
Electric guitar… Electric bass… Practice amp…
All I need is some street cred and some groupies!
Just kidding.
Kinda…
[+] Posted by Sinner at 5:14 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
October 1, 2006
Thinking About How I Used to Write
Listen, I know I don't really write the pr0n like I used to.
The reason is not so much that I'm not interested in doing it any more, because I think about it frequently.
The main reason is that my lifestyle is a lot different now than it was three or four years ago when I was doing it most actively.
The primary difference is that I'm not spending 4 to 6 hours a night in front of my computer with my cock in my hand. By the way, that's a really excellent way to wreck a marriage. Or if you're there, the marriage is pretty wrecked. Either way.
At any rate, I was pretty emotionally and intellectually involved with what I was writing and that took a lot of time and energy I can't devote quite the same way now. I honestly have angst about that sometimes—that I developed an audience for a certain style of writing and that I haven't delivered in a long time.
On the other hand…
The writing here has put me in a place where I have more sexual integrity than I used to have. Does that seem weird to say? I am moving gently, as is my style, into BDSM. It has been and still remains an amazing journey. What is most amazing to me is peeling back the layers of artificial Nice-Guy crap I've built up from childhood. The shouldn'ts and the shame I have subjected myself to lo these many years.
It's one thing to look at hardcore porn and fantasize. It's entirely another to have a partner with whom I can do those things. Who desires me in that way. Who likes porn as much as I do. I really don't have words to express how satisfying and reassuring that has been for me.
I feel like I have been living more.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 4:10 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
September 30, 2006
Driver License Is/Is Not Valid
:: sigh ::
So I took the day off without pay Friday. I went to court at my appointed time of 8:30 and I think it was more than 2 hours after that before I could even speak with the prosecutor.
I chose to resolve the issue that day. I could have chosen to have a trial but I didn't feel like it was appropriate.
Here's the chain of events:
In January I got stopped for speeding. 74 in a 55. During that period, I was selling possessions to make rent, so I put off paying the fine.
In March, because I didn't pay the fine, my license was suspended.
In June, I was stopped for speeding again. 40 in a 30 zone. The officer did me a favor that night. He only cited me for speeding and driving on a suspended license. He could have impounded my car, but he didn't. He believed me when I told him I was broke. But he noted things like my Cadillac, my Treo, and my iPod and scolded me. I felt shamed.
In August, I finally managed to pay the second speeding ticket. I did not appear in court, although technically I should have. Because my fine was paid, they charged me about $85 for not appearing but took no additional action against me. They could have and rightly. I didn't realize how critical it was that I appeared. Nor did I realize the seriousness of being caught without a valid license.
At the beginning of September, I was stopped a third time. As I posted previously, it was only because the officer chose to run my plate. I don't know why. But it came back to him showing the owner had a suspended license. So he stopped me.
This resulted in my car being impounded and a court summons—that I satisfied Friday.
I guess if there is a moral to this story, it is "Pay your fines." Or maybe "Obey the God-damned traffic laws." Or, at the least, "Don't try this at home."
Because all of my bravado of late about obeying the speed limits to the letter didn't mean a thing.
And let's face it, big brother is paying attention.
But, oh! Yeah…
The hearing.
I plead guilty. After getting stopped a second time, I didn't feel I could convincingly lie about not knowing my license was suspended.
No discount then on the fine. I paid the full $300 for a misdemeanor, plus an additional $75 fee. Prior to Friday, I was not aware the court room is a fine revenue-enhancement tool. Thousands were collected in the short time I was in the room.
I was also sentenced to 30 days in the "work house." That was stayed for a year—of probation. Unless I am charged with any "same or similar" offense.
So… I can drive today. But shortly I will get a letter detailing for how long I cannot drive.
On the plus side… public transportation is just fine. My iPod and sleep are my friends.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:37 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
September 10, 2006
Turn on the Game, Baby. Let's Get Drunk!
Fuck, man.
This has been the year of eeking by.
I owe money to family and friends. And creditors.
But today I had to go further into the red again.
Little speeding ticket I put off paying — you know, because I need to have a place to sleep and food to eat. I'm kind of a diva that way…
I mean, it's not as bad as all that, but it has been really tough for me personally this year. I've had to sell possesions to make rent a few times. It has been really humbling. Lots of other problems mean nothing when it's not clear if rent will be there or not.
And I'm not stupid. I get that this is all fallout from decisions made and actions taken or not taken. Opportunities squandered.
And I'm trying really, really hard to be a hell of a lot more grateful for what I have. I'm serious.
But fuck. I didn't even do anything visibly wrong and a nice officer ran my plates to find the owner, me, had a suspended license.
So he pulled me over and towed my car. Like he's supposed to. I know. I shouldn't have been driving. I knew my license was suspended. But I thought if I was a good boy and obeyed all traffic laws up to and including every posted speed limit… Yeah. *Nope.* They have really fucking sophisticated PC terminals now. If I had one of those there would be no end to the mobile porn I would be viewing. So it's nothing to run a plate or a license. I saw it with my own eyes.
Today I scambled. Had to get money and a pair of people to get me to the police station so I could prove ownership and insurance, then over to the towing company. Because any day I delayed was an extra $25 on the tab. I had a two hour window today in which to extricate my beloved Deville.
So I'm finding two things. Despite the fact that it was actually a cheap used car… no financial sympathy for Cadillac owners. And? What kind of person drives a Gold Cadillac? Apparently, It's not your Elvis' Cadillac anymore. ;)
I just wanted to rant.
So I have my car safely in the drive and I'm not doing anything else today. Fuck it.
I'm drinking my Newcastles while my baby watches the game.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 3:01 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
August 24, 2006
Boy! Do I Miss Spare Time!
I'm sorry I haven't injected more that the occasional comment of late. I've been working two jobs and haven't had a day off for a while.
I only have to make it until Saturday. Then I can crash.
I miss you, Flower.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:14 AM :: Submit. [+]
August 12, 2006
Turning The Pleasure Principle On Its Head
I was blown away last night.
First of all, I came home from a long day at work to find my love waiting for me. In the bedroom.
Life is really good.
And then, albeit with some trepidation, I went to see Gary Numan play at the Fine Line.
It was a sort of homecoming for me. The first piece of music I ever bought with my own money, without asking permission, without getting it approved by my parents, was a 45 RPM single of his song "Cars." The song was released in 1978. I bought it a few years after that.
Flash forward ten years and I was reacquainted with him via my friend Chuck at the record store. We listened to Gary's first album "The Pleasure Principle" in the store and at his apartment. Chuck was my gateway to a lot of excellent music, old and new. I still like new wave stuff. It still lives actively in my life.
I finally bought The Pleasure Principle on CD several years ago. I like the track "Films" the most.
But honestly, my knowledge of Gary Numan began and ended with that album.
A few months ago, I found out about Gary Numan coming to Minneapolis and my reaction was more about curiosity. I also found out about Zero 7 coming (in September) and I was more excited about that, initially.
What I knew for sure was that I would hear a few tracks from that first album. But I honestly didn't know what to expect stylistically. My friend Chuck told me that later albums had more of a jazz-fusion sound to his ears.
There was no jazz fusion last night.
So take The Pleasure Principle, filter it through 1990s Belgian techno with pulsing and trilling square-wave synth lines, then add heavy doses of industrial percussion and crunchy guitar and maybe you'll end up with something like the awesome wash of sound I was presented with tonight.
I expected moodiness during the show. There was that. Lots of primary-colored lighting and brilliant white. I expected electronics, and there was plenty of that, too. One fellow behind a rack of keyboards and effects reminded me of Praga Kahn or Lords of Acid with his nearly-shaved head and dark glasses. I even expected the black hair and eye-liner that I could see on several of the boys in the band, Gary included. There was a bassist, drummer, guitarist and keyboardist. The bass-player did double-duty as a keyboard player in some songs.
What I did not expect was the confidence and bravado I witnessed. Gary was a much better showman than I ever expected. The numbers were tight and he seemed aware of exactly what the other musicians were doing at all times.
I also didn't expect that Gary would not play keyboards. I mean, isn't that his thing? All his signature lines were played by others. He played electric guitar for two songs. Really.
I have to think, if New Wave music had come out of the gates swinging and hitting hard like Gary did at last night's show, there would have been a lot more converts in the U.S. and history would have been different.
Or maybe I'm just being sentimental.
And yeah, he played "Cars." First song of his encore set. He rocked it. Hard. I thought his expression after that song ended was really telling. Somehow it said to me "Yeah, I know." Like he knew that's what brought us to the show. Like he knew that he still had it. Honestly I would have been disappointed if he had played it any earlier.
What else surprised me? He had no visible piercings nor any ink. That's right, no tattoos to speak of. The only jewely appeared to be a wedding ring.
But I have to say this, if I was to film a remake of the movie The Hunger, I would pick Gary and his band for the opening scene. All I'm saying the show was goth-friendly enough that it would work.
And lastly, even though I only knew three songs out of the set, and not necessarily the best ones of the night, not by a long shot, there were several times when the relentless voice in my head was overcome. The sound and the light just washed over me. Just washed. I closed my eyes and moved in a trance.
It's been a long time and it felt wonderful.
And the Fine Line was small enough that it felt intimate. I felt like I made eye-contact with several band-mambers and Gary. Felt connected in those moments.
I'm at home in my living room as I write this. I just got a text message from my good friend that he got a picture with Gary and an autograph.
"Yeah, you rule!" I said. "But I'm blogging it first."
Diablo, were you there?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:06 AM :: 2 Submissives [+]
August 7, 2006
It's Sexy as Hell
When she likes sexy lingerie.
And she's excited about getting more.
And I get to shop with her.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:09 AM :: 5 Submissives [+]
August 6, 2006
Apparently I'm a Scary Guy
I don't mean to wig people out.
And I know you know about my low self-esteem issues, poor self-observation and etc.
But apparently when a 6' 2", 250 lb guy starts acting angry, people begin to worry.
I just really have no clue how much I affect people.
I'm sorry.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:33 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
July 31, 2006
A Sort of Personal Best
Last night, I went from a flaccid state to ejaculation within about a minute, which is extraordinarily rare for me. As you may know, I've always enjoyed surfing the crest of the orgasmic wave for as long as possible.
But last night, we had been in several positions already and sometimes I have to take a short break during the festivites…
After one such short break, she put her mouth on my right nipple and touched the other with her hand.
Ding!
After stroking myself a few times I came all over.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:45 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
July 30, 2006
The Things People Tell You at Work
So I was talking to the 40-Year-Old-Teenager at work last night. Apparently she's taking an online curriculum in sexuality. She called it "Sexology."
But anyway, she said people need to masturbate more often. She suggested that women should climax as many as four times a day for optimum emotional health. She said guys should aim for twice a day.
She said that one reason teenagers have such emotional issues is because they're not coming nearly enough.
So I gotta go… I'm behind…
[+] Posted by Sinner at 7:33 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
July 26, 2006
Happy Birthday to Me!
Do I get a birthday kiss?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:49 AM :: 12 Submissives [+]
July 17, 2006
Rebuilding
Life is a lot different now.
I really haven't felt so positively about my own life or my future as I have in the last few months.
It really changes the character of what I feel compelled to write about when the woman I'm with likes my porn as much as I do.
When there's complete acceptance of me.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:01 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
June 22, 2006
The Longest Day
I hope you had a lovely Solstice.
Were you able to participate in any rites? Or at least partake in some of the ancient traditions?
I ate a Flower…
And spread some seed…
[+] Posted by Sinner at 3:19 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
June 20, 2006
Love the Bookstore, Hate the Wages
It's easy work.
When I work the Information Desk, I look stuff up on computers for customers. Is it in the store? Does another store have it? Can we order it? How soon can we get it?
And I love the wierd questions. When I find out we have some obtuse category of books I didn't know about before. Or when I suddenly become aware of a new author or a new line of thought. Being able to do personal research in the store while getting paid is the shit.
Working the café side is real easy, too. Once you've learned the recipe for the basic coffee drinks or freezes, the rest is just mix and match. There is no real food prep other than the occasional reheating. The hardest part is all the cleaning that has to be done at night. But as long as you stay on top of it, it's no big deal either. There aren't any real surprises and speculating on what kinds of customers will or won't tip is a source of personal amusement with every transaction.
And I love my coworkers. Love them. They all act happy to see me when I walk in. Everyone seems to like some face time with me to chat. That's cool as hell.
But the hourly rate is about one third of what I'm making during the day while contracting. The contract I'm on may last until the end of August. There's talk of extending it past that. There's also talk of a different employer with a better chance at permanent work. Either way, my income is about as secure as it's going to be for the forseeable future.
Given the now 60-mile roundtrip to the bookstore and back, given that it takes about an hour to pay for the gas it takes to drive there, given the hourly wage is so ridiculously low, I think it's just time. I've been prolonging this for long enough, I think.
Can you tell I'm trying to work up the courage to quit? Isn't that funny? It wouldn't matter if I didn't like the people there, but I do.
But this is for me.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:42 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
I Hate Working Two Jobs
I don't like it at all.
No, sir! I don't like it!
That's it. The book store has got to go.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:43 AM :: 3 Submissives [+]
June 16, 2006
Remember the Hammock
On the hill behind the house, under the trees.
We lay on the hammock, holding each other sweetly.
The air was wonderfully warm and comfortable. The breeze was gentle.
I told her I wanted a family, and I asked her if she would be willing to have children with a man like me.
She said "Yes."
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:53 AM :: 5 Submissives [+]
June 14, 2006
Mental Masturbation
Sometimes I don't understand me. Which is to say I imagine myself to not be like other males.
I'm not speedy when it comes to sex.
Some of that seems to be just getting into a headspace where I can relax and be in the moment.
And sometimes, that doesn't seem to happen. Or I just get frustrated and angry before it does. That's sexy.
Occasionally I wish I could turn my thoughts off, to turn off that conscious core that keeps chattering away when I would rather be fucking.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 7:24 AM :: 4 Submissives [+]
June 7, 2006
Sometimes I Really Have to Fight for It.
Today is a gorgeous, sunny day here in Minnesota. Not a cloud in the sky and temperatures so far are only in the mid 70s.
Even with the radiant sun streaming down on me, I have to fight depression. Some days it just nags at me, pulling me down and disturbing my equilibrium.
Nervousness, anxiety and fear are frequent and unwanted companions. I don't want them today. They are needy and I don't feel strong.
I'm really trying hard to be aware of it and not in it—to feel it but not succumb.
There is so much beauty in the world and I have so much to be thankful for!
Some days it's so hard to hang on.
I'm hoping that acknowledging the hurt will lessen its grip on me.
Today I hurt. I'm not sure why, but I do.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:24 AM :: 8 Submissives [+]
June 3, 2006
Mmmm… Maidens tied to the mast…
Admission: I toured a castle a week ago. Later in its life it was a prison, among other things.
One set of room was specifically a women's prison.
The quarters were tiny and cramped. There were still sketches on the wall from the prisoners.
Part of the informational display included the photographic work of a female artist. She had composed many images of women in period dress, representing the former prisoners. There were depictions of women bound, whipped, in stocks, being forced to kneel for long periods…
I know that as an enlightened male, I was supposed to feel pathos and empathize with the plight of women throughout recorded history.
But I was aroused.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:24 AM :: 9 Submissives [+]
June 1, 2006
"Doesn't He Look Like a Pirate?"
An elderly woman and her friend where I work have formed this opinion of me.
She's sent me some email as the result of my working out a tech support issue with her. I thought about quoting her directly… But it's too crazy how she's been gushing.
It's cute yet embarrassing.
I should note that my hair has been getting longer. Been pulling it into a pony-tail (with the help of a bit of gel and hairspray).
I also have been wearing a goatee.
With that and my propensity to wear black… well, there you go.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:21 AM :: 9 Submissives [+]