"Sinner transgressed by thinking evil." Category Archive
June 9, 2008
Aw, C'mon!
OK, so today Miss Angel Wings has braided her hair.
Two braids. In front of her shoulders.
Guess where the braids end.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 7:30 PM :: 5 Submissives [+]
June 2, 2008
Almost There, But Not Quite
I find myself wishing that Twitter had gone live about 5 years ago. Based on the simple browsers available on phones today, it is the perfect mobile format. What's more, you can have Tweets from folks you follow sent via SMS to your mobile. It is a perfect way to be public yet private and intimate simultaneously.
If I could have done then what I can do now, BAMS would likely have never been a blog. A majority of my early Blogger posts would have worked really well in that format, as would some of my serial short story experiments.
The Twitter paradigm (or something like it) really needs to be exploited for erotic ends, though I would suggest that while nothing in the Twitter Terms of Service says that you can't do it, there is nothing that says they won't delete accounts or content at will, either.
At any rate, while I have thought often about Tweeting as Sinner, it's premature. I would like guarantees that I just don't see.
Can you hear me knocking?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:48 PM :: 6 Submissives [+]
May 30, 2008
What I Should Have Said
A young woman at work was walking around with a jewelry ad torn from a magazine. Specifically, it was a large picture of a very specific ring design. I don't remember the make and I thought it looked hideous so I've been trying to block it out.
But she was asking people, "If I put this on my boyfriend's car seat, do you think he will know what it means?"
Internally I shuddered. But I kept my poker face. I simply nodded "Yes."
I wish I would have said "It means you are a princess."
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:51 PM :: 11 Submissives [+]
May 17, 2008
Being Quiet
I've been wrestling with dark moods again.
On Friday I started to consider therapy and medications again.
Briefly.
Then I remembered the pain and hassle of monthly or bi-weekly or weekly appointments. First, and regularly, with the psychiatrist for simple med checks, and then even more with the prescribed therapy. Trying to convince the therapist you are for real. Figuring out the therapist has no clue, either. The endless trips to the pharmacy. The insurance bureaucracy. The pill-minders. The relentless schedule. The loss of erections.
And that's a layer of crap I just don't want or need in my life right now.
I'll change a lot on my own to avoid all of that, thank you very much.
Sometimes the help you can get is not the kind of help you need.
Moving on.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:11 PM :: 5 Submissives [+]
April 12, 2008
Snow, Yet Still
As far into spring as we are, there are still vestigial snow drifts in the yard that have not melted away.
I've found myself at times imagining a cross between Narnia and Middle Earth. A Winter Witch has sent the continuous weather this way and her voice, the spell, is audible in the wind.
But even as the snow is still falling, there are flowers in the garden who insist they must reach for the sun and their green shoots have already come forth. And the snow melts where it lands.
I tell myself I wouldn't mind so much if it was rain, being the April showers that bring May flowers. The fact of the matter is that I want my yard to dry out and firm up. And I miss being in the sun.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:22 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
February 21, 2008
Are Mid-Westerners Naturally Mashochistic?
Every Winter, come mid-February, after we've weathered a few wicked cold snaps, we begin to wonder why on God's green Earth would anyone choose to live here?
The beautiful, crystalline, sunlit days and brilliant, moonlit nights are also always the coldest.
The cloudy and gray days are some of the most comfortable, especially for Winter play.
Tonight, as I write this, after the full Snow Moon has been eclipsed and emerged brilliant and victorious, it is 6 degrees below zero. And falling.
Gorgeous night.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:14 AM :: 3 Submissives [+]
February 14, 2008
St. Valentine's Day
It seems that it is hip to be against holidays anymore.
But I am not.
Sure, plenty in my life could make me crass and bitter, but I resist.
So I have celebrated with my love, and I will continue to celebrate today. And I will continue to celebrate in my way.
I try to enjoy every day, but I also take advantage of the opportunities I am given: for love, for joy, for sensuality.
Say what you will about romantics and fools. I do not regret taking a day off from work, having a beautiful bouquet of tulips, lilies and mums in my living room, or spending time with the woman I love.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:05 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
January 22, 2008
Spelling
Gotta thank Google for pointing out to me a spelling error I made in 2004.
Apparently I used to post without a great deal of proofing! Suffice it to say, the error was corrected at long last.
Reading the older posts makes me remember how I used to feel.
Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't the meds talking--but then I know that it was real, whatever it was, and very much on my mind all of the time.
And then I remember that I wouldn't trade what I have.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:13 PM :: Submit. [+]
November 3, 2007
I Don't Know the Answer to This One
I'm finding myself wondering with increasing frequency why those things in Western society that we characterize as "Adult" need to be hidden.
We spend our childhoods waiting for and imagining the wonderful world that awaits us as free, self-directing adults. But I can't help but think it was false advertising, because in truth we are really expected to keep those adult desires under wraps.
Call me on this if I am wrong.
But let me conjecture that protecting children by limiting me is less about children than it is protecting the world (illusions) we have created for them.
I want to be a father, but this is something that I really struggle with. I want healthy children. I do want them exposed to the world. I don't want to cause damage.
But I don't want childhood enforced. Not from me or from society.
I'm having a really hard time putting this into words. And I'm not sure if I'm making much sense.
And maybe where I'm coming from is that I have been disabused of so many of the ideals that were either foisted on me or that I had adopted in good faith.
The kids who are on environmental and moral and vice crusades are going to be really disappointed and possibly fucked up when their actions in 10 years fly in the face of how they are taught to judge people today.
Is there a way to reveal the world gradually to developing humans that is more realistic?
Is there a way to have integrity with your word and actions, honoring your children at their stage of life while still honoring your own needs and desires as an adult?
Or is subterfuge and illusion the best we have to offer?
Comments are now closed on this post due to spamming.~S
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:02 AM :: 5 Submissives [+]
October 28, 2007
It's Hard to Stand By and Watch
I was clicking through links on Cunning Linguists the other night. There are a lot of new sites there, but I was happy to see some of the sites that have been around for a while are still online. One seemed particularly familiar and I went to check out her style of writing. It seemed like I had linked to her once long ago, or maybe I didn't. I don't know.
But there it was. It was a little too much like reading a chapter out of my own life. She was in counseling and was going to seek treatment for sexual addiction.
I wanted to leave a comment and to fill her head with questions, to shout "No, don't fall for it!"
Like really good friends here tried to do for me.
But I remember. I didn't listen.
It took me years, a divorce and lots of time on my own to see how much I was not living my life for myself. That the sexual activity I was pursuing helped me to get through the other shit. And I will grant you that plenty of the shit was inside my own head.
I'm not trying to say that the sexual activity was all benign. I was obviously behaving in some ways that were destructive to my primary relationship.
By then, it was too late. Emotionally I had checked out of my life and my marriage. I was definitely just going through the motions.
Instead of prolonging the inevitable, instead of not wanting to hurt anyone, instead of punishing myself for having real and true feelings that did not agree with the life I was leading, I should have opted out sooner. That would have been the honorable thing to do.
I played at honor for a long time, and that hollowed me out. I pushed down my own intuition, my own desires and my thoughts for so long that I was completely lost. I'm still working on recovering who I am as a man.
I suppose the therapy was useful to me. I learned that in a room full of alleged addicts, my actions were no better or worse than any other in that room. My desires were no less normal than anyone in that room.
I learned that I can't feel more healthy by suppressing desire or lust, or any other aspect of myself.
Ultimately, I did not comment on the other blogger's site.
I can't just assume that she is in the same place I was, or that she will arrive in the same place as me. She and I are not on the same journey, similar though they may be.
If she does wish to search on the topic of sexual addiction, she may see some of the posts on my site that talk about it, or she may not. And that's not going to be up to me. She has to see in her own way in her own time. My own wishing for a certain outcome is not going to help her any more than what her therapists wish or her partner wishes. And that is why she is there in the first place.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:47 AM :: Submit. [+]
October 22, 2007
Neutrality as Applied to Life: Some Incomplete Thoughts
Recently I began to wonder if the paradigm of the internet and freedom of access will trickle down into our lives.
We have learned that firewalls are not impenetrable. Further, they can be compromised from within.
We have learned that censorship is simply a blocked avenue, and other avenues can be found.
And we are learning that the value of communities is undermined and diminished when we place universal limits on expression, interaction and sharing.
On the internet, the ideal seems to be network neutrality, an extraordinarily egalitarian philosophy if ever there was one: all information has equal importance, all requests have equal importance, access to all information is equivalent.
I believe that the internet will lead to additional social evolution. Limits to freedom will be less tolerable. Limits to knowledge will be less tolerable. Limits to communication will be less tolerable.
We will see that this whole experience we're having is less about you and me and a lot more about us.
And so it is that I have high hopes that sexuality and its many flowers will be allowed to flourish, that it will be anticipated and accepted that there is variety, and that limits will not be tolerated.
Such are the thoughts of the optimistic pervert.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:22 PM :: Submit. [+]
September 21, 2007
Deprogramming/Reprogramming/Creature of Habit
Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, has written a great deal in The Dilbert Blog about his intense belief that humans are but moist robots. We do what we do out of biological imperatives and social conditioning. He is not the only human who believes this, but his writing is very amusing and I prefer to read his take on it than a perspective that was purely scientific. He certainly writes on a myriad of other topics, but today the moist robot thing is on my mind.
What I have noticed a great deal lately, and especially in the time since my divorce, is that I have yet to change they way I react to emotional situations. I shame myself as I might have when I was married because I assume everyone will react to my imagined transgressions the same way my ex-wife might have.
I'm not trying to say that I was healthy and reacting in a healthy fashion in the past.
What I'm saying is that those reactions, the self-degradation and shame I bathed in, are all right there. The triggers are different and fewer, but those programs are still resident in memory. I can't delete them. If I can take the analogy further, I need the root password so I can sudo in and kill the processes and the delete executables.
It's one thing to understand that I can change. It's quite another to actually do it. Or, back to my analogy, I don't have a program that does that.
So how does one learn to do things in a new way? How do I act in a way I have never acted before?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:01 AM :: 10 Submissives [+]
September 20, 2007
Working Man
I want to be like the guy in Office Space.
I aspire to do nothing.
Ugh.
Working two jobs sucks and blows!
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:27 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
September 14, 2007
Art or Porn?
I think I've figured it out with regard to photographic images that depict female nudity.
If it's art, the woman's gaze must be averted, or her eyes or gaze must be concealed or cropped out of the image.
In porn, the woman is showing emotional involvement. Pleasure, revulsion, anger, whatever it is that someone might get off on. As often as not, her eyes look into the camera lens.
Generalizations, I know--I'm certain there may be notable exceptions, but does this jibe with your experience?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:27 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
July 4, 2007
Blogging
Is a weird phenomena.
It's not necessarily a form of communication. It's not necessarily a form of broadcasting or publishing. It's not necessarily a way to catapult yourself to stardom. It's not a way to find a mate or a hook-up.
And yet I know that it can be all of these things.
It is distancing and intensely personal.
It's shockingly easy. It's amazingly difficult to be consistent.
I was struck with these thoughts as I clicked through my list of links. So many people with amazing voices and points of view come and go. Some sites just suddenly disappear. Domain names are released, blogs are deleted or abandoned.
It's like when a good friend moves away. Without telling you.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 4:12 PM [+]
June 8, 2007
Twice In Two Weeks, I Have Wanted to Delete This Site
But I didn't, and I don't expect I will.
You see, I get really wrapped up in what I imagine the expectations of others might be.
Then I compare myself to these imaginary expectations and I imagine that I am not measuring up, or that I can't be for you what you want me to be.
Today, I have absolved myself of this.
You will make of my words what you want, and that is as it should be.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:36 PM :: 10 Submissives [+]
April 9, 2007
Code of Conduct/Ethics for Bloggers
Nope.
Not here.
Be yourself. Please.
I am not a journalist. I'm a guy who thinks things and writes some of them online.
Thank you for reading.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:43 PM :: Submit. [+]
March 8, 2007
Impractical Shoes
I've seen a lot of women trudging through the Minnesota winter in really amazing shoes that were not designed for the kind of weather we have this time of year.
God Bless 'em.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:17 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
January 30, 2007
I'm Really Angry with Myself
I feel like I should be doing more creative work.
I don't know what that means, but I feel agitated and I'm not sure what to do about it.
Whatever it is, I feel like I'm not doing enough.
And there is the poisonous word "should," that I just wrote—comparing myself against some ideal which implies that I reject the idea that I am good enough already.
I am for the moment at a loss.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:47 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
January 27, 2007
HD-DVD Won't Kill Porn at All.
Lately, some people seem to think that for some reason HD video will make porn go away.
That's just silly.
People are always going to want to see fucking.
Certainly, it's not as accurate or lifelike as photography. And we all know photography killed pornography.
And, let's face it. HD video is only half way there. It uses 1 pixel of color for every two pixels of black-and-white, as opposed to current analog TV, which stretches 1 pixel of color across 4 pixels of black and white.
We ain't seen nothin' yet.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:58 AM :: Submit. [+]
January 5, 2007
Human Nature, Sociology and the Color of Sex Blogs
I like to think of myself as artistic, if not autistic, and I spent a lot of time picking the colors I used for this site. I arrived at this decision in part by stealing ideas from templates I liked and in part from choosing colors that resonated with me due to my disposition and the topic at hand.
I certainly can't speak for all cultures in all places and times, but I have noticed increasingly that bloggers writing on emotionally charged issues and on sexuality make some similar decisions. In the small sphere of English-speaking web journals and blogs on sexuality that I have been exposed to, I notice a lot of black. Further, I see a lot of red.
Somehow, when it all boils down, it seems like there is no faster way to communicate "This is not a mainstream, Web 2.0 site" than using the colors red and black.
I see this especially in the sites that delve seriously into alternative lifestyles, such as BDSM and fetish sites, and the current crossover into the increasingly dilute Goth scene.
I'm not saying that we're copying one-another, and there are certainly noticeable exceptions like Erosblog. Eros' choice of yellow rather suits his light-hearted presentation of things sexual.
Nor am I saying that there's a thing wrong with using any color for any reason. I have just become self-conscious of late. I like to think that I *chose* my colors, that I copied no one. But I don't know any more.
I just wonder if there isn't something to this whole human-nature thing, after all.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:32 PM :: 9 Submissives [+]
December 22, 2006
Philadelphia Airport's Terminal F
These are some helpful slogans I thought of while walking from terminal D to terminal F.
Terminal F: Bring provisions.
Terminal F: You're not there yet.
Terminal F: Just keep walking.
Terminal F: There is a reason we have shuttles.
Terminal F: The "F" stands for "Fucking Far."
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:38 AM :: 3 Submissives [+]
December 19, 2006
Dear Victoria's Secret Models
Please eat a sandwich.
You're all too thin. It's a God-damned shame you all need miracle bras to look like you have cleavage.
By the way? Nice shoes.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:25 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
December 15, 2006
When Did This Happen?
I notice over and over again at this company that women are wearing amazing stiletto-heeled dress and evening shoes.
To work. All day long.
Have I mentioned this before?
I guess I'm used to seeing women in more sensible walking shoes or flats. Or maybe I anticipated that fewer women were wearing heels after spending years living with a staunch feminist who argued that high-heeled shoes were The Man's way of keeping women off balance—unable to run or to pursue. That I couldn't be blamed for eroticizing them because of the dominant paradigm brain-washing me and my maleness.
And yet, Oprah herself, Western culture's real-life epitome of the empowered woman is not ashamed of admitting her love of the stiletto. And Sex in the City featured characters who were not ashamed of lavishing much income on shoes.
So I don't know if it's a phenomenon isolated to this company or not. I haven't been out much lately. I'm just returning to the corporate world after a three-year absence. But I'm thinking that for some women, these sexy stiletto shoes are the new power shoe.
I love it.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:58 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
November 30, 2006
Until My Puzzler Was Sore
I have been thinking a lot about the nature of my writing here.
A. Lot.
This place has been such a refuge at times. It has been a lover and a confidant.
I think about the huge amounts of time I have spent here and wonder sometimes if it's for naught.
It makes some sense if I do it out of a sense of community, camaraderie, or friendship. Are you my friends and my comrades? Are you lovers and confidants?
Or… As I fear greatly from the work I have been doing proofing and categorizing old posts… Am I a spectacle and you're waiting for the crash-and-burn?
I have to admit I am of a split disposition where Black As My Soul is concerned.
One train of thought is that it's complete. I can't make it any more of what it was to me when I began. I don't hate myself like I did when I began, so I am less comfortable calling myself "Soulless," You know?
Another train of thought is to do nothing. Keep the site alive. Don't say anything unless you can say something nice. And when I'm ready to write again I can pick up where I left off.
I love this place. Although sometimes I feel I have outgrown it, it is still very comfortable like an old favorite blanket that I can pull around myself for comfort when I need it.
And finally, what if it's a really good tool to continually urge my personal development forward? What if I need it to keep some amount of creativity and expression in my life?
You see, I don't have any answers to these questions yet.
Just a few days ago I thought to myself, "I'm never writing here again. Just let it fade away."
But I can't let go.
I read a lot of things online that really make me think and feel.
I realize that I have not been an excellent friend to those who have written to me here. I have done a terrible job of maintaining contact. I have terrible guilt about that. I have tried in some cases to communicate… but I fear the moment is gone. What *was* is not what *is.* People have moved along and circumstances have changed.
Suffice it to say, I miss you.
I hope you are well.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:29 AM :: 8 Submissives [+]
Walking from the Parking Lot This Morning
Have I mentioned I work in a vast facility with a vast parking lot?
At any rate, only two things were on my mind whilst I hurried to the shelter of the building.
- It's really annoying, when you're "going commando," when the seam between the legs of your pants chafes your testicles with each step.
- Holy fuck is it cold. The temperature when I left my house was 8 degrees Fahrenheit. Add wind and you have one hell of a chill. Welcome to Winter in Minnesota.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:23 AM :: Submit. [+]
November 8, 2006
Labels and Scenes
Is it just me?
It seems like going to check out a "goth" website is a lot like checking out an "alternative" web site which is a lot like what I see on so-called "fetish" sites.
Now, sexy is good, and more sexy is better… but which is which anymore? There is so much cross-talk. I realize that often interest in one of those scenes implies interest in the others, but it's not always or necessarily even generally the case. So… why is it so diffuse?
Who carries the Goth torch highest? What does it mean anymore?
And why does anyone who wears all-black think they are part of a subculture?
Maybe I'm just being catty. I just don't know what's really different anymore. I see so much variety and I've seen so many shapes and sizes that I don't see sharp divisions.
Or really, I don't want to see the same pictures on every third web site.
What flavor are you?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:27 PM :: Submit. [+]
If the Coach Is A-Rockin'
Hmm… That red velvet interior of the coach…
In my mind's eye I see restraints and blindfolds.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:22 PM :: Submit. [+]
September 24, 2006
My Little Yoni
Forgive the play on words! ;)
A while back, perhaps even years ago, I started to see the figures and depictions of the Virgin Mary in terms of a resemblance to female anatomy, specifically the vulva and the folds of the labia.
This has a lot to do with the significant amounts of porn stills that I have downloaded or otherwise have viewed and or consumed. I have seen a lot of vulva. Frankly, this is why I look at porn. I desire views of vulva.
Nevertheless, I would swear that I posted to this blog along those same lines. I can't prove it though. No amount of searching I've done with words like virgin, Mary, vulva and labia has produced even the briefest post with this subject matter on this blog. Google indicates that I am not alone in these thoughts, and Fleshbot have linked to a site with some spectacular exaples of exactly what I was thinking.
I give you: The Yoniverse's Madonna Code Revealed
[+] Posted by Sinner at 5:54 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
So Many Reasons to Love Fleshbot
I subcribed to their feed, recently.
I had known of them for a long time. It used to be more purely links to porn and babe galleries, and I used them heavily for that.
Now it seems to be a more all purpose blog for all things sexual—with reporting and editorial by Violet Blue and Audacia Ray.
But this is good. And my links have recently grown because of sites they have mentioned.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 5:25 PM :: Submit. [+]
July 28, 2006
Utherverse
I hate it when every blog links to the same story, but I wanted to comment about something I just read. According to CNN, there is a new "adult" social networking site, allegedly patterned after MySpace.
I won't get a MySpace account, and I don't think I will use this new service called Utherverse, either.
For one, I'm already in a committed relationship. I don't want or need a hook-up. If I did, I imagine I would try AFF or Collar-Me. I actually opened an account on Collar-Me a few years ago but I was too timid then to do more than lurk.
The spin in the CNN article was that this new site would protect people because no one under 18 would be allowed to join. Age would be verified by credit card. Even though the article claims they will scour the site for underage postings… I don't think it solves any problems.
Sadly, I know that anyone who wants to fraudulently gain access to the site is going to be able to do it, whether of age or not.
Additionally, while the thought is to protect children from sex and sexuality, this is not going to prevent kids from flocking to MySpace and it is not going to stop predators from trolling there. It just won't have that effect.
I think they should go farther, I think if they want to avoid controversy they would do well to limit the age to 21 and over. But frankly, I have no idea how you can prove to anyone that you are a certain age without ties to some form of material identification such as a passport or certified copy of a birth certificate. I know those can be forged as well.
I hope Utherverse can be successful. I think it's appropriate that like-minded folks can meet without fear or censorship. I think it's appropriate that there are institutions which champion an individual's rights to sexual expression in the manner of his choosing.
What I don't see about Utherverse is a compelling reason to change the "social networking" that I do right here.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:29 PM :: Submit. [+]
Cynical Bastard Wants People To Be More Sexy
Why were the sexiest shoes on the girl who looked like a twelve-year-old?
Why were those girls dancing with their purses? Oh… because the dancefloor is right by the front door and they are smokers. Yeah… I don't smoke tobacco as a rule so those ordinances don't affect me so much. Silly me. But I have to say, while sometimes a woman dancing holding a beer bottle is sexy as fuck, a woman dancing so that her purse stays on her back is not sexy. That looks uptight and matronly. Give it to the boys you're with. God knows they would rather not be on the dance floor anyway.
Speaking of dancing… Last night I saw the band Hookers and Blow again. They play fucking awesome funky, dancy 70s covers. There weren't so many boys sitting at the table. Lots of them were dancing, too. The band was that good!
So yeah, I spent a lot of the night watching the dancing folk. And, while I do believe I can dance… I don't right now because my stomach is a lot bigger than I'd like and I don't think I would be very sexah, you know? So whatever I might say is colored by those things.
But anyway, dancing? So much not about "the moves." Not about "the style" of dance or even the style of music. It is about being the music, whatever it is. My advice is to pick an instrument and follow it. Do moves that correspond in some way to what you are are hearing. If you see something that looks cool in your eyes, steal it. Make it yours.
Do not be afraid to be random or extremely repetive.
Assume that people are looking. Yep, they are. Lots of them wish they had the balls to be moving like you. Some of them are ridiculing you, critiquing you. It's human nature. But in the end, most of them are more worried about *your perception* of them, so let it go.
Lots and lots of dance songs have the instuctions "move your body," "shake yer booty," and "get down." Those are all ways of saying the same thing. The important thing is to do it.
And this morning I find myself regretting that I didn't—at least for a few songs.
There's always next Thursday.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:02 AM :: Submit. [+]
June 11, 2006
Documentary Sex
I bought the documentary Inside Deep Throat some time ago, but only watched it last night for the first time.
The reason I bought it? I'm pervy. I tend to like media with prurient overtones. I still have never seen Deep Throat. I intend to. I would like to buy it one day. That and The Devil in Miss jones, and maybe Behind the Green Door. None of which I have seen, but seem to be prime examples of shot-on-film pornography. Maybe they're not excellent, but they seem to have staying power in our cultural memory.
Anymore, Deep Throat shows nothing that a person with an internet connection and some curiosity hasn't seen. Linda Lovelace did have a talent for taking an entire cock, clearly. The documentary actually did show this once. It's important to the movie and to the subsequent reaction of American culture.
I've taken a lot for granted about sexuality and my ability to practice it more or less as I see fit. But apparently, even in the short span of my lifetime, things used to be a lot worse. The documentary suggests that one subtext of the movie was that it encouraged women to have "clitoral" orgasms, or worse, seek enjoyment from sex. I… I just didn't realize how patriarchal western culture still is. And how much worse it has been. God, how repressed we are!
Speaking of repressed feminine sexuality, I've consumed some other media recently with some related themes. When travelling a few weeks ago, I read The Davinci Code in a single sitting. As a long-time fan of conspiracy theory I was already very familiar with a lot of the ideas presented in the book. None of it shocked me. The story was fun to read although I did anticipate some of the plot twists and later revelations. What I liked was the synthesis of all of the themes and reminders of the many reasons I dislike Christianity. I also appreciated the theme of the sacred feminine.
What I took away from the book was the thought that a woman giving birth is so clearly and obviously miraculous, it's no wonder the feminine was considered sacred. What a simple leap of thought to realize that if a woman is divine, and I am born of a woman… Or if with sexual union I create a life with a woman… Well then, I must be divine, too. What do I need the church for?
So I'll be frank. Increasingly I see religion itself as evil.
The next piece of media I saw was Chronicles of Narnia. While the experience was tempered with a horrible projection system on an aircraft and audio through even crappier headphones… I would say that you can take a pass on the movie. The high point, for me, was Tilda Swinton's portrayal of the Snow Queen. Given the author C. S. Lewis' volume of Christian theoligical writing, I saw the story as yet another allegory of the suppression of the feminine. I know, it's not as simple as that. But I found myself rooting for the queen and being irritated by Aslan's messianic return to life. I had purchased a paperback volume of the series because I wanted to reread it… but now I'm not interested.
A few years ago, I met a pagan woman who is an actively practicing Wiccan. She educated me about her preferred way to practice, with a group that was equally masculine and feminine, with knowledge passing from man to woman or woman to man. She educated me about the athame and the chalice. And she talked with me a little about ritual and ceremony where celebrants were sexual. I'll admit that I was taken aback as much as I was fascinated. I didn't know it was still done. It is. I also really didn't understand the long, long lineage of the practices.
I feel like I understand a lot more of the world I live in now—Why things are done the way they are done. And I don't like it. I feel like I've been robbed because so much about sexuality is villified and demonized. I think it comes down to the fact that I live in a Christian nation and Christian morality has been codified into law.
While I am grateful that movies like Deep Throat gave rise to the porn industry of which I am so fond, watching the documentary about the phenomenons surrounding the movie's release just made me angry. There were a lot of people hopeful that X-Rated films would lead to Hollywood films being more openly sexual. Naturally these hopes were crushed, and they have been again since then with the newer NC-17 rating.
It seems like something more, somehow needs to be done to crack open and cast off these ridiculous fears of sexuality.
Would you agree?
I wanna be a culture jammer.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:32 AM :: 8 Submissives [+]
May 20, 2006
Missing What Was, Wanting For More
It dawned on me today that what I love about blogging and reading blogs is the sense of the personal.
Much of this I realize is inferred. On my part or yours.
But I pulled back emotionally from what I put into this blog some time ago and it really hasn't been the same since.
Part of it I realize is that I haven't been able to contribute to the immediacy as much myself. When I started writing, I kept a window open at all times to dash off a quick horny thought as soon as it occurred to me.
Well, I don't know if I can do that… My work situation is not now as it once was—Privacy and what not.
And I've been trying to keep up on two jobs, so lately when I get home after the second job I have far too few hours left to eat, blog, fuck, and sleep. I usually end up short-changing myself on two of three of those every night. My porn collection is also not growing very quickly anymore…
But I love this blog and what it means to me. It's a badge of my rebirth.
I'm sorry if I alienated you some time ago with my talk of sexual addiction. I think it was just one more sign of how I was willing to be convinced there was something wrong with me.
On the other hand, coming through the experience, I feel like I'm stronger and better able to know for myself what is good and right.
Sex and sexuality is good and right. Worthy of worship and praise and thanksgiving. It is the reason we are here and maybe the purpose for which we exist. Maybe. To love and to breed love. You know?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 6:02 PM :: 4 Submissives [+]
May 8, 2006
OK. When It's Rainy and You're Being Cautious…
Get the fuck out of the left lane.
Don't tap your brakes, asshat.
I shouldn't have to pass you on the right.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:03 PM :: 2 Submissives [+]
April 20, 2006
Desktop Tech Support Rant
Will you please not store thousands of personal photographs on your work computer?
I don't think it's fair for me to spend hours babysitting the copying process from an old PC to a new one just because you haven't gotten around to burning them to CD or whatever.
Plus? Why would you risk someone seeing that much of your personal life? Your work PC is just not private.
So, just stop. Please.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:32 PM :: Submit. [+]
April 18, 2006
I've Noticed a Pattern
The girls who ask how to say my name—
They're the ones that tip best.
They drop bills in the jar when they think I'm not looking.
When I give them their change, they'll drop the coins in as well.
You love telling me what you want, don't you, baby.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:58 PM :: 12 Submissives [+]
April 2, 2006
"I Look So Good in Black…"
That's the last line of an Elvis Costello song from an album that's being promoted at the bookstore. I never notice the song until I hear that last lyric—which fades to audience applause…
I was returning a book to our gardening section. It was called "Pruning and Training." One of the pictures on the cover was of two lemons hanging next to each other on a branch.
I winced.
UPDATE:
I figured out the song. It's called "Speak Darkly, My Angel" from My Flame Burns Blue. I'm not traditionally a fan of Elvis Costello's music, but honestly I'm intrigued by this since I've been listening to it in store. I actually miss that… from when I worked in the record store. There is *so* much good music. And so few outlets for it all.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:37 AM :: 12 Submissives [+]
March 16, 2006
A Little Tied Up
One of the most shocking things I have learned about BDSM is how emotionally powerful it is. You really can't do things on a whim.
I had my cock bound beautifully with 12 feet of rope on an afternoon not so long ago. I was amazed at how vulnerable I felt. I don't know very well how to describe the transition.
It was my idea. We had the rope and a little spare time. I thought it would be fun. The experience was cool, watching her tie the rope, listening to her describe what she was trying to accomplish. In the end, the rope secured my testicles tightly. The entire length of my erect shaft was encircled by tightly twisted rope. The ends of the rope were tucked just so and it was quite the work of art. We took pictures.
As arousing as it was, I couldn't come. I was scared. I don't know of what, but it felt very primal and pure. And I couldn't shake the feeling that I was disappointing her by failing to ejaculate.
When the rope came off of my cock, I examined the marks and patterns left behind. But relief was not instant. It did not come until I was held tightly, like a child, and reassured. I didn't expect to crave being held like that. I asked to be held.
I have new respect for what a bottom or sub might experience during a scene. More importantly, I have new respect for my responsibility when I am dominant. This is not something to be rushed along or hurried through. A scene has a beginning, a middle, and an end. And the emotional state of the submissive has to be monitored closely.
I'm sure this is simplistic, especially for people who have long practiced these arts. But I am trying very hard to learn well because BDSM is very new to me. I did not know how profound this would be.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:17 PM :: 9 Submissives [+]
March 14, 2006
Via Negativa
I do evil.
Evil works through me.
All is one.
Won't you join me on the left-hand path?
…
I won't pretend to know what all of that means—exactly.
What I do know is that for a boy who is typically reserved and introspective, I refuse to believe that my path to enlightenment is through coloring inside the lines, through denial of all of my urges…
Blah, blah, blah…
I think I've said this all before about 30 times. I'm sounding like a broken record.
I've got a lot of anger inside me for all of the ways I've felt unfairly limited in my life. I've blamed religion for plenty, fairly or not. No more or less than I have blamed parents and my former spouse.
There is just something inside that needs to come out. I don't know what it is or how to get to it.
Sex. Sexuality. Eroticism. Subtle or blatant. I love it. I seek it. I need it.
Whatever form of expression I settle on, whatever form of mysticism I embrace, will include and celebrate this. That will be how I worship.
That's all I know today.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:46 PM :: 7 Submissives [+]
March 13, 2006
And Then It Was Not Spring Any More
Holy crap are we getting dumped on!
I tried shoveling my driveway for about an hour this morning… but quit because I couldn't keep up. The system is supposed to break this afternoon and I might try again, then.
I'm supposed to be at work at noon. I don't really think it's safe to make that drive at all.
Wow, man. We're nothing in the face of nature.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:39 AM :: 4 Submissives [+]
March 12, 2006
Ah, Spring! When a Young Man's Thoughts…
Oh, who am I kidding? My thoughts don't change that much, really.
However, on the eve of a bit of a snow storm here in sunny Minnesota, I spied my first mini-skort of the season.
It was white, which is gauche this side of Memorial Day, but oh-so-short. So all is forgiven.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:36 PM :: Submit. [+]
January 28, 2006
Going Straight to Hell
I don't know how many Christian bible translations there are, but every time I learn of a new one, I am immediately skeptical. How many times can you re-interpret the text into "contemporary" language?
How well to the "Extreme Teen" editions sell?
Do you need a hot pink leather-bound edition?
If you are that concerned with how your bible looks, aren't you missing the point?
Yep, I spent a significant amount of time doing inventory in that part of the book store yesterday.
We are such a capitalist entity. If you want it, we are thrilled to sell it to you.
A lot of people think book stores are libraries. That's not at all true. Libraries are about access and preservation. Book stores are about profitability per square foot. If it's not selling, let's make room for something that will.
I also have ADD… so back to my original train of thought:
Do other religions allow for the same number of interpretations of their sacred texts? Somehow I think not.
I was amused that some bibles had a "think" logo on the spines. I find it horribly ironic. The goal of Christian organizations is to get you to behave in ways culturally defined as Christian. What they are thinking of, if anything, are new ways to appeal to you—to get you in the fold and keep you.
I let my subscription expire.
I am first and foremost a human. I am here to live a human, earthly experience. I will not supress my humanity or the things that make me unique.
I'm thinking about learning tantra. That may be a way for me.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 6:13 PM :: 12 Submissives [+]
January 18, 2006
Double Lives
How many do you have?
I mean, really. How many people do you have in your life that do not know everything about you?
It's not that one spends his time spinning lies as much as he generates subterfuge and distractions, or simply withholds information.
The more I live, the more I see this as a requirement to live successfully in western-european-based cultures.
Show me how I am wrong on this.
It was really brought home to me this last weekend. One of my brothers asked me to be a sponsor for his newborn child's baptism. I accepted, of course, feeling honored that he would see me in such a role as a religious instructor. Really. Me.
I intend to enquire deeply into his expectations of me in this role, which I intend to follow. But I could never tell my brother that I can't be a Christian. And I would certainly educate his child on many paths. Not just one. But I won't tell my brother this either.
Other than you, my beloved reader, there are far too few in my life who I would share this information with. And I won't. My reasoning is not so much that I'm afraid to tell people I'm not Christian—or anything else, for that matter—rather, I don't think it would be beneficial to anyone. And also? I don't care for histrionics or come-to-Jesus discussions. Waste of time.
It's so un-fucking-believably stupid that people would take offense at me being who I want to be and doing what I want to do that I actively engage them in their illusions of who I am.
Isn't that evil?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 3:57 PM :: 9 Submissives [+]
December 7, 2005
The Title Is Innocent, But I Am Not
I mentioned a book called "Once Upon a Princess" in an earlier post.
Right now we're featuring a book called "Vegetable Love
Have I mentioned I'm a visual thinker?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:46 AM :: 4 Submissives [+]
December 5, 2005
Not the Name I Would Have Chosen
At the bookstore I work at, there is an event organized by the mall office and held weekly.
Yeah, the children come in to listen to one of us read short stories, have cookies and milk, and visit Santa. It starts at 7pm.
But they called it "Bedtime with Santa."
[+] Posted by Sinner at 6:04 PM :: Submit. [+]
August 30, 2005
I Had Lunch at a Spicy Brazilian Café Today.
They had the most delicious waitstaff…
[+] Posted by Sinner at 5:03 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
June 27, 2005
Appreciation
It was really very bosom–y at the book store yesterday.
I thank the heat.
And the young woman who was looking at the newspapers for that listing. You didn't fall out… but it sure looked like it was gonna happen for several long minutes!
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:22 PM :: Submit. [+]
June 25, 2005
Tigger Got the Axe
I killed her.
I'm joking!
But actually we are no longer co–workers at the same place of employment.
I figured it was coming if they gave me her shifts.
To be honest, I'm relieved. What I hope is that contact with her tapers to nothing. I'm not going to miss her drama very much. I will admit, there was a period of time when I would have considered going for the fuck-buddy sort of thing—but now I'm *really* glad that never happened!
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:24 AM :: Submit. [+]
June 23, 2005
There's A Million Hearts
Beating in my room
I wish they would go away
Music makes me weep.
Fuck.
I went for a late-night walk tonight. Starting at 2 AM or so.
Looking north above the amber metal-halide/mercury vapor/flourescent/incandescent haze I could barely make out northern lights in the sky. A little bit of a green glow. When I was a child I'm sure I would have been able to see them plainly.
But what bothered me more was the lyric for William Shatner's song (poem, really—he doesn't sing it) That's Me Trying. There was a catch in my throat and there were tears in my eyes.
I was glad it was night.
Fuck.
I'm trying to give it up. Any idea that I fit into normal society. I'm going to try working overnight. I applied to a convenience-store chain locally. Because I don't want to care.
I want to pay off my mother fucking car and my stupid ass bills and I want people to leave me the fuck alone. Except for the cool people in my life. And you know who you are.
I don't want a career. I just want to be happy.
The only "normal" thing I want is a family.
But I can't even imagine how it's possible. I mean… I tried marriage and I'm not really convinced it's a good idea any more.
I see people driving motorhomes and pulling large travel trailers around here and I have to tell you I've got wanderlust like I've never had before.
Being a wage slave at a convenience store isn't going to cut it for long.
A respected friend has suggested the Peace Corps. I'm semi-into the idea right now but I don't know. Maybe I'll go to one of their sessions to find out what I might possibly do for them. But I hate the idea of leaving behindthe ones I love for a year.
While I crave solitude and independance… I'm terrified of the unknown.
And anyway I'm so confused I just burst into tears.
Forgive me.
At the moment I've had to tighten the proverbial financial belt pretty tightly and I'm weaning myself off meds that might otherwise have prevented that.
So you remember how up and down I used to be when I started writing this here blog on blogger? Things might be more like that for a while. I don't know. No therapy is an option for me at the moment other than getting shit out like this.
I was channel-surfing earlier tonight and caught part of a show about Jesse James and Kid Rock riding choppers through Mexico. It was actually thought-provoking in a few ways.
One was that the geography of Mexico is remarkably varied. Yes, I am an ignorant American.
The other was a moment when Jesse was talking about how certain experiences are increasingly impossible in the USA because of safety concerns. He was sitting on a large wobbly rock several hundred feet above the floor of a canyon. Kid was visibly scared shitless.
Jesse joked that in the US, there would be a plaque about how the founding fathers sat on the wobbly rock, but it would since have been fenced off by the safety police.
Have I mentioned I want a motorcycle? Doesn't need to be too fancy, just a v-twin cruiser is all. They're pretty inexpensive—if you buy a foreign make.
My iPod will not relent tonight. It's playing Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths. Easily one of the saddest songs ever, ever written.
Lastly, I aparently still carry a torch for Madonna. After the so-called Music album, I thought I was through with all of that, but she's featured in the June Ladies' Home Journal. I think they're moving to a new look and format. This has *not* translated to the web presence so I'm not bothering to link to it. But the article looks meaty and they spent money on photoshoots. I was impressed. I might read the article on one of my breaks—sadly she's back-pedaling on the sexuality thing.
People, we as humans need to stop trying to deny one of our iunherent reasons to be alive and one of the greatest possible joys we have. Repression is so mother-fucking stupid I cannot believe we keep trying to do it.
I'm going to load up on simple sugars and try not to cry for a while.
You know I love you.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 4:47 AM :: 2 Submissives [+]
May 21, 2005
My Contracting Position Ended Today, Unexpectedly
Which I feel is nothing but clear evidence that I suck.
What I was told is that the project I was assigned to was not funded and they did not have room for everyone.
You know what? There is every possibility that's what happened. I may never know.
But the voices in my head are shouting telling me that I wasn't good enough. That I should have done something about feeling so overwhelmed. That I should have been more perfect. That I should have somehow guessed whatever it was that would have kept me there.
But, I didn't like working there. Honestly. I didn't want to go there.
I'm just in shock and panic.
And depressed. Fuck.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:23 AM :: 6 Submissives [+]
May 18, 2005
Talking Head
Where I work, they play news channels all day long.
The audio is off, but they turn on the… um… subtitles. I forget what the hell they are called at the moment.
But during the day on CNN there is this blonde that reads the news and does it very expressively.
For some reason, possibly due to the camera angle they use, I find it very easy to imagine her on her knees. In front of me. With my cock in her mouth.
I've tried the same fantasy with other female anchors… but it's not the same.
Unfortunately today is Fox News. I think I have to wait until next week before I see her again. Oh well.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:08 PM :: Submit. [+]
May 8, 2005
Wanted
Really, lusted…
Porn featuring women over the age of, say 25.
I'm so tired of sexually and emotionally under-developed youngsters. Plus, they make me feel old, which I find increasingly distasteful.
Forgive me if I just alienated anyone. I'm speaking in general terms which is always dangerous. There are exceptions to every rule.
But experience is very sexy—and a naked girl spreading her legs is not erotic in and of itself.
I'm picky, but life is too short.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:50 AM :: 3 Submissives [+]
May 6, 2005
Two Things
Recently, while reading the dust jacket of a new book, I realized that I had been relying pretty heavily on my depressive tendencies and moodswings as fuel for my escapist erotic fantasies.
The book itself is about the current societal views about depression (dammit, I can't remember the title off-hand—help me out if you know this one). The author believes strongly that depression needs to regarded more seriously as an illness, and not just fuel for poets.
Reading this I connected the idea with a school of artists who claim that they are most creative when in an altered state of mind. Likening depression to an altered state, I realized that I had fallen into a similar mode of thought.
Writing this post, I also remember reading somewhere years ago a wise man (um, I can't remember who this man was, either) who said that highs exist in the brain. Drugs provide an excuse to notice them.
Add to this please the memory of my ex-wife's research on novel writing. Successful novelists said repeatedly that writing was work. You cannot afford to wait for inspiration. You sit and write, then you revise.
What does any of this mean?
For me it means that the drugs I take have significantly altered my brain chemistry. I could spend the rest of my life mourning the loss of the profound shifts in moods that I became used to, or I can use my creativity—which I suspect is undiminished and largely still untapped—regardless, and move forward with my life.
And finally, the idea has applications to much broader areas of my life. Not just self-expression. The idea that I need to wait for inspiration to do anything is proving to be irrational and irresponsible.
See? One day I will be an adult.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 8:14 PM :: 1 Submissive [+]
April 29, 2005
Sin Is In
It was a blurb in the cover of Femme Fatale magazine. There is some coverage of the Movie Sin City (which is quite entertaining, BTW), or uncoverage depending on your point of view.
Sin is in.
I thought to myself, "Mmmm… Yes it is!"
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:36 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
Kindred
Dammit! Why are all of the cool CD-bearing magazines British imports? It's one thing to pay the ridiculous climbing prices of magazines… it's another to pay double that amount. Yet I do.[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:50 PM :: Submit. [+]
March 23, 2005
What a Waste!
You know, I keep wondering when the blog spammers will be smart enough to realize that none of the spam they post here ever appears?
I know it's automated… But before spamming the same blog with the same collection of URLs for the hundredth time, why not see if any of it ever worked the first time?
MT Blacklist is a damned effective tool. Other than having to erase the moderated comments from time to time, I don't ever worry about spam on my blog because none has gotten through yet.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:29 AM :: 2 Submissives [+]
March 15, 2005
Bea*ery
Tigger was wearing this t-shirt that she probably found at Hot Topic or something about someplace that makes great hot chocolate—where they like to heat things up.
One word centered on her chest made me stare, because one letter was covered up by her nametag lanyard. It read "Bea_ery."
Of course, owing to the way my mind works… the first letter I could think of was "v."
Turns out the word was "Beanery."
Sort of a let down.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:34 PM :: Submit. [+]
March 14, 2005
Got a Dirty Mind
I keep seeing commercials on cable TV (INHD) suggesting that I need to experience the amazing world of Beavers.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 12:39 AM :: Submit. [+]
March 11, 2005
Gotham Diaries
It's a book title. I have no ideas what it's about, but I thought it would be a great blog title.
According to Google… No one seems to be using it for that.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:36 AM :: Submit. [+]
March 5, 2005
Sometimes I Think Inside the Box
This morning on the way to breakfast I saw one of those cars with the sexy back end like you have.
The first three characters of the license read "MNT"
I thought to myself, "Mmmm! Mount!"
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:07 AM :: Submit. [+]
With a Vengeance
Form fitting black t-shirt. Low-waisted jeans. The red canvas belt with the chrome grommets. Watching that rectangle of bare skin as it sways with each step.
I just want to grab that ass and fuck hard.
I just want to get my hands in those pants.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 2:46 AM :: Submit. [+]
February 13, 2005
Super Nanny
At work, I overheard a women speaking cynically about the Super Nanny: "Children always listen to other adults…"
My thoughts on the Super Nanny:
I'd do her.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 10:26 PM :: Submit. [+]
February 11, 2005
So Small!
The woman who showed me to my table at breakfast was probably in her early twenties.
She was asian, had long dark hair, and wore a lot of black around her eyes. Her eyebrows were large black arches too bizarre to be real.
Most remarkably: she was tiny. I wondered if she was even four feet tall. I estimate her chin was probably even with my navel. I'm on the tall side as men go, about 6'2"… So the difference in our heights was astonishing to me.
What would it be like to make love to a woman that small?
Toy-like? Pet-like?
Would I hurt her?
[+] Posted by Sinner at 9:39 AM :: 4 Submissives [+]
February 9, 2005
Portrait
I thought of painting you.
With wings.
Wings that look fragile—yet are not.
Like you.
I don't know if anyone sees your soul like I do.
I think that's a crime.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 1:58 AM :: Submit. [+]
February 2, 2005
Tigger Is Turning 20
In September.
Jesus.
Today she asked me how old I was. Really. Although I've never lied.
I'm still 35.
"That's old!" She said. "You're old."
I sighed. I suspected I knew what she was mulling over. Compared to NINETEEN I suppose I am fucking old.
That would be a switch—for me to be the mature and responsible one in a relationship.
She wore her glasses today. And she's growing her hair out. Both of these things suit her.
After work tonight, I waited with Tigger and Wednesday in my car. Wednesday's dad was coming to pick her up. My car was warm and dry. She's 20 and living with her parents. Studying how to make jewelry. She admitted to being ADD and medicated at work.
Tigger told me she was leaving as soon as Wednesday did so that she could avoid an awkward moment.
But not before she could give me her livejournal address.
Nothing but trouble.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:44 PM :: 3 Submissives [+]
Dream or Cable TV?
The sunglasses... to keep me alive during the daytime, protecting me from the sun?
I slept for about 16 hours last night.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 4:25 PM :: Submit. [+]
January 27, 2005
Zhjoozhjed
Trixie wore a pink shirt today. Button down with french cuffs. She never does the cuffs right, but today they were rolled back so I gave her a break.
Tigger wore a pink t with the number 22 on the front. A large white arabic numeral two stretched taught over each bosom.
Christ have mercy.
I don't think I leered at any point.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:51 PM :: Submit. [+]
AW!
Tigger asked me if I used AIM.
Want her ID?
Heh heh. J/K
I would never kiss and tell.
[+] Posted by Sinner at 11:29 PM :: Submit. [+]
January 13, 2005
When I Don't Have to Hide Anymore
I see the looming separation and divorce as being these pivital events in my life. I've been giving them meaning in my life that they don't intrinsically have.
Liberation.
Why am I waiting?
Fear is my worst enemy. Honestly.
But from the expectations of society, and from my-soon-to-be-ex wife, I think divorce was the right thing to do.
Got renters insurance for my new apartment. Need to show proof of insurance before I can sign the lease.
Had to find out how old the building was and how many units. I feel relief and empowerment having taken care of that.
Tonight I find out how much the pro-rated rent is for the month. I'm picking up my keys tomorrow. Saturday will be when I move the big pieces and the majority of my belongings.
I have hardly packed anything.
It's much more fun to chat online or surf porn or masturbate. So I have been doing more of that than packing my belongings.
So... in general I'm panicked.
But back to the freedom thing...
I think it's sad that I chose to see marriage as a form of repression. I think it's sad I spent so many years being angry at my wife when she really didn't do anything wrong. Sure—we both made mistakes, but it didn't have to turn out like this. She really is a good person.
I think it's sad I spent so many years seeing myself as a fat person and a lazy person and a broken person.
So... I've been looking at the move to the new apartment and the formal divorce as some sort of magical deliniation point. When something wondrous happens.
But the magic and wonder are in *me.*
I just have to let it go.